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Boyfriend's Mom Pushing the Idea of an Abortion on Me
Me-23/F
Boyfriend-25/M
I took an at home pregnancy test which I purchased from a local drug store, which tested negative.
Around that time out of fear and wondering what was going on with my body, I decided to speak to my boyfriend's mother who I THOUGHT would be accepting and understanding. My sister was telling me one thing and my brother's boyfriend's girlfriend was telling me something else, they are both in their twenties so I thought that I would speak to someone older to see if they could shed light.
I chose this woman because the two of us have had such a great relationship in the past and she has been there for me many times. She texted me back, telling me that I was probably pregnant or there was something off with my cycle.
From that point on, she suggested that I get an abortion because my boyfriend and I are not financially ready and are both still in school, but told me that it was up to me.
After taking the test I went to an urgent care clinic, where a doctor saw me who gave me yet another urine test which tested negative. She suggested that I take a blood test to find out whether or not I am pregnant because she said that it is much more accurate.
I texted my boyfriend's mother with what the doctor had said, and she wanted to know the results of the blood test right away. I explained to her that it would take a while for me to find out, that it was lab work and that I would not know right away.
So the chances are very low that I am actually pregnant but it does not stop my boyfriend's mother from basically forcing an abortion on me. In her words, we cannot raise the child because none of us are financially ready and giving the child up for adoption (even though she gave a son or adoption 35 years ago, who she regrets giving birth to). Not only did she try to make up our minds for us, but she said that she hopes that I am not pregnant so that "WE" (my boyfriend, his mother, and I) do not have a decision to make.
Her perspective is that we can make any decision that we want but that she doesn't want her son to screw up his life. I am leaning towards accepting the pregnancy and raising the child, which I think is the best decision for me and my boyfriend. Every option seems to have a double-edged sword, but even though my family will probably kill me when they find out I know that by the time the baby's born that my boyfriend and I will have a place to go, as long as we get married (which we have talked about doing anyway).
I have no idea what my boyfriend thinks about this. But am I being unreasonable by strongly disagreeing with her, how do I get her to accept my decision and to realize that her son is a grown adult and she cannot make such a decision for him?
This all started because I asked my boyfriend if he wanted me to tell his mom the test results, or if he wanted to. He just said "don't tell her anything," as if this something that is just going to go away.
(BTW, if I am pregnant I think that my boyfriend would have conceived the child sometime in November. He only has one more semester of college left, and has experience as an accounting intern and I do not doubt that he is going to find a job in his chosen field.)
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Want to answer more questions in the Sexual Health and Reproduction category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Abortion?
Lets get one thing straight from the beginning. This is your body. You and only you can make a decision concerning what happens with your body. You are an adult in all respects of the word; no one can force you to do anything you do not want to.
I also would be very surprised if the blood test comes back positive. The blood test will be the final say of course though two negative urines tests with the same result are fairly conclusive that you are not pregnant. Had you gone to a GYN they probably would have done a intra-vaginal ultrasound which would have allowed them to see if a fetus was in uterus. That would have been very conclusive. Blood test can also return false positives so if it does come back positive please see a gynecologist and let them do an intra-vaginal ultrasound to see what if anything is uterus.
Back to your choices and your parents. One again you can ask peoples advice and take that advice into consideration. You and maybe your boyfriend if you wish to have his input have the last say in what to do about this pregnancy if you are pregnant. Legally only you can make any decision and you need not bend to the will of his mother, your boyfriend or your parents.
Being old enough to be your grandfather I'm fairly certain your parents won't kill you or disown you. They may be shocked, a bit dismayed at first. Mom may cry and dad may shout at first. Though once they get over the initial shock of having an unmarried pregnant daughter. They will come to the realization they are about to become grandparents and that is when things change.
Whether you are married or not, going to get married, nothing changes for them. They are going to be grandparents, you are going to be a mom and you know nothing about being a parent. They have to be their for the sake of their grandchild for their job as parents is not over. They now have to teach you how to be a parent or so they think.
If and that is a big if you are pregnant, I will let you in on a secret that will keep peace between you and your mother. When you and the baby are with her let her do as she pleases with the child. After all she raised you and you came out alright. When you are home with the child you then correct anything grandma allowed or did that you would not allow or do. This advice of course will make more sense when you do have children.
I honestly do not believe your pregnant. There are many reason for missing a period other than pregnancy. In fact stress over a possible pregnancy is more a reason to miss a period then pregnancy. Add to this the stress of mid term exams and there is more than enough stress to cause your cycle to be off.
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Hon, what this sounds like is an adult parent trying to live, or relive their life and choices they made, through their children. Yes, this is a very common situation.
What happens is either that the parent will give their opinion whether asked for or not, begin telling their adult child what to do, start throwing fits or giving ultimatums to their child if their wishes are not followed, attempt to relive their own life situation in the past--attempting to live it through with a totally different choice. As she already stated, she wished she'd never carried thru on a pregnancy, regrets giving birth. While I don't understand that, why she had a problem with it if she gave up the child for adoption, only she knows what is really eating at her. She is wondering though what it would have been like to have an abortion instead and perhaps in a subconscious way is hoping to live that experience through you. She has gone overboard in wanting you to be checked out so many times. I have an odd ball impression that just perhaps, it's not that she's trying to rule out a pregnancy for you, but wanting so desperately for you to actually Be Pregnant so she can then mentally/emotionally attempt to control you to go through with an abortion, allowing her to somewhat fulfill her fantasy/imagination of what that would have been like for her. I know that's bizarre thinking but that is exactly what some humans do. None of what I am supposing here may be the case but it sure does give some logical explanation into her odd behavior.
Here are some things you need to keep in mind.
As long as both of you are living with her and relying on her financially, she will feel it in her rights to make demands, direct your lives, force her wishes upon you. TO some extent, she has a right to enforce ground rules as to what is allowed/not allowed in her house but may go overboard and attempt to do the same with the other area's of your life and decisions that should be yours.
2. Talking to her, will not change her. People do not change quickly for the better and rarely do they see or are willing to admit that they are in error. Desire to change must come from within. So the best you should expect her to be is just as she is, for the rest of her life. If she improves...great! Thats a bonus. But likely, what you see is what you will get for a mother in law/family member whether you are legally married or not to her son. You may have gotten along before but that was before something like this pushed the buttons of her control and allowed for her to actually show you some of her true self. This type of interferance and forcing of her will on you will continue in other areas, even if you won the lottery and had no financial concerns tomorrow...so just keep that in mind.
3. Another issue is lack of communication between you and the boyfriend. You admitted: I have no idea what my boyfriend thinks about this. If he does have feelings on it and hasn't shared them, why hasn't he? Is he afraid to disagree with his mother? Or if he feels totally opposite of how you feel, then is he afraid of admitting he agrees with his mom, leaving you to make the decision on your own and also take the brunt of any repercussions from his mom? Is he a mama's boy, who hasn't grown up in some ways, unable to cut the apron strings, still allowing mom to make decisions for him? The normal progression for a male is to leave the home and mother (even if not physically, but mentally) and chose to 'cleave' as written in the Bible to his choice of a mate--girlfriend/wife. This means his loyalty and support now go to you. If both of you are the perfect match for each other,and feel the same way about birth control choices and family planning, then he needs to step up and make decisions together with you, as a united front against his mom. I understand it may not be taking advantage of her, staying with her but she may be thinking ahead to when a grandchild is here, both of you are working but can't afford daycare, then it falls to her to watch the child and she will resent being put into that position...even if you never ask, just because the child exists, is her flesh and blood, she will feel obligated and at same time angry to be stuck in that position, feeling she has no choice.
The problem lies more between the dynamics of the relationship between her and her son rather than you and her or the two of you with her. You wonder why she is continueing to do so? Probably cus nobody has dared stand up to her. Either your boyfriend will or he won't. And as long as he's in your life, so will she be and you'd have to be okay with her and how she acts.
The only two things you can do as adults to set yourself up for an easier future is first, get on some kind of health insurance where your medical needs are taken care of and get on birth control. You're both in school and you didn't say if its all grants, if you have student loans or if working at least part time. I don't believe there ever is a time when a person is really financially ready for a child. And who knows what that magic number is in being able to raise a child. I raised 3 and still had a husband let go and on unemployment several times, finding only jobs available which was less than what met the bills, used food banks, wic (food vouchers for expecting mothers and nursing mothers and young children) lots of 2nd hand clothes, and clothing for kids programs thru schools for things like socks underwear and shoes and coats, hot lunch programs and whatever other services were available for those who financially struggle. And yet we waited 7 yrs to have our 1st when it looked we were financially stable and then it all fell apart after. So realistically, you can make a choice to not get pregnant, use birth control now, wait til out of school and have good jobs but there is no guarantee that the unexpected won't happen. And if it does, how will his mom handle it and how will she attempt to interfere. She can't interfere if he doesn't allow it and draws the line at what is okay and what he will not stand for from her, even though she is his mom and still has his love. You can love a parent but not allow them to run your life. You can't make him change if he is unwilling to stand up to her. Thats another thing to think about long term. Okay maybe for a short term relationship with him but life long, it will be grueling and bring much strife and unhappiness to you and could destroy your relationship in the very end if things get bad enough. These are some of the many things you'll need to think about regarding the situation you are in. If you have any more info or something you left out that could affect an advicegivers help to you, or have more specific questions, let me know and I'll try to help but you'd need to go to my column and write me from there.
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She needs to realize that this isn't her choice to make. It's not her baby.
Everyone will have an opinion. But your opinion is what matters. If you continue to update her, just let her know that you'll think about all options and you'll choose what you think is best for you.
I'm not sure what other advice you're looking for or if you were just looking for a place to vent.
I'm sure you've thought a lot about all your options and that you will make the right choice for you.
I also think that if she keeps trying to pressure your decision, that you should let her know that you will think about all options. And if she keeps doing it, I'd stop updating her and stop talking about the subject with her.
This might be why your boyfriend told you not to talk to her about it. That maybe he knew her opinions already and knew she would try to get too involved. Sometimes people don't need to get involved with something so personal, especially so soon and you don't even know if you're pregnant yet. Because it can definitely make you more stressed.
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Well first off, you cant MAKE someone accept the choices you make in life. Its your life and no one else's, so weather you allow her to voice her option or not its still up to you and your boyfriend to make this important life decision.
Others arent always going to be happy with your choices but they arent theirs to make. Stay true to yourself and while i think its great to hear people out and allow their voices to be heard and then taken into consideration, at the end of the day you still have to choose whatever your going to do. ; )
Please let me say im sorry sweetie. I saw your feedback and i want to help as much as i can here. Im sure that you know and i cant exactly tell you how to deal with someone ive never even met before. I dont think anyone here really can, but i think listening to your boyfriend when he knows her better then you do is a huge part to consider here.
I have to agree with the other poster here about how to deal with her though. I think quiet and yet still respectful is the solution here. Silence cant really get you in trouble either, so i read that you said that you talk with her alot and all which im sure makes you feel closer to her on some level.
At the end of the day though shes still just your boyfriends mom and doesnt need to be totally filled in on everything yet until you know for sure anyway. You dont want to falsely alarm anyone with a pregnancy scare.
good luck.
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