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i want to know why it's such a crime for me to be happy please
Basically there's always been some type of distinction in my family. I've noticed my parents and my cousins parents make sure to slow down the growth process for all of us. If one of us gets a job or job interview they make us late on purpose so we lose the chance of ever being successful and it really hurts to deal with knowing my parents and grandparents don't want me or my cousins to succeed. Most of us are over the age of 18 and still don't have our licenses. It was also like that for my aunts and uncles. They had such a hard time with it and I know about the whole narcissistic family thing and that's definitely my family's problem but I'm so new to finding this out and I just don't understand why if my aunts uncles n mom we're treated like that why would they do that to their own children? Like today I had a big interview that was so important to me and I had to have my mom take me and she made me late on purpose and that didn't look good for my chances of getting the job. I remember when I was 18 I wanted to move in with my friends and my mom drug my by the hair of my head across the kitchen for telling her I planned on moving out. Does anyone else have this problem? I feel so alone. I'm 25 n living with my boyfriend and I've noticed since I have I'm basically excluded from family gatherings all for wanting to have my own life. My other cousin who lives with her husband gets treated the same way. Any advice on how to handle this would be nice and does anyone else go through this also?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
First you are 25 legally an adult. Your family can only have the control over you that you allow or give them for once you turned 18 your parents legal control of you ended. If your family is excluding you from family activities and events it is because you have succeeded in taking back control over your life.
You are entitled to your own life. Some parents and families just don't get this. They feel because they are older and experienced more of life than you have that they must continue to guide you through life. In theory this is not a bad idea though guidance and controlling are two very different things.
My son is almost 40 and there are many times he will call for my advice. I give him advice I do not tell him what to do or demand he do things in certain ways. I make suggestions but ultimately he has to decide what is best for him. I believe this is the way it should be for most likely I have experienced what he is now experiencing and he wants or is open to some advice on which direction he should take. I believe parenting does not end at 18 but it does take on a new dimension and direction.
If it is any consolation you are not the only one or the first to write to us with this problem, nor will you be the last. If you wish to change things with your family you can try. My advice would be to sit down and write a letter, not an email. Letters are more personal.
The letter could include some of what I just wrote along with your feelings. You would include something to the effect that you would always be grateful for any advice they might be able to offer you when and if you ask for it. Though in the end you make the final decision as to a direction to take in any given situation.
Your are more than welcome to send that letter to me for review and suggestions in a private message. I would be happy to review it and send it back with any suggestions I have.
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They are toxic people and they're doing you a favor by keeping you away from them. Like the saying goes: the brighter you shine, the darker the shadows (as in your family's lack of success). They are jealous and obviously controlling. Its good to stay away from them. At least you have your cousin and your boyfriend.
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I know it hurts to have family treat you this way. Its happened to me on occasion but not consistently as you've experienced. I am glad you are not living with family so living on with the boyfriend is a good move dear. Unfortunately, there is no way to force a person to change or step one...realize they have a problem or if they know they do, to be ready to admit it, and then step 2, want to change, be very ready to change for the better. That is something you can not do. What you can do is pray for all of them.
So basically, you are in a position of either choosing:
being able to live your own life and make your own decisions and enjoy life
or just to see family, even if the whole time seeing them is hurtful, degrading, etc... and you come away wishing you hadn't, you can choose to see them regularly but suffer while you do, which doesnt really make sense. You cant choose family but you can choose friends goes the saying. Would you choose to hang with friends who belittle you, assault you and try to jeopardize events in your life? I don't think you would. And that is the best decision also when it is family. I had at different points in time my mother who was divorced and unhappy, stop talking to me for a year. Another time Dad and youngest sis stopped talking to me over some imagined grievance in their mind and wouldn't allow me to explain and no talking to for about 8-10 months. Luckily, they eventually got over it. If they hadn't, I would have had to go on with my life and they just wouldn't have been a part of it. When its family who are the problem, we tend to give them the opportunity and ability to abuse us. I was abused by my first husband. We tend to reason their behavior away in our minds and thats why we allow it. If you want to get somewhere in life, you need to stay away from them. Change your phone number, take all family off facebook or other social networks or start new ones they aren't aware of so they have no way to contact you. If they show up at the door, your boyfriend can stand with you and tell them they are not welcome. If mom trys to find you out in public or enters your home and trys to bully you, threatens or hits you, like that dragging by the hair incident, all are reasons to call the police. Domestic violence is nothing new to them, and children, even though you're an adult, being abused by parents or family is nothing new...but it is a crime. You need to be willing to call police. If that happens often enough, theres a track record showing that theres some mental instability there and perhaps a social worker will realize they need help and try to start encouraging them to get help. So think of it, calling police if it comes to that, is not then a bad thing at all and just may bring future improvement to their lives. You say you have a cousin treated the same. Good for her to be on her own too. So this is the only family then you can have get togethers with if she
is close enough distance wise. Have your own Thanksgiving and Christmas with her, make your own traditions with her and or include the boyfriends familys. Sorry but this is the best way.
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