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About my grandmother's rude behaviour.
I am upset with my grandmother.She is the head of our family. Everybody respects her. My mother always takes care of her and her daughter in bad conditions. But now my mother is ill but she is humiliated by her and her daughter because of my mother's illness. I can't say anything in front of her as she is elder to me, but I am not able to see my mother's sad face. I don't know what to do.I am not able to concentrate on my studies too. Please help me if possible.I just need the advice as I am confused what to do.
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Hey!
By reading this I feel like you guys are a pretty traditional family. I've been living in a sort of traditional family as well, and like you, I'm not allowed to talk back to the elderly. Honestly they've been telling me what I can't an can do. I've been put down by them pretty much all my life. One day I couldn't take it anymore and I snapped. I told them off, after that I got a little more respect than before. I think I could've approached the situation differently. Instead of yelling back at them (because yelling never solves anything), I could've kept my cool, and told them to stop politely. I think that's what you should do. Tell your grandma how you feel about her, picking on your mom, and about her actions.
Your feelings, are more important than your age.
Hope this helps!
-Swimmer133
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Honestly I wish there was something that I could say to make your mom not feel as bad. However you mentioned that your grandmother was the one that was 'bullying' your mother. I think you are doing the right thing in respecting your grandmother even though she may not deserve it. I'm sorry so to hear what you are going through with your mom. I send my thoughts and prayers to you and your family. I would say continue to be there for your mom and let her know how much you care. I would say not to get involved between your grandmother and mother because it's not your battle. Sometimes its just better to stay on the sidelines. Good luck!
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It sounds like you may be from a country other than the US where respect for Elders isn't only stressed but a mandatory rule that is drilled into you from day of birth. YOu've grown up with this.
I must assume that all of you are living together for this to be happening and you're under same roof for financial means so there is no way for Mom to escape the rudeness. If this Grandma doesn't live there, the only thing that can bed done is Mom standing up for herself and requesting that her Mom, your Grandma treat her with the same respect as she treats Grandma. And if at any point Grandma begins the verbal abuse or any treatment that is not respectful of her or anyone else in the home, then she will be asked to leave at once or Police will be called to remove her if she refuses. Grandma would be in the wrong to abuse her position of power in the family in such a way. Sometimes when people get older, they begin to lose their mind and forget the things they already knew when younger. She is an adult and as such cannot be forced to change and act better. But each human has a right to choose whether to submit to this kind of treatment or not. I should know because I stayed with my 1st husband who was verbally abusive for 30 years. In the end, it was a matter of whether I lived or died that made me wake up and decide that I would choose to remove myself from this situation. The way to do so was to leave him or ask him to leave. He wouldn't leave, so I left. This is all out of your hands...the decisions must be made by Mom.
All I can say is that Showing respect and treating elders with respect should never be more important than how the elders treat you in return. It should be equal. I don't know all your circumstances but the best place to start, especially if its affecting your studies is to talk to a school counselor and see what suggestions they have for you personally. Secondly, you could have a talk with Mom when Grandma isn't around to here and go over the respect issue and how the elderly have a responsibility to treat others good as well, perhaps even pass on their wisdom to the younger, but playing the cruel master is not one of them and clearly is wrong no matter what, no matter where in the world the people live, no matter what the customs they were taught growing up.
Grandma herself may need counseling if she's acting like this. I assume she did not act this way before Mom got ill. Illness is stressful not just on the one ill but those around the sick person. So Grandma may need a reminder from another adult other than you or Mom that there are right and wrong ways to release that stress and Grandma needs to be taught that message, preferably by another elder person and she can't argue whats coming from someone of her own age bracket or even older than her.
I know it also may not sit well to reach out to others for help in sharing a family issue, that privacy is considered more important. Yes, some matters that are small can be worked out in the family and not shared outside the family. But in this case, this is a big matter that can't be fixed by keeping quiet and not bringing it out in the open. If Mom won't listen to you and prefers to allow Grandma to continue abusing her, as well as her other daughter, then that is Moms choice. However, since it is affecting you in your studies, you have the right to deal with whatever is affecting you personally. So if you do go outside the family for help, it must be along the idea of not what is happening to Mom that must stop, but your problem is that the way Mom is being treated and not willing to deal with it, all of that stress is affecting your ability to concentrate on school and you are experiencing great personal stress from it. You are seeking advice for what can be done to help you. It is best to get that help from the people and professionals around you who understand your culture and know how to balance keeping the traditions along with also making sure situations don't go out of balance as it has in your situation. I wish you the best in settling this matter. So if you wish to reach out for help, check with a school counselor to get pointed in the right direction.
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