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husband hiding things and picking fights
Lately my husband has been picking fights with me over anything and everything. No matter how small, it turns in to a knock down drag out ending with him telling me I should just go to my moms or telling me I should probably leave. It seems like he is always tip toeing around things while he waits for me to actually say them so I can be the bad guy. He may say "You just need to get your stuff and go to your moms, its not working out" and I'll say something along the lines of "fine if that's what you want ill get my things" and he will follow up with something like "you always leave". Then thirty minutes later he just acts like nothing ever happened..It makes me feel crazy. I don't feel like I should have to beg him for forgiveness over petty fights that turn in to him telling me to leave. It feels so immature and its hurting me. How do we get over this or can we?
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Arguing in relationships is both normal and healthy, but if its happening every single day/multiple times a day, there's something wrong. Has he been leaving for no reason lately or texting much? Maybe he's trying to get you to leave because he's feeling guilty for having an affair on you or something? Then, he's just trying to turn it around on you so he doesn't feel as bad? Most likely, the best way to do this is try to tell him your feelings, no matter if it's a text, written down on paper, or talked about face to face. You need to make sure he knows that it's hurting you severely. Perhaps, leaving to your mother's for a few days would help him understand that he needs you and that he's acting childish.
~Mandi
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You use the word "lately" in describing what is going on between you and your husband. This is a key word as it means this is a new dimension in your relationship with him. It does not necessarily mean something is wrong with you or you did something to upset him or cause him to be upset with you.
Most likely something has happened with him to cause his behavior at home to change. The problem will be to get him to tell you what is going on that cause him to be short tempered and fly of into these rages. The fact that after the cools off he realizes he upset you and he is all peached and cream again. It is understandable this would make you crazy.
If I were to make a guess I would think that most of these rages take place Monday through Friday. If I'm correct then the underlying cause could be stress at work. Just what this stress could be would be hard to say.
What needs to be done is for you two to have a calm conversation about the new dimension in your lives. If I'm correct this happens more during the week then on a Saturday try making him his favorite dinner. It is hard to fly into a rage when your stomach is full and your are feeling content.
Have your coffee in the living room with both of you on the couch and then try to have a conversation about his rages. You might start with asking him what has been bothering him as he has not been himself. You follow it up with you can deal with whatever it is that is bothering him but you cannot with his flying off the handle over little nothings. Its hurtful and it scares you.
One other thing you might do is schedule him for a complete physical with his doctor. When you make the appointment for him, tell the appointment nurse why you are doing so, his change in demeanor and ask that the doctor also screen him for depression.
Stress causes depression and while I am not a doctor some of what you write fits some of but not all of the symptoms of depression. The screening is painless and consist of questions the doctor will ask your husband. Unless you tell him he won't know he is being screened. The full physical is to rule out any organic cause for his change his demeanor,
Id he refuses to do either then yes next time this happens pack a bag and go to your mothers. Stay there until he either agrees to see a doctor or agrees to get some therapy with a psychologist both for anger management and whatever is bothering him.
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Ok im gonna tell you what i tell alot of people that get into this situation. Take a break and leave for a while and even if he asks you to come back say no, and say that this is what you wanted and im honoring that request.
you shouldnt have to put up with this, it sounds like he already has it in his head that he wants to break up he just doesnt have the heart to say it outright and go through with it. Leave when hes not there if need be, take some of your things and make it known that if he ever threatens you in this manner again that it is for real over and you will not be coming back ever.
It sounds like hes going through something right now and he just is refusing to talk about it. You could try (if your even still up to it) to sit down with him and try to get him to really talk. come to him, put your hand on his leg, and ask if "we can talk" in a soft gentle manner. get him to look at you, make eye contact, and ask "whats really going on here with you lately?" and just be quiet and let him answer. stay poker faced, dont let anything he says get to you because in the state hes in he may lash out some but you have to be the adult here and let him just get it all out of his system. if it sounds like what hes saying it bullshit, then say "i dont think thats really what it is, whats really going on with you, youve been acting really different lately and im worried for you thats all" and maybe add a "i think i know you well enough to know when something is wrong, you seem really stressed out and i want to help if i can because i love you despite all the bullshit youve been putting me through lately with your attitude"
showing concern for someone but doing in it a firm tough love sort of way can really show them that you care but your not going to sit here and take whatever it is thats going on, or continue to allow it but that your here to help if hes open to it.
If hes not after that i dont know what to tell you except that it might be best for you to move on if he refuses to show improvement. your only one person and you can only help someone who wants to be helped. He cant just expect you to keep living like this.
whatever happens try to be the bigger person, and even if you break up continue to be civil so that you dont accidentally fuel the fire and give him anything realistic to hold against you. His moods sound really up and down and if i was you i would also check to make sure hes not using any kind of drugs or over using any kind of medication that could make him have extreme moods swings because thats not normal if he wasnt like that before.
good luck and feel free to inbox me if you need more help.
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