Free AdviceGet Free Advice
Home | Get advice | Give advice | Topics | Columnists | - !START HERE! -
Make Suggestions | Sitemap

Get Advice


Search Questions

Ask A Question

Browse Advice Columnists

Search Advice Columnists

Chat Room

Give Advice

View Questions
Search Questions
Advice Topics

Login

Username:
Password:
Remember me
Register for free!
Lost Password?

Want to give Advice?

Sign Up Now
(It's FREE!)

Miscellaneous

Shirts and Stuff
Page Backgrounds
Make Suggestions
Site News
Link To Us
About Us
Terms of Service
Help/FAQ
Sitemap
Contact Us


Problems with In laws


Question Posted Friday March 17 2017, 5:00 pm

Hi there. I'm looking for more opinions, and advice on a current situation i'm experiencing. I've been with my partner for 5 years now, and his parents have had a hard time accepting me, or us together. Every time I am around them they pick fights with me, or there is always confrontation. I'm not someone who likes fighting or arguing, in fact I avoid it at all costs. In the past I haven't been able to make it to every event they invite me to, and recently they took it personally (I had to work three shifts in one day and couldn't make it to thanks giving.) They decided to not invite me to family Christmas, so I had to stay home while my significant other went. Now some time has passed and they've invited me to his mother's birthday. I'm torn about going because every time they pick me apart, or do it behind my back (my partner tells me all the awful things they say.) I've tried making time to talk to them about it, but every time they avoid actually discussing the issue, and just ignore it. I can't ignore it anymore, and I don't want to go to this event without having discussed the issue. I'm tired of being put down and verbally abused, and I hate pretending like everything's fine and putting on a fake face. The only problem is I don't want to hurt my partner by saying no, which is why I've gone in the past and put up with the abuse. I don't want to tolerate it any longer. What should i do? I am so confused.

[ Answer this question ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?


TRUTHFULNESS answered Tuesday March 28 2017, 7:58 pm:
Five years is a long time to be in a relationship...So, kudos! From what I have gathered from you, you have put up with a lot from his family. If your partner cares and loves you, he should not be repeating to you the negative comments that his family makes about you or your character. Apparently, they don't know you well and have not taken the time to get to know you and understand you. Some people have a tendency to form their own opinions of people, without gathering all the facts or getting to know the person. That's called: Judging or Preconceived notions. All of the hate and disparaging words and feelings that you feel from your In-Laws, over time will affect your relationship with your partner. As your partner, he should stick up to his family whereas it concerns you and their negative comments and feelings towards you. He should be putting his foot down and putting a stop to it. If he does this then, they will cease to voice their negative comments. They may not cease their negative feelings towards you, but it should cut the negative comments. You also need to sit down and have a heart to heart talk with your partner about his family and how their negative comments and feelings make you feel and affect you. No, you should not have tolerate their foolish. So, the first step is to talk to your partner.

[ TRUTHFULNESS's advice column | Ask TRUTHFULNESS A Question
]




MrKaman answered Tuesday March 21 2017, 8:58 pm:
I am curious how your partner feels about this.

In-laws are often a hassle and it is awkward to try and fit in in a new family. If it is as unbearable as you make it sound and your partner agrees that the in-laws are behaving unreasonable then fuck them. Just don't go.

Try and go to an event with your partners family about once every year or two, just to check in a see if they have changed but other then that boycott them.

And if your family is civil than there is no reason your part can still come two half of your families events.

[ MrKaman's advice column | Ask MrKaman A Question
]



Dragonflymagic answered Tuesday March 21 2017, 4:03 pm:
While the in laws may be a problem, your bigger problem is the fact your partner won't stand up for you with his parents. Your partner when this is all boiled down, is choosing to side with his parents or he simply has no balls, wimpy when it comes to his parents. He may be great in all other areas but this but this one thing can eventually tear apart your relationship. You mention in laws which is the title used for a partners parents when you both are married. Otherwise, they are just his parents. Then you said significant other rather than husband. So my inclination is that is a committed relationship but not tied legally by marriage. Not all people who have issues in a relationship will go for couple counseling. But it is more common that married couples do rather than those who have simply chosen to live long term with each other. Nothing wrong with either way, but sometimes in a persons subconscious, they may treat you or a situation differently depending. Then again, even married, he is not respectful to you or caring about your feelings. He could ask his parents to treat you nicely or you both will leave. He could stay home and not go when they exhile you from a family holiday. He could call the parents before you go over to visit and ask them to promise to hold their tongue and treat you well as you are his choice for a partner. If it comes to having to choose between them and you, he tells them that they will lose because he will choose to support you. His actions are not those of a man who really loves you. He may love you to some extent. If its enough for you, then continue on with putting up with the problems. You can bring up the issue and how its hurting you and asking why he caters to them and won't stand up for you the person he supposedly is in love with. It would either point to the fear of losing his parents over this, protecting you or perhaps he is immature and totally inexperienced and naive in relationships and need to be taught the right way to handle things, or he may love his parents way more than he will ever love you. Unfortunately the latter is a death sentence for a relationship because is there is such a lack of love and making you the priority in his life, then he obviously doesn't love you with the same level of love you have for him. You say you've tried to talk to the parents about it. Wrong place to do so. YOu need to be talking to your honey and is he can't or won't change, then you suggest counseling. If he's not even willing for that, you are not a high priority in his life and you can do better than settling for less. I will in closing share transcripts of a video done by a guy for women to help them know whether a guy they are dating love them. Even for committed relationships or marriage, it is all still true. The one about not afraid to introduce you to friends and family would in your case be not afraid to introduce you but if anyone you are introduced to treats you terribly, he puts a stop to that immediately, taking what ever measures needed, even to the point of no longer associating with friends, or family. Heres the list:

7 Questions to know if he really loves you


1. Does he say I love you. For some, it's a hard thing to say but they show it to you in other ways. When he says I love you, he is viewing that as a commitment to you. It is not a flippant phrase.
Saying I love you too early like during first couple dates is a warning about the guy. Its a very good chance he is needy and wanting a woman to be his mom. Other phrases from a guy count too, like you're awesome, I adore you. You're the woman I always dreamed of.
2. Does he make you a priority in his life? Guys have more than one priority...things very important to him but you should be one of top 3.
What he does for you or how he acts can't be faked easily because it's hard to lie with your body. Things he does without having to be asked, making dinner, picking up something for a collection you have, making time for you, even if it's a walk or a long phone chat. If the guy likes you, he'll make time for you at least a quarter of the time.
3 Does he tell friends about you and like to show you off? Have you been introduced to his family and friends? If he keeps you separate, he's hiding something or ashamed or fearful of something
4. Does he care about your pleasure during sex? Is he only into seeking his own pleasure or your's too. Does he open his eyes and want to have both your eyes connect while making love?
5. Does he respect and encourage you? Respect means, does he value your opinion, do you share decisions and treats you as a partner. Are you encouraged by him to have your own friends and hobbies outside the relationship and encourage you to seek your dreams and uphold you in that.
Jealousy is not love, it's control. It's okay to be protective, but jealousy shouldn't be what prompts the protectiveness
6. Do your friends and family like how he treats you? Others make a great gauge for judging a guys character.
7. Does he look at you with lust and passion in his eyes, with a hunger and thirst for you? Does he give you admiring looks, does he still want to sneak peeks down your shirt. What he sees is Very important since guys are visually stimulated. If he isn't looking anymore, he has lost his interest. All men because of this natural trait, will also view other women but do so discreetly, without being an ass about it. Don't expect a man to look at only you. If he doesn't look at other women at all, it may be a sign that he is gay. You do want a man who is visually stimulated by women.

How many points are true for you with your guy?
7 true He treats you as a Queen and he is an exceptional man
5-6 true He loves you. Just don't focus on what is lacking.
3-4 true He loves you enough to make the relationship work for him. If it's enough for you, then be content. If you feel like you're settling for less, let him go and look for something better.
1-2 true He's a douche-bag, a user or controller. Leave immediately.
[view]

YOu should not be putting yourself in a situation where you are being verbally abused, I was once married to a verbal abuser. Over the years, it will take a toll on your body. I suffered almost daily headaches and some migraines due to the stress of how he treated me. Doesn't matter who is mistreating you, the results will be the same and the stress will have its negative effect on your body. So if he won't look out for you and protect you, then you must protect yourself. That would mean never seeing them ever again for you. That would become difficult if you were to have children. They would now have grand kids. Would they mistreat your kids cus they are half of you? Would they pick on the one who most resembles you? It would not be fair to any child to bring them in such a family where mom and dad are not solidly united and loving and supportive of each other. A unified front is a neccessity when it comes to having children. If the grand parents treat you badly but love the kids, you still have a problem as they will do what kids do, copy what they see adults doing, and they copy regarless of whether an action is good or bad. Your own children may come to treat you as shabbily as the in laws do with your partner not addressing how they treat their own mother. If he couldn't stand up to his own parents in your favor, why would he all of a sudden have the balls to do so with his children.

This should give you lots to think about. In the end, its still your decision what you choose to do.

[ Dragonflymagic's advice column | Ask Dragonflymagic A Question
]

More Questions:

<<< Previous Question
Next Question >>> What's he saying....

Recent popular questions:
Want to give advice?

Click here to start your own advice column!

What happened here with my gamer friends?

All content on this page posted by members of advicenators.com is the responsibility those individual members. Other content © 2003-2014 advicenators.com. We do not promise accuracy, completeness, or usefulness of any advice and are not responsible for content.

Attention: NOTHING on this site may be reproduced in any fashion whatsoever without explicit consent (in writing) of the owner of said material, unless otherwise stated on the page where the content originated. Search engines are free to index and cache our content.
Users who post their account names or personal information in their questions have no expectation of privacy beyond that point for anything they disclose. Questions are otherwise considered anonymous to the general public.

[Valid RSS] eXTReMe Tracker