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Am I wrong for shutting down?
Hello, I'm a 22 year old girl and I think I've had a pretty rough couple years. From my mom passing away from cancer when I was 18 to my sister being told she had cancer at only 24. Let me start from the beginning. When my mom passed 4 years ago I had to assume the responsibilities of keeping the household clean, taking care of my 9 yr old brother at the time and making sure dinner was ready when my dad got home after I left my own job. During that time my dad would have dinner after work and go to the bar have a couple drinks with his friends and come home pretty tipsy. My job was to make sure my little brother didn't get him back since my dad always had a bad temper. My little brother was dealing with things pretty well for a 9 yr old. Always very responsible and willing to help. While Im making sure my brother is getting all his homework done and help with anything he needs my dad is messing around with a girl that was my age. At the time I was 20... To me that was just disgusting. I remember not even being able to look at him. My older sister was then diagnosed with ovarian cancer and let me tell you. Losing the most important person to cancer and then having to go through the whole process again was horrible. I was constantly in distress. Luckily the same way it appeared it went away without any treatments. The only way I knew of how to gather my thoughts together was by "shutting down" getting home, putting my sweats pants on grab a book and just read.. or write. Now I'm 22 and have been in a relationship for 2 and a half years and things were wonderful in the beginning ofcourse. But after catching him talking to other girls and him always wanting to know what and with who I am doing anything I started to shut down again. He seems to not understand it and its starting to take a toll on me. I'm starting to question if I'm losing my mind for dealing with things like this. It also takes a lot for me to shut down.. help seriously appreciated. (sorry for the long "question")
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Ohh, I am so sorry to hear what you've had to go through. Yes, that is a lot for a person your age to have had to take all theise responsibilitys on along with the grief and scares concerning sister, not to mention Dad getting into drinking.
Missundersmock brought up the very same thing that was my first impression....it sounds to me like none of your family had a chance to really go through the grieving process properly. Its one thing to lose a mate when the kids are all grown and out on their own but when still living at home...its much harder. Your Dad didnt get a chance to grieve properly. the stress and pain he decided to deal with by numbing himself with drink and thats not going to help him. I get the impression that chores werent divvied up fairly and that the only person willing or able to take up the slack was you, aided by little brother. This wasnt fair to you. Dad and Sis could have been doing a little something to pitch in. At least thats the impression i got and it surely would affect you, keeping you so focused on running the household that you never really had time to grieve properly yourself. I can't explain away why Dad would chose a gal your age to to hang out with. Its understandable he'd be lonely. But whether he's doing his own kind of personal rebellion against no one in particular just because he lost his wife, or he's so drunk all the time and therefore making bad or distasteful decisions on a female friend, I cannot say. But It seems obvious to me, he is doing all this to avoid going through grieving. Until a person does, they can go for years and years being messed up because of it until they get the proper counseling.
I dont know if any of the family is experiencing abandonment issues, even though Mom had no choice and was not willingly choosing to leave you.
I lost my mother when I was 37 and had 3 little kids, a husband and a job to tend to and had my hassles with offices I called as I was doing my best to fulfill the role as executer of her will. She and Dad were divorced. I know just how stressful my particular situation was, no support from husband (the abusive sort)Add in siblings who accused me of intending to cheat them out of their fair share of Moms money and I had absolutely no support.
So I began to shut down in my own ways too. So I understand completely. reading a book is a good way to escape ones life for a short while, in a better way than Dad chose.
Its more of temporary escape-ism. Shutting down to me meant I lost control of my emotions, I wasn't my normally balanced self so I burst out in anger at siblings who deserved it, but that wasnt me. I was upset at myself for not being able to ignore or not let things get to me so I stuffed my emotions and felt nothing for a while. that to me is shutting down.
You say you were doing this before you mentioned the boyfriend. You may have shut down emotionally in a way, somewhere along the lines that affected him. But maybe not. Did he ever approach you and have a talk where he brought up what he felt or thought he saw or sensed? Like for example saying you felt distant all the time, not as excited to see him or be with him, etc. He might have felt affected by all that happened to you, but if he deeply cared about you, i would think you should have been able to expect him to be very supportive, understanding, willing to put his needs aside and being very concerned for your welfare and your well being. If the one person who should be so big a part of your life, and one of the most important people in your life wasn't reaching out to help you but looking to take care of his needs elsewhere, then that goes to show just what level of importance you have in his life.
All people can being wonderful kind human beings when the going is good. The best way to judge a persons character, and especially that of a guy you consider having as your boyfriend and future mate, is how the person acts under stress, when he or you are ill, hurting. How does he handle himself when angry, sad, frustrated, etc...How a person acts and controls themselves or lack thereof, is a pretty good way to see right past all the pretty stuff to who they really are at core. Example: When my husband or I are frustrated, even at each other, we don't yell or let our emotions get out of hand. Yes, we discuss, but dont allow ourselves to become angry with each other. We both realise we're only human and liable to make mistakes or have issues that we can't help like both of us having beginning hearing problems and having to repeat ourselves umpteen times. We choose instead to laugh at the ridiculous thing we thought heard. Laughter immediately reduces the stress. Its who we are at core, loving, understanding, supportive, dependable and it will not change whether things are going great or not so good.
You are lucky that you've had an opportunity to see how your boyfriend has handled his part of the relationship when meeting you shortly after your Mom passed. There is no commitment to you if he's in the mode of hunting around for other girls. And it doesnt take two+ years to decide between a couple of choices of females as to which one he wants to commit to because he's in love with her and has the most in common with her. Dating just to find out more about a person whether theyre a good fit for you is okay, as long as one is clear about it up front. BUT after a couple months, he should have known whether you're the one he could fall for and no one else or whether he should leave you and keep looking. So he is one of those guys, not ready to commit to one woman. Its just not related to your family life and circumstances. While talking to other women, depending on the situation may not be a crime, keeping it a secret, acting as if he's doing something wrong is not right. Demanding to know what you are up to at all times is a bit too much sounding like a controlling person which often has many controllers who are so due to mental illness.
You aren't losing your mind dear. But you've already lost faith in the quality of this man and for good reason. You're only losing your mind if you decide to hold on to him instead of giving him a boot to the ass. Its not like Moms death came some time after you two had been dating a while. He met you after Mom passed if the times you gave are correct. So he knew what he was getting into. You were raising your little brother. Dad was in his own little world unable to really be there as a Dad in the emotional way a young boy needs.
Now a promising man might be one for whom your situation doesnt scare him away, but he loves you all the more for all the responsiblities you've carried so well and recognized you for the strong, loving woman you are. He will be happy to befriend and come to love your little brother and be that older male influence, your brother may crave, like someone to toss a baseball with, etc. You'll know you've got the right guy when he cares more about your needs and that of your family before his own. Getting rid of the boyfriend is one stress you can avoid. You can't avoid helping run the house. But while doing so, you sure could do with some good counseling, grief counseling, as could everyone else. But you cant force sis or dad. get some for yourself and see about getting brother in to see someone. they can determine is he's really doing okay as you seem to think, or whether he's holding back all he's feeling out of concern for you to not be any more burdon for you. Young kids will do this too you know. God Bless you with the strength to successfully handle all thats on your plate dear.
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Im so sorry for your loss. I too lost my mother to breast cancer just 3 years ago. She was my best friend and the world just seems like a different place without her. In the first few months after she died, it did not matter where i was or what i was doing, i would think of her and just break down and be crying my eyes out and my husband would have to take me home, even even we were on the freeway on our way somewhere. I was emotionally so very delicate at the time so i can understand that sort of loss.
after your mother passed, some type of grief counseling should have been offered to your whole family. It sounds like you are all a bit lost and could use some family counseling to help you pull together and get through the loss as a family, not go off in different directions and try to deal with it yourselves in your own little corners. I know it seems like that might be the easiest thing to do and people can try to pretend like their "ok" and that their "over it" and that life goes on but it can really effect people on a level sometimes that they dont even realize because they themselves are still trying to process and digest the fact that this treasured family member is just GONE and not walking this earth anymore.
It might help your family to learn how to reconnect and figure out whos role is who's now because your mother cant fulfill hers anymore and to put it all on you isnt really fair, the counselor might be able to get your dad or other family members to step up and realize that you have alot on your plate too and not everything needs to automatically be put on you.
Now i dont necessarily agree with anti-depression meds but if thats what you really need and some therapy then it needs to be done.
maybe try to gather your family up on special occasions like you mothers birthday, and do something special just for her so that you can honor her in spirit. maybe when her birthday rolls around each year you can buy some pretty flowers and have them on display in your house so that everyone can see that they can still honor her even though shes not with you anymore, but that it would make her happy in spirit to know that you did that.
These small happy moments can make a huge difference in everyone over time. Maybe do things she used to love to do with your siblings for her to help you all feel closer to her.
After my mother died i grew a whole garden right outside my apartment door in a patch of dirt no one cared about. I did this while i had a seizure condition, and felt completely broken down as a person, and i still have that garden. I sometimes buy plants from the store to place in the garden as well as a hummingbird feeder to hang there. it helps me to feel closer to her because she was an avid gardener and loved feeling close to nature.
you'll get through this....even if you have to grab your family and pull them with you along the way......good luck = )
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My condolences on the loss of your mother.
Shutting down is an escape mechanism that is a part or a symptom of clinical depression. Given everything you have gone through and what has been put upon you it is natural for you to be depressed but not to the point you appear to be. Are you at the point that you need medication? I can't say I'm not a doctor. Having been depressed myself I know what some of the symptoms are and you are expressing several of them.
What I suggest is this. Call your doctor and make an appointment for a complete physical, you are going to need one anyway if you are diagnosed as clinically depressed and seek treatment. While your with your doctor ask to be screened for depression. It is a painless exam and consists of the doctor asking you some questions by which a diagnosis can be made. The reason for the physical is to rule out any organic reason for you feeling the way you do.
Clinical depression is a medical condition not a mental condition as it is caused by the body not making enough of one or two chemicals that help us keep from getting depressed. Since these chemicals are secreted into the brain the family doctor is not the best doctor to treat this problem. The best doctor to treat this is a Board Certified Psychiatrist who is a Medical Doctor who has done a years Fellowship and past specific test to Practice psychiatry. They are better qualified and have a better knowledge of medications then the family doctor might prescribe.
I would also suggest you seek talk therapy with a psychologist. I think you need this as you need to get all of this of your chest to someone who will keep your confidence. A psychologist can be that best friend you tell your deepest and darkest secrets to knowing they will never be told to anyone.
Lastly if I am correct and you are suffering with depression try and remember that depression colors your perception. That what you see may not actually be what you believe you are seeing. It is more of what you think it could be than what it actually is. In essence what I'm saying is if you love your boyfriend do not do anything rash until you are in treatment then talk to the psychologist about what you see and work it out together before doing anything rash.
I've sort of been where you are, being depressed, so I know from where I speak. Please see a doctor and get some help.
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