|
My parents are upsetting me
I'm almost 14 and I feel upset sometimes because of my parents. I mean, I get that parents lecture and that's their job to educate their child, but my parents take that too far. So on one odd morning I was going to be late so I forgot to make my bed, so they lectured me the whole morning and yelled at me, not even because of me being unorganised, but stuff like I'll be a beggar and no man would want me and very off topic subjects. And they think everything I do is stupid, like the way I tie my hair, or wash the dishes. They complain that I don't do my homework but they always call me down to do the dishes or sweep the floor when I'm home. They always compare me to my cousins and friends, like 'why don't you start being like her? ' they lecture me and practically yell and swear at me and go on and on forever. I sometimes cry in my room because of this. I know it's probably because I'm not good enough, but please give some advice!!!!
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
I can understand parents getting upset, what parent doesn't at some point in time. In an ideal world, people would never yell, ridicule, or verbally blast another person when angry, wouldn't take things personally and would speak calmly and fairly.
As a parent myself, i think that sometimes parents let the idea that they are in charge go to their heads. Its like having either the kind of work boss who treats you fairly and isn't afraid or feel it beneath them to do the same things as those under them. I've had good parents so I can only use the boss scenerio but it goes the same for parents.
I have had to apologize to my own kids while raising them. Not often, but parents can get carried away by the stresses of trying to make ends meet and raise a family and people when stressed need to release it. I have raised my voice or told my kids I wasn't listening to any explanation, then come to find in the end, they were right and I was. Didn't happen much but the stress of bad husband eventually got me to lose it temporarily. I was married to a guy who'd come home and to release stress, his usual thing was to verbally dump on me. It sounds like what you describe both parents doing. As already said, there are many ways to do something. Life is about choices and definitely there are some that should fall to you to decide how to carry it out.
I learned some things along the way. Its never right to get rid of stress by verbally abusing anyone and its worse when the place that's supposed to be the safest place for you, home and family isn't treating you kindly. Now you said you are upset sometimes. To me, that means that your parents don't act like this all the time, like on a daily basis. If its really occasional, I have one suggestion. If they are like this all the time, something is really not going well for them. It could be financial stress, if they are like this every day all the time, or as in case with my ex, he had mental illness that he wouldn't admit to or get treatment for. It's a bit unlikely that both parents have mental illness but both can have stress. You didnt mention your sex, but if you as a teen are going thru the emotional turmoil that All teen girls go thru when the hormones of puberty hit, us gals tend to go overboard, not by choice, becoming more sad or crying alot or the other is anger, easily irritated and upset. You are at that age, so if you're a girl, you can probably throuw that in the mix cus you may not at all notice the emotional changes in you and its so easy for you to sound snappy when irritated and its worse cus we are like on a runaway emotional train with little control of our situation. So in the end, if you feel, you are not the problem and its all on them, you may want to see if you can get some perspective from talking to an adult relative you feel close to, a grandparent or aunt, etc and try to give them the story without spinning it in someones favor either way. See what they have to suggest. If you feel that perhaps its not intention but how you do things that get to them, I learned from a parenting class 2 valuable things I began to use with the kids when they were still young. You might share these with a relative and see if they will casually meet with the parents, bring up you after some small talk and then share. ONe is the interrupt rule. No one likes be interrupted. Its simple, I use this still as an adult. If somebodys talking to someone else and its a matter of time that you need an instant answer you instead lay a hand on the arm of the person which alerts them you need to speak with them before their other conversation is done. I do this at work all the time. The other is parents letting the kids know that if as parents they decided or came to a decision too quickly and didnt have all the info. they teach the kids to say, May I please appeal? LIke reall courts. At this point you're given the chance to provide the parents with info they weren't patient to listen to before but are vital to their decision regarding what you asked. This is when you provide extra information that may change their decision from a No to a Yes. This works sometimes, and sometimes the parents have reasons that supercede any info you can provide. This is all I can think of. I wish you well.
]
Hey!
I know how you feel, because I've grown up with people comparing me to their kids. I grew up thinking "I probably should be more like them." Even in high school I was always being compared. I was always lectured by "adults" about how I do everything things. The only thing I heard was "You're no good enough." It was really hard for me, because I was dealing with a ton of stress, so I had to carry work, and meet up to people's expectations. Later one I realized you DON'T have to meet up to people's expectations, you DON'T have to be like your cousins, or your friends. And you know why? Because you're NOT them, you're yourself. There's only one YOU in this world, and everyone does things differently. There's no wrong way to do things, there's many different ways to do things. I've learned to ignore people's comments, because I know I can't be perfect, but I trying to be the best person I can be. As long as you're trying for yourself, and as long as you're happy, that's all that really matters. Also don't be scared of failure, or mistakes, because that's part of life, it helps us become better.
Hope this helps!
-Swimmer133
]
Lets start with the end. Stop with the not good enough. If you start believing your not good enough you will become not good enough. You are good enough in fact you are better than good enough. I can tell from your writing just how good you are and for 14 you are ahead of the curve.
The unfortunate thing about being a parent is when we take you guys home from the hospital. The hospital does not give as a handbook like they do at the car dealership when we drive off the lot with a new car. Each parent is left to fend for themselves and to learn to parent on the job.
Many parents, your seem to be in this group, use peer pressure as a way to parent. It is unfortunately not a very successful parenting strategy as it leaves the child resentful and as you were head for a poor self-image. Surprisingly it is a very overused parenting strategy. My parents used. My Aunt used it to an extreme pitting her son against her daughter. Today her son does not talk to his sister and the two hate each other and it is my Aunt's fault.
What can you do about this. Unfortunately not much. You can become a duck and let these insults just slide of you back like water off a duck. Keep telling yourself you are better than what they are telling you and maintain a good self image. Get the best grades you are capable of in school.
This type of parenting is border line mental child abuse. If it gets worse talk to a teacher you trust or your school principal about what it is like at home. Should either feel your parents have crossed over the line into abuse there are steps they can take to make life better for you at home.
Of course we are always here as a sounding board should you want to ask us anything.
]
More Questions: |