|
No kids at a wedding?
Hi, I'm 26.. getting married in May. We're having a small wedding (40 people) in a church, followed by a very formal reception in a historical house.
We made the decision a while ago to have it an adults-only affair, as it's going to be a very late night (finishes at 12) and there's going to be a band and alcohol. We didn't want to put it on the invites (as weddings we've been to have) so we're just telling people. Everyone has expected so far not to bring their children, except my fiance's sister.
She hit the roof, saying that if her 7 month old baby can't be there neither will she. We said we can't make exceptions, it's not fair and she's far too little for the wedding. She said that she can't possibly leave her, even though she has left her several times with her grandparents to go to BBQ's and parties, etc.
I love kids, I'm an elementary school teacher but she is being very unfair. Now my fiance's parents are threatening not to come unless we make the niece a 'focal point' of our wedding. It's OUR wedding! They are saying everyone will love her and if she cries they'll just take her out and put her in a 'different room' at the reception.
I'm so upset, she was also meant to be my bridesmaid so now she's left me in the lurch. I tried to compromise by saying I'll organise child care, and you can always see her after the ceremony before the reception but it's not enough for her. She's also getting very abusive now in text messages.
What should I do advicenators? This is really wearing me down in a supposed exciting time :(
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Miscellaneous category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Etiquette?
First off, don't let this little stump in the rode get to you. It's your special day and you definitely don't need drama added to it. You have explained your sister-in-law to be, that there are no children permitted !NO EXCEPTIONS! If she can't be reasonable then that's on her and maybe she doesn't need to come. Explain to her that even though she may be concerned for her 7 month old baby she's being very difficult and taking the focus off of you and your hubby to be special day! Remind her of the times that she has left her child with it's grandparents and present that as an option.
If she doesn't understand after that, then let it be. I know you may be stressed trying to find a new bridesmaid, but hey! It's always good to have a backup plan anyway. If it may help... try having your fiance talk to her instead. I hope that you have a special day and that everything works out, hoped I could be a help. Bye!
]
It is really a very simple question. This is your wedding, yours and your future husbands. Your wedding your; your rules very simple. If you make an exception for her then someone else will make want an exception made for them.
Before you work yourself into a fit over this check with the venue your wedding is taking place at. since it is a Historic old House they may have certain rules regarding children that take this problem out of your hands.
Do not be bullied by her or your in-laws. If you and your fiancé are firm together on this and you allow yourselves to be bullied by your future sister in-law or mother in-law over this. Then you are setting the stage for being bullied by them on any future event they disagree with you on. One such event that comes to mind is the naming of children. You can avoid future arguments of this type by declaring your independence now.
If they chose to show their ignorance by refusing to attend your wedding. It is there loss not yours. You only marry once and if they choose to not attend then they are the ones that miss out on this great event. You should not let it drag you down.
As to his sister being your bridesmaid tell her now you need to know if she means what she says. For if she will not attend your wedding you will have your best friend take her place. Once you ask your friend to be your bridesmaid there will be no turning back. As to your fiancé's parents; I believe this is more threat than action on their part. I seriously doubt a parent would not attend the wedding of their child.
]
Heres the thing, alot of people feel that weddings should be family friendly events, but if your choosing to serve alcohol, then depending on where you are its illegal to have children in the same building and you can actually get in trouble for that and the wedding can be shut down. So you might want to find out if thats a reality your going to have to deal with for you wedding and maybe even tell your family thats acting like this and see what their reaction is. (even if you have to fib a little on that) its your wedding and if you really want them to be there and actually be "ok" during the event then i dont see a problem with a little white lie. ; )
Theres now real arguing that someone whos NOT running the wedding can fight about. a simple "well i talked to the so and so of the building and they said children arent allowed because there will be alcohol being served and its illegal" If their still fighting you after that then their not going to be happy for you no matter what you do and maybe they shouldnt be there in the first place.
I know you made your niece part of the wedding but if you want the win the argument about the no children thing then youll have to take her out too, because then it wont make sense that shes allowed but no one else is. Say that you didnt know this would be an issue with the building owner (or whoever) and that your not loving it either but youve already chosen the place and its too late now. thats the only real way i can see you winning this fight.
It IS your wedding, and i can understand the feeling of unfairness, but on the side of the parents of those children youve chosen to nix from the wedding their probably feeling upset or that you might secretly not like them or something to that degree. (((its a parental pride thing))) with some parents its worse than others. your basically saying "i dont want the smaller version of YOU here" to them, which even though thats probly NOT what your saying, thats what their hearing.
Arranging child care for them doesnt change that much because now your asking them to trust someone they dont know with their kids. lol. so I know you might be thinking that will help but it probably doesnt make that much of a difference. ((speaking as a parent myself))
Try to stay excited, and remember this day isnt all about THEM its about YOU and your partner!
If you can build up the balls to have a candid conversation with them each individually, say "look i would really love it if you would just try to come, i want you there on my special day but because of the way we wanted our reception to be (fun and with alcohol) children just arent an option. If you still want to come it would mean alot but if you chose not to be there thats ok and youll be missed" If they crack at point and choose to say "ookkk i care about you toooo ill do it" then all is well!!
If not and they continue to act stupid then THEY will be missing out and will regret having not been there later after they see all the fun and wonderful pictures from the day of!
when it comes to parents you have to try to be extra delicate.
]
Where's your fiancee in all this?? Is he aligning himself with his family either by chickening out and not making a unified front against the relatives, or verbally agreeing or trying to placate them,
or is he aligning himself with you, the two of you having talked about it and come to an agreement as a unified front, regarding what you think is fair, Then when tested by the relatives, he puts his foot down and backs you up. They will follow your wishes or they can not attend.
Sounds like the sister took after her parents cus theyre all acting the same, like children throwing tantrums and giving ultimatums just to get what they want. This is what is happening. I think it's scary he gave from the same family. Be on the look out for controlling abusive behavior in him. Although he may have lucked out and gotten a better gene. Children of parents like that, learn to accept or pretend at least to do what parents want and go along with whatever the parents dictate. It causes the least fights that way. So he may not know how to stand up to his family. That is going to create problems for you. It may be the females of that family resent you for taking him away from them--in importance at least cus you replace them now as number one concern to him, putting them at 2nd most important now to him. It could be as petty as that. Just because they are adults doesn't mean they will automatically be mature people. Expect things to not get any better than the issues you have now with them, for things to remain the same or grow much worse regarding them and you two. If you can live with this for the rest of your life, go for it. But it's not easy for him to alienate them if they won't budge and expect him to make allowances. If they learn in this wedding prep plan event that you will allow them to get away with anything, they will push and push to make life miserable once you are married. If they cant respect you now, then it won't improve when you're married. Just realize what you are about to marry into and have some good talks with fiancee to see where he stands on not allowing anyone to make demands of you or treat you without respect. If he cant tell his parent with conviction that he will not allow them to tell you what to do, it's none of their business. It's not their own Wedding where they get to call the shots. So he asks they keep their opinions to theirself and if they can't,, that he and you will not be going to come visit or spend any time with them. Then when they invite just him. He tells them, if my wife isn't welcome, then you won't see my either. If he does visit and leaves you at home, so he doesnt feel guilty staying away, he sends them the silent message that he will not fight them if they try to split you up. He is the key to how this will turn out. I would suggest you and he iron out issues ahead of time and if he can't make satisfactory changes as far as dealing with his family, then you either marry him knowing it won't be good, or choose to call the wedding off.
]
More Questions: |