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does he really love me?
I don't understand if he really loves me or not...we have been in this relationship for 4years..he refused me 3times...4th time he came begging in front me himself...our families know about us...but all is alright except his alcohol consumption n accidents...n he is not settled yet...he just keeps changing jobs n still now not established well...they don't even have their own house...live in rented houses but they expend money like water on their tour car n vagabond lifestyle....i talked to him for several times about our future life n career...as his mom kept telling me to change her son's lifestyle n consuming alcohol habits...but she herself gives him liberty to do all these...n at the end of the day she put all the blames upon me...as if I make her son bound to get hurt n influence him to do these...i talked to him over this...he promises me that he'll get sober but he makes alibi to get drunk...n now a days like his mom he also accuses me for no reason n gets drunk...n if he finds no way to blame me his aligations shift towards his mom...his mom insulted me over n over n last time she crossed all limits n involved my parents too..i couldn't control my anger n literally fought with her...n now she is like insisting her son to get married to another girl...like typical Indian arranged marriage..n she might have chosen a girl for him too..but all I want is to help my bf..he is badly influenced by his mentally sick mom..n he is going in wrong directions..he can't be happy without me though he is angry n mad at me now n wont admit it...n me also can't live without him...i want him happy n stay healthy....what should I do to help him?
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You are likely right that "he is badly influenced by his mentally sick mom" Somethings not right if she is choosing to point the finger and blame for her sons choices on anyone else. I dont know how bad life is for him and how much is her influence and how much is his own choices. Just because some kids end up with shitty parents doesnt mean they need to turn out as bad or worse than their parents. I know of plenty people personally who are wonderful loving people and have seriously f#%ked up parents or vice versa... wonderful parents who raised the kids right, yet none the less, the kids are a mess. If he is 18, he's an adult and it becomes his responsibility to go seek professional help. But he has to ask for help. At the rate he's going, he doesnt sound like good relationship material. whether he feels love for you or something else, is not the issue. Would you seriously consider marrying any guy who loves you regardless of whether he was fully healthy in all ways or had mental issues or battled any vices like drugs, drinking, gambling? Some like that is unable to meet you half way in a relationship. IT takes both partners putting in equal effort to make a relationship work and its hard work. Whether its totally her influence or he has some undiagnosed mental illness of his own, you have seen him choose the easier path, caving in to Moms wishes and doing her will, right? Nothing has changed in his life, nothing grand enough to give him the clear mind, and alcohol free mind and body to make his own decisions and resist her controlling behavior. Until something happens where he ends up on a path of getting professional help, he has no reason to change, not even for you. I used to think that my love could change my husband. He was a churchgoer like me, seemed nice. But after I married, life turned into hell and i didnt leave thinking I'd go against church laws to not divorce. I stayed for 30 yrs while he got worse and worse. I have lived with mental illness in a spouse who went untreated. It resulted in me enduring daily stress due to his mental and emotional abuse of me. Yeah, it may not seem like something that could happen to you. Go ahead and try staying. I did. Over 30 yrs though, the stress instead of making me fall apart mentally, made me fall apart physically. The stress has to go somewhere, so it showed up as body rashes, migraines, stomach ulcers, etc...
I guarantee if you stay with him in hopes of being able to help him and mom, or at least him, at some point down the road, you will begin to suffer troubles yourself, whether mental, emotional or physical...it cant be escaped if you have that in your daily life. Of course, I am now older. Somehow we tend to see things more clearly as we get older and I did. I left him and am now happily remarried 6 yrs to a wonderful man and we have an equal marriage, not one of one being the weak and troubled and one being the strong one.
I had that with the ex. It doesn't work. I was always the strong one, I had to be cus he couldn't handle the unexpected challenges life sometimes brings, he'd get very upset and angry and throw a fit if for example someone broke a window in our car just for the fun of it. Adults have to handle getting it fixed. He couldn't, he just freaked out. So I had to raise 3 kids, and basically he was the 4th child in an adult body and as an adult, fought me tooth and nail on everthing. He could spend freely. I couldn't even buy 2nd hand clothing for the new school year without enduring his wrath? When a person is either under the influence of alcohol or due to mental illness, you can't count on them being able to make an rational thoughts or decisions and I surely know that from experience. My christian faith and belief that My love or my trust in God would heal him was nuts. At one point God finally got through to me saying that he gave everyone a free will to choose they own way and path and he won't take away ones will only for those going down the wrong path. Either all get a free will or all don't. At this point in life, at age 50 if my husband wasn't going to go for professional help and really go with the program but resist it, there wasnt really any hope of him getting better.
Your bf, has to want to change, get better and start asking for help, even if he's not 18 yet, there are agencies he can turn to for help but he has to start asking. The best thing you can do is tell him he needs to get his life changed around. He needs to be able to stand up to Mom and resist her control, he needs to stop drinking, he needs to show ability to be responsible and take care of his own needs starting with sticking with a job. If you see that he has been able to do all of that for a solid year, then at that point in time will you consider getting back into a relationship with him. So if he loves you all that much, he will do this AND stick with his new life after you come back. If at any point, he goes back to old ways, then he has lost you forever. If you can't say those things and give that ultimatum, then theres nothing anyone can tell you that will make your life any easier. You'll need to have to experience the daily nitty gritty of hell with him and his mom until you finally have had enough of it if you ever will. Some of us are willing to put up with crap for a long time in the name of love. The only crazy thing is, I was the only person I forgot to love in the whole equation. I forgot to love myself first. Until we learn to love ourself first, we will be unable to fully love another, mate, family, friend or stranger. The bible says, love your neighbor as you love yourself. It really means we can't love our neighbor until we know how to love ourself. Your bf struggles with the same, if he loved himself, he wouldn't be denying himself the help he needs, he'd go get it. Self love doesnt come from another person loving you. Its something that has to come from deep inside a person.
I hope this has given you something to think about. Based on what I just said here at the end, it's unlikely that what he feels for you is the kind of love that makes for solid healthy relationships.
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Listen, none of this is your fault. You need to realize though that you cant help someone that doesnt want to be helped. It sounds like youve already done everything you can do and your only one person. Your not responsible for another grown adults actions no matter their who their mother is. He clearly has a drinking problem and his mother is encouraging and enabling it, and you have no power in this relationship because your not making any big changes to show that you do.
You leaving him might be whats best for him right now. Hear me out on this ok because i know that when your so in love with someone you might be scared to leave them but try telling him that you "cant live like this anymore" that you "love him but his drinking is really getting in the way of things" and that you "wish him luck in the future but that you just cant live with someone who drinks all the time and blames everyone else for their problems except for themselves" and "this isnt fair to you or him and you want him to get better, so for right now your going to go away for a while until he gets better"
now this will come as a shock to him, and yes he most likely WILL say that he will change and he might even cry, but with the hitory you told me he has it sounds like he feels wayyyy to comfortable with things and that your ideas, opinions and suggestions mean little to nothing in your relationship.
Go stay somewhere else with people you trust if you dont have family, and give him time to wake up. He may call you several times begging for you to come back but thats not real, its simply him just not wanting things to change when they HAVE TO at this point. Once he sees that your serious and your putting your foot down he will wake up. you can talk to him on the phone and tell him to get into treatment and get a stable job but do not go and see him. He NEEDS to long for your touch, miss you, and see that not everyone is like his mother and not everyone is going to put up with his BS.
The real world doesnt work like that and hes going to get nothing but a swift kick in the pants if he doesnt straighten up. Usually once people see that their life is slowly falling apart because they arent keeping up their end of the deal relationship wise, they will do SOMETHING to try to make it right. You CAN still have feelings for him and thats perfectly natural and those feelings arent going to fade over night. You can even still tell him you love him and that thats why your doing this.
its simple, just like a parent making a choice FOR their child, ask yourself "what is in the best interest of my boyfriend? this person that i love that cannot love himself enough to stop?
If you love him YOU will make the right choice for him and he will come out in the end thank you for it because YOU made that change he needed to wake up and this will have been a learning experience for you both. He'll learn that he cant treat you the way he does because you deserve better, and youll learn that life isnt rainbows and unicorns when it comes to love and that in life tough choices are going to be thrown at you (even when it comes to the person you love the most) and you have to do the right thing for that person even if its hurts you too.
If you hold out long enough (which he loves you like you love him wont be that long) he will get himself into treatment or rehab or AA, and find a stable job and that "your doing this because you love him and want a future with him" but that "he needs to meet you half way"
try this method, say these things, and see what he does, and if you need more help with it just inbox me im here to help. ; )
good luck
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