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being shy ruined my life?
So in high school I never really had that group of friends I would usually jump from group to group and never really had a best friend I mostly had acquaintances. However I'd like to say I hung out with certain groups of people more than others and would even hangout with them outside of school. So now that high school is done I don't see these people at all anymore and I've realized how I don't have any friends and that most of these people were only my friends because we saw each other everyday. I feel like it's my fault because I should've tried to develop a close relationship with these people cause now if I see a photo or a post of social media of these groups of people hanging out with each other I get sad because they didn't event think to invite me and when I ask if they're free they always say they're busy. I'm always the one to text these people first and if I don't text them at all I won't hear from them. I've tried so hard to make new friends at my new school but if you've seen my previous posts you'd know the friends I made were either fake or just acquaintances who just came for lecture and don't want anything outside of class. Please help with tips on either how to get these old friends to remember I exist or how to make new friends? Cause being shy literally ruins everything thanks in advance
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Hey, dont worry! Doctors here, and on the case! it is often we all get lonely and sometimes go into a depressed state when we have no friends. I can't make you what you want, but i can sure point you in the right direction! Now for looking for friends. unfortunately, we have clicks in today's society. But if you can figure out which one fits the real you the most, join that one. Now, looking at this group, try to get in projects and activities together in classes. And try to find common interests. This may not be the best advice, but it worked for me when I had switched schools. Remember, dont change who you are, find people who match you, and wouldnt change you. Because you are the top priority, and also mine.
Have a nice day!
-Dr.D
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I would leave those people from the past behind and move on. They aren't making any effort to be a friend to you and actually are and have treated you like shit. You deserve better and will find it. I think it would be highly beneficial for you to find a therapist you can trust and work through this, learn better social skills, how to accept and love yourself because people may be avoiding you because you're wrapped up in yourself and withdrawn. They may not "get you" but someone will and that's the person who will come to you first.
People can see a mile away that you are awkward and not confident and don't know how to proceeed or get to know you. If you work with a therapist you can overtime become less introverted.
Also, find somewhere that teaches improv classes be it parks and rec or a studio and take that to develop your social skills and work with a variety of different people and see if that yields friends and helps you. Some places have classes specifically for anxiety and or mental health difficulties too. It forces you to work together.
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Tips to help old friends remember and want to connect with you? If you are still as shy as you said, then this is a situation of putting the cart or wagon in front of the horse...he can't pull it that way, so in essense, the saying means nothing is going to happen if tackled in that order. You need to be honest with yourself.
I do understand though. I was in your shoes, shy all through school from Kindergarten on. My last year in HS, I was tired of being so shy, I was afraid to even say Hello to people and it was so bad I never did book reports, and was terrified of kids staring at me if I had to get out of my seat and go sharpen a pencil at the front of the room. It was bad. But I got to a place where I wanted to change and become more outgoing like my Dad.
Having that want to change is needed before there is anything I can do to help you. So since that time, I bear no resemblance to that shy young person. When I lived in a house, I was the first person to go over to a neighbors on their move in day with cookies or muffins and a card to welcome them to the neighborhood. the old me could never do such a thing. In looking back, I don't blame people for not wanting to be friends with me. Now that I am so outgoing and friendly, even I can spot the shy person real easily and too be honest, shyness or social anxiety as its called today in a person, doesn't make me want to go out of my way to get to know them or spend time with them. I used to walk with my head hung down looking at my feet as I walked, didn't hold eye contact and did not say hi to people, call them by their name or even just smile. Now I know what I didn't then. Body language is even a bigger portion of how we communicate than spoken words. A smile shows that you are friendly and approachable. (Somehow instinctively as a child I knew that and therefore I didn't smile as it might encourage someone to approach me and talk which I was terrified of.) I tried to blend into crowds and not be noticed, it was a subconscious thing I didn't realize I was doing back then. People are drawn to want to meet or spend time with others who are open and friendly. So be honest with yourself. Since none of your friends were described as being shy, let me ask you to think hard and picture yourself excited to hang out with a friend who won't look you in the eyes, hardly talk to you, mumbles, acts like they are not enjoying themselves? It would not be fun at all. Its for the same reasons that people are not going to be interested in you or weren't interested in me back in school days.
So advice how to make new friends? Be a friend to make a friend. This means being friendly, greeting people with a smile and by their name and if they are really open, then hugs too. If means being able to ask them about how things are going. Remembering an event they had coming up and talked about, so like asking, "How did you do in that test? How was the visit with your grandmother. People all have a need to be loved and accepted so these kinds of things are important. Remembering a favorite color or favorite collectible and getting an inexpensive token gift just because, to give a friend. I could give more examples but basically, you treat the others the way you want them to treat you. With HS friends, they've got a set idea of what you are like and therefore are never available/always busy.
Again if you can be honest with yourself, can you be a friend to get a friend, while still being shy? If you think you can, then go ahead and try. I just know that I never could do that back then. The few people who were somewhat friends are the ones who reached out to me first or i would not even have had them.
The issue still comes down to learning how to overcome shyness. There is a recipe for that. Easy steps you can take, the same I did to overcome my social anxiety. I more recently came across a book at library by a Psychologist turned teacher and author who focus's on teaching people how to overcome specific anxieties. I was surprised to find the exact same thing I did for social anxiety to be written in his book. No wonder it worked so well. And the nice thing is I went at my own pace, not moving on to next step until I felt I'd mastered the earlier step. No rushing or its useless. Even so, in a month or two I was a new person. You already realize that shyness can ruin a persons life. Its not just about friends, but knowing when to speak up and say something when out in society if someone needs something brought to their attention, you need to interact at some level with all sorts of people, the cashiers at grocery or bank, etc... co workers and/or boss, neighbors and so on. We can not escape having to interact with other humans throughout our life. So unless you want to spend the rest of your life being miserable and your life still feeling unsatisfactory, then the solution, I hope you see now, is to overcome shyness. I have a document I can paste here for you on all the steps to overcoming shyness. If you feel ready to do so, then go to my column and write me from there asking for the document to overcoming shyness and I will send it to you right away.
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Hey! I TOTALLY feel your pain. In highschool I would hang out with some groups of friends too. I did sports but I didn't have any friends on my sports team. I would talk to some of the girls and be friends with them but I was way too shy to even make any friends and I actually became really depressed over this so I understand where you are coming from. Girls are just so mean and I don't know how many times I can say that. For me I started making friends from my work..Once I left highschool I went to college yeah but I didn't dorm there I didn't make any friends. I don't have 1 friend from highschool and im 25. So I understand where you are coming from and its hard. I don't know how I got through highschool honestly. Anyway, my first job was a waitress/hostess as a restaurant. I made a lot of "work friends" But I also made probably one of my best friends I ever had from work. So if you do work maybe try and spike up a friendship there? Also, my other suggestion is if you are from the US they have an app called Bumble. You can use it for dating but there is also a button called Bumble BFF. I recently have met many girlfriends to have drinks with and hang from this app. I 100% recommend downloading it if you can. Just try not to stress about things. If you want to reconnect with old friends I would just make a plan have the suggestion, date and time so they can give you a yes or no answer. If you don't feel the love back as much as the love you give try not to stress over it and move on. It can be lonely and girls are really hard to meet. I wish you the best of luck and remember none of this is your fault so don't blame yourself!
xoxox
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