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Depression and a relationship
24/f
I have come to realize that I more than likely have depression. There are days where I just feel like there's a dark cloud over me. I will sleep for 12 hours and still feel exhausted and just be super negative and sad. Sometimes I will cry for a long time before bed for no reason and feel really hopeless even if I've had a good day. There seems to be no way to tell when it's coming or how long it will last. It doesn't appear to be caused by anything in my life- I have an amazing boyfriend of two years and am going to school for something I love. I did have a bad childhood (abusive family) but don't feel that's relevant anymore.
My boyfriend and I live together, and my "episodes" are becoming increasingly hard for him to deal with. He is patient and kind, but gets upset because he blames himself when I'm not happy. Sometimes I feel I have no right to be in a relationship because I don't think I'll ever be able to have a normal life or kids or anything. Between his ADHD and my depression, I feel like we are unable to help each other and just keep upsetting each other. It makes me wonder if it would be better for him not to be with me, even though he's the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with.
I'm not interested in medication (had some pill abuse problems in the past) and haven't had luck with therapy. Is there another way that I can manage this and maybe even get better?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Finding old activities that you used to enjoy and doing them again can bring back fun memories and keep your mind busy!
I have felt the way you feel before, but I can imagine your frustration at feeling it so randomly with no apparent reason.
Sometimes there doesn't need to be a reason, it could be a sign that your body needs change.
Try changing your diet to foods that are known to naturally boost serotonin like dark chocolate, bananas, eggs, turkey and flax seed.
Exercise can also increase serotonin levels so going for walks or jogs can also help to lift your mood.
It is much easier said than done I know to get up and do these things when you feel like hiding away but you have your amazing boyfriend to support you the whole time! Talk to him about how you're feeling no matter what and it can seriously help to put things into a better perspective for you!
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My brilliant answer is to talk to me. I go through a very similar thing. I could go on for pages about things that will help, but that's a lot of typing. If you're willing to chat with a stranger, I'm willing to give every bit of advice I can for you.
My email is imasillyrob@gmail.com. Feel free to email me.
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The abusive relationship, though distant could well be having a significant effect here. Recent thinking favours very much the 'frozen trauma' principle. That probably needs a bit of explaining. Normally after a traumatic experience we progress through a process of Shock-Denial-Anger-Grief-Acceptance. The stages may vary in duration and intensity, but we cannot skip a stage. We cannot progress straight from a shock (trauma) to acceptance, for example. Acceptance is the final, liberating stage. We become 'free' of the trauma. We have 'processed it' in the age-old human way. What if we fail to process it properly? Never reach acceptance? We become stuck (frozen) in one of the the interim phases. We never get over the anger, for example? We remain constantly in denial? Then it becomes a block. We find it difficult to handle things we feel we should be able to handle. We constantly go into 'threat response' mode (anxiety, nervous, frayed nerves). In the moments the alert/threat response mode 'switches-off' the change in mood feels like a crippling depression. It is debilitating, damaging. So may I ask YOU a question? Do you feel you have ever properly processed the abusive relationship? Have you reached acceptance? Or are you still grieving, still angry etc? Try to be totally honest with yourself here. Saying 'I have handled it and moved on' may be a defence mechanism. Are you REALLY at peace with these past events? If not, then you must work on 'thawing-out' this frozen trauma via counselling or therapy. Then you are on the way to being free of the damaging psychological effects. Hope this reply may help. X
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Perhaps there's some built up stress in your life that isn't finding a proper release? If that's the case, stress-relieving practices might help.
Are there yoga classes nearby? If not, you can look up poses or breathing exercises online somewhere that help relieve stress. This works really well for some people.
Do you breathe using your chest more or your diaphragm? Breathing from your diaphragm can relieve some stress as well. If you're unsure of how, try breathing from your stomach area more than from your chest. When you inhale, see that your stomach is expanding while your chest, for the most part, doesn't move. When you're feeling depressed, this might help a little.
If you feel yourself getting worked up, try to make sure your body doesn't have a lot of unused tension. Try to calm yourself down by focusing on relaxation. Take a long bubble bath while listening to soothing music. Get your boyfriend to give you a massage. Light some nice scented candles. Try not to think so much and just concentrate on the nice things around you.
Try keeping your mind occupied with positive things when you feel depressed. Try to find things to smile about, because smiling itself has been known to improve one's mood.
It's stressful dealing with depression, but it's even worse when you take responsibility for someone else's feelings. You don't have to break up to stop feeling responsible for each other's feelings. You and he just need to realize that sometimes there's nothing you can really do to change someone's mood. When you're depressed, it's not because of something he is or isn't doing. It has nothing to do with him. You are depressed because you are depressed.
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