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Dad Keeps Judging Me
I am a Christian and I'm working on being a better one, but I'll be the first person to admit that I'm far from perfect. I have debilitating guilt and shame about my past and even the way I came to Christ, even though that sounds strange now that I'm writing it.
I feel like everyone else has really great, inspiring stories and I have kind of a cowardice one. Long story short, I wanted to come to God for years, but thought that I was too bad to do so. Like God wouldn't want someone like me. I didn't have the courage to find out if that was true or not until I was sick and thought I might be dying soon. When I found out that you can be forgiven for anything, I asked Jesus into my heart. (I'm fine now BTW).
Getting to my problem, my dad will not stop judging me, or my family for that matter. He judges us for missing church and any sins we commit. He'll imply or flat out say that we won't go to Heaven because of certain things that he himself does.
I hope this doesn't sound like I'm being hypocritical and judging him, but he's got problems as well. He talks hatefully to my mom, he does rotten thing to people, he uses filthy language, he lies, he takes our things that don't belong to him and these are the kinds of things he judges us for. He'll come home from church and act this way. I've never habitually done all of these things and I've repented, but when I drop the ball, he's all over me. I'm not saying that my dad's a terrible man or that he's not going to Heaven, but I don't feel that he's in a position to look down his nose at me.
The worst is when he judges me for missing church. I admit that I've been bad about that, but church isn't the only place where I worship God with other Christians. I've heard that you don't have to go to church as long as you worship somewhere. It's not in the Bible. It's not that I don't like church, it's just a long story of why I don't go every single Sunday.
He's confident about his own salvation and that of certain people close to him. He just judges his household. It bothers me that he thinks I might not go to Heaven when he and some of the people close to him are no better than I am. It just plain bothers me that he judges me at all.
One reason I think it bothers me is because it makes me feel like such a loser. It brings back the guilt and shame I mentioned earlier. It also makes me wonder if I'll ever be the Christian I need to be. If my own dad doesn't have confidence in me, how strong of a Christian can I be?
What do you think of this situation?
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Dude after reading your post I certainty don't think you're a loser. But my suggestion for what it's worth is to broaden your horizons. You seem like a sensitive, intelligent young person but fyi parents are not always perfect. Remain kind, sensitive,and patient with folks. Also find a spiritual path that may better suit you. Believe me there's no one size fits all. This may not be your cup of tea but check out the Catholic workers.
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Hi there,
I am glad you came to realize that Jesus will accept anyone regardless of their circumstances/past. No, you do not sound hypocritical or judging, just as if you are expressing your concerns. I know of other Christian Dads that are this way, which is a shame. No need to worry about his faith; John 3:16 "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life." I feel as if your Dad just needs to look into Jesus' word in a different perspective. Jesus was forgiving and encouraging.. I believe your Dad should figure out how he can react the same way as Jesus would to certain circumstances in your household/general life. No, I'm not saying you can change his ways, but you can help him realize God's intentions.
Romans 2:1
"You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things."
I believe too that church isn't the only way you will worship God. Hebrews tells you to learn, pray and encourage eachother. Which does mean you should take time to worship with other Christians so you can grow your faith and further build your relationship with Him. Hebrews 10:25 says: "Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some [is]; but exhorting [one another]: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching." Thessalonians 5:17 says: "Pray without ceasing," and Psalm 119:1-176 says: "Blessed are those whose way is blameless, who walk in the law of the Lord! Blessed are those who keep his testimonies, who seek him with their whole heart, who also do no wrong, but walk in his ways!". Nowhere does it say you absolutely, positively have to attend church to do so. God just wants you to have Him in your heart and for you to share His word with others. Attending church is definitely a great way to do this, but it is not the only way. The Church of God is made up of His people and is not a building made with hands.
You are not a loser and you should not feel guilty either. If you want to be the Christian you wish to be, you only need to read and live God's word - it is that simple. Reading the Gospel is the best way to understand eternal life and as long as you are willing to let Jesus into your heart, he will always let you into his. 'The kingdom of God is a treasure hunt'. You are as strong of a Christian as you make yourself. Your Dad's criticism and confidence in you doesn't define your Christianity. YOU make YOURSELF a better Christian. Always remember: Proverbs 3:26 "For the lord will be your confidence and keep your foot from being caught" and Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me." You will always have the strength of an awesome Christian, as long as you have faith.
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I'll be honest, this may not be a question for me. I'm not Christian, I am agnostic. I was raised Catholic, but I no longer believe in any God. But there are parts of your question that have nothing to do with religion that I can definitely speak to, and I'll do my best on the rest. I just wanted to state my biases outright.
First, everyone judges everyone. Judging, without the positive or negative connotations, is just looking at those around us and trying to figure out who they are and what they're like. I think that you do not have to be perfect to judge others for their faults, but at the same time I think that no one has the right to be hypocritical.
When it comes to Church, gathering to worship is as old as religion itself. You don't keep a religious community running without gathering it's adherents together to agree with each other on their religion. My problem is that there are a ton of people in the world, especially in America, who think that going to church makes them a good person. In Catholicism we called them "Sunday Catholics." People who go to church and sing hymms and give money to the church and then go spend the rest of their week being as un-christian as possible.
Believing in God itself does not make anyone a good person, but there are alot of people who think the exact opposite. They think that believing in God and believing God forgives them for their wrongs gives them license to be a shitty, horrible human being. They are not actually good people, but they will self righteously lord their beliefs and their involvement with their religion over others as if it makes them a better person than other people who are not as devout, even when those not as devout people or people who are devout in ways they refuse to recognize are just plain better people in their day to day lives.
Now, when it comes to your father, you have to realize something that every child eventually realizes.
Your parents are just the same as everyone else in that they are fallible people who believe and think things that are wrong. I'm not talking about religion at all with this. I'm talking about things like believing that they know things they do not, that they are better than others when they are not, that they make mistakes and are fallible and can easily be wrong.
Your father is a selfish asshole. Sorry if that sounds harsh, I have my own parent problems and so I pull no punches with parents and especially fathers. I think most fathers these days do not measure up.
I won't speak to Christianity, but you can indeed be the person you want to be even if your father thinks you're scum. What you have to realize is that not only is it entirely reasonable that he's wrong about you, but that from what you've said the actual things he judges and measures to see whether you or anyone else is a good person are also wrong. Which at the same time frees you. You do not have to be a person who is good by the way your father defines good. You can look at your own life, at the people you care about who care about you, and define for yourself what a good person is.
All that takes is working to surround yourself with people who have qualities you admire, whether it's Christian qualities of belief and devoutness or just human qualities like being intelligent, being fair, being humorous, or being kind. Define for yourself what a good person is, and hold yourself to that standard, and ask people who you actually respect, who respect you, to tell you when you fall short.
That's how you find peace with this, because your father isn't judging you because he is right he is judging you because making you feel shitty about yourself makes him feel better about himself.
So the answer to that last question is that your father's confidence in you has no bearing on how strong a christian or good a person you can be unless you allow it to.
Does he deserve that? That's the question you have to live with the most right now. The realization that your father does not deserve to judge you and have you feel bad about it. That he is not that good of a man or a christian, that he should be treated like someone who's opinion is irrelevant.
Now, you want to be a good person yourself? Learn how to recognize that your father is an asshole who's judgements are wrong and hurtful on purpose and learn to love him anyway. Learn to not resent him for his faults, and hope he someday learns from his problems while accepting that he probably never will.
That is true strength of character, Christian or not. If you can figure out how to care about your dad while caring about his opinion of you, you've reached a point that he will never even see, and you can look in the mirror and know that you're both stronger and kinder than your father.
Once you get there, he can't take it away from you after that.
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You definitely have a patriarchal family, which means that your dad thinks he's in charge. You are suffering from abuse, definitely the emotional and verbal kind.
Firstly, your dad is one of those Christians that believe that they are simply because they attend church. In the middle ages, church was for those who were uneducated and didn't know how to read, so they would go to church and have someone read and talk to them. Therefore it's about believing in Him and not on attendance. You shouldn't feel bad about not going to church constantly. Many people don't even go to church because there could be people like your dad IN church, and they would rather not deal with that.
As for his judging, the only one he should be worried about is being judged by GOD for his character. "For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you."
I wish I knew your age. If you and your mom wishes to not be assertive to him, as he is quite aggressive it sounds like, my best advice is to attend counseling to let all those things out in a healthy way and not bottle it up - feelings like that can be toxic. Or at least keep my words that I am typing to heart and know that you shouldn't worry about your dad, worry about what God thinks of you, and it's definitely the opposite of what your dad thinks :)
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First of all judging some one is a sin..The only judgement you should be worried about is God's. Last time I checked you are supposed to have your own relationship with God..not a relationship through your dad to God. He's just trying to keep you and everyone else in his control so he can cover up the things he's guilty about. No offense but this is why I'm not christian..its all based on making people fearful to gain control. But that's my personnel opinion.
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I have been through some of the same issues as you except the way your dad is was the way my ex-husband is. This is a bit of a passionate subject for me so I apologize if I get a bit long in answering.
Firstly let me say that there is no bad way to come to Christ. When you come to Christ, he washes you clan of your sins and makes you a new person. Those past sins that you are feeling guilt and shame about, no longer exist as far as Christ is concerned. Let that go as if you had never done those things and carry on living in Christ from here on. Other people may try to hold your past against you but as long as you know that you've been forgiven then you can just tune them out.
I'd like you to really think on this one thing, just because someone says they are a Christian, does not make them one. I can say I'm a giraffe but if I don't look like one and don't act like one then I'm not, right :)
I don't want to speak badly of your father. I don't know him but he sounds a lot like my ex-husband. A man who claims to be a Christian (often claiming to be a better Christian than others) yet constantly judges others and does not act according to his own standards is actually trying to make others look bad so he can allow himself to believe that he is not bad. Sounds strange but he feels insecure because he knows that what he does is not right but he doesn't want to admit to that so instead of cleaning up his act to make himself a better person, he puts others down so that he can feel he is above them. It's a very difficult thing to live with someone like this.
If he says that you won't go to heaven because of something you did, please don't listen to him. Only Christ can make that call, your father has no idea.
You mentioned that it's not in the Bible that you don't have to go to church, that's true but the Bible also doesn't say that you do have to go to church. What it says is that you should not forsake gathering together in His name to encourage one another (Hebrews 10:24-25) Also in Matthew 10:25 it says that where two or more are gathered in His name, he is there with them. Church is just a place that was designated to gather but is by no means the only place this can be done. As long as you have other Christian people that you get together with to encourage one another then you are doing as the Bible says so don't listen to your father condemn you about that one.
Your relationship with Christ is between the two of you and nobody else can know what he thinks or feels about you. If your father continues to put you down, tell him that you've prayed about that issue and you are confident that Christ is happy with you. Thank him for his opinion but know inside yourself that his opinion is irrelevant because Jesus loves you just as you are and there is NOTHING you could do to make him love you any less.
I could go on forever but I believe that answers your questions. Hope this helps.
Please feel free to message me if you need encouragement or just want to talk.
Blessings to you :)
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