|
he suddenly misses being single...
My husband and I have been married for almost two years. We have a one year old baby boy and another baby on the way. Last night I confronted him because he seemed distant to me... he admitted that he missed being single... he said he felt guilty for feeling that way and that he wanted to be with me because he loves his family and his son... but not in so many words did he say he loved me...
I am completely at a loss. I know there are things I could do better as a mother/ wife... but I don't know what to do to rekindle what he must've lost for me.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Congratulations on the coming of your second baby! Children are such a joy and a blessing. I doubt I have to tell you that since you already have one wonderful little boy fulfilling your days (and nights!)
Without having a history and the lack of your husband's point of view, this is difficult. However, there are a few things you said that made an immediate impression on me.
You are coming up on your second anniversary. For the first couple of years of marriage you cannot escape the title of “newlywed”. There are so many bumps and bruises involved with this time of your life. Even if you and your husband have been friends since childhood, you never really know someone until you have been married for a while. It would seem that you are beginning to reach the point in your relationship where your husband is settling into the idea of the life he now has, and perhaps is not entirely satisfied with it. This is not necessarily a profound “problem”. Often this could just mean you need to add a few extra date nights here there or something else just as simple.
Communication is one of the most important aspects of a relationship and I cannot stress this enough. Developing healthy effective communication will help you get through anything. Your comment about “confronting” him stands out to me. No one wants to feel confronted. This can cause the person with whom you are speaking to shut down completely. He may get defensive and confrontation only leads to non-productive arguments. There is a communication technique called “I feel” statements. This is where you own your feelings when discussing your problems. Consider how you are truly feeling. Not just “mad” or “angry”. A few others could be enraged, irate, desperate, lonely, feeling powerless... etc. You could then approach your husband and ask him to please sit with you for a few minutes because you would like to have a discussion with him... not “I need to talk to you...”. This could be translated as “I need to lecture you”. The need for a “discussion” gives the suggestion that he has a say. An example of how to start the conversation based on the information you gave could be:
“I feel that you have been distant lately. When you spend more time in your office than with me I feel discouraged that you may be unhappy with me or something I have done. Would you please tell me how you are feeling?”
Now, you mentioned a conversation has already taken place where he has said he misses being single. This is not so uncommon. I have been married for almost 14 years. I admit there are times I have the passing thought that if I did not have a husband or three children I would be able to go where ever I wanted and do what I wanted when I wanted to do it. That does not mean that I actually want to give up my life. I hope the same is true with your husband. Two years ago he was care free. Now he is not. You have been married for less than two years. I presume he is at least 20. Two years out of twenty is not a huge percentage of his life that he has had to adjust to these MAJOR life changing events.
The two of you developed your present life very quickly. Within a 2 to 2 ½ year time span he went from being a single man to a man with a wife and two children. That is a lot of life changes in such a short amount of time. You two did not have a chance to get to know each other as a couple before you had a child. You did not have a chance to get adjusted to being parents before another baby was added to the picture. We all adjust to life's circumstances differently. I do not mean to suggest you are feeling this way but should you be feeling that you have adjusted to your circumstances, why hasn't he? This is an unfair assessment for him. He is not you. There are different stressors in life. Some are expected, others are unexpected. Your husband expected to marry you. This is a positive stressor that was expected. Did the two of you expect or plan to have a child right away and then another immediately after the first one? Children are wonderful. But they are stressful. As much as he loves them, if they are unexpected stressors he may be feeling very overwhelmed about this. My husband loves our children but with each one of my three my husband could not sleep at night thinking about the financial ramifications of another body to care for and another mouth to feed. Men think differently than women. Women get pregnant and anticipate what to name the baby, cry when they hear the heartbeat, love to look at clothes and room designs, daydream about what their little round faces will look like, what their voices will sound like. Men wonder if their car is big enough for another child, how they will finance a second crib, car seat, health insurance to cover another set of well-child visits, vaccinations, child care if/when you go back to work, and how on earth he will ever be able to love another child as he loves his first one which seems unfair to the newest little bundle.
You feel that he has lost something for you. Does he know you feel this way? Did you tell him that you are feeling as though his feelings toward you have changed? You need to be open minded for whatever his answers may be. You cannot begin a conversation assuming the answers and then chastise him for answering differently than you had hoped. This is one of the dangers of open communication. You just never know what the other person may say. The reality is his feelings for you may very well have changed. You are not the same woman you were before you two got married. You have a few years of new life experiences under your belt. It is expected that once we have experienced new things we grow; emotionally, mentally. The hope is that his feelings for you are even deeper. You are no longer the sweet, pretty woman he fell in love with and married. You are now his beautiful wife, the mother of his own children which without you he would not have!. He is no longer “in love with you”... he would die for you.
Finally- you are pregnant. All mothers know first hand how emotional pregnancy can be. Having the above discussion with your husband can help you to determine whether what you are feeling is irrational because of fluctuating hormones, or whether you two truly need outside help. If you DO need outside help, go get it. For the love of your family, your children go get it. Do not let your family fall into the trap that 51% of all families in the United States fall into where the relationship is simply ended because your feelings have changed. There are marriage counseling facilities all over the place! They will help the two of you learn the tools that will lead to a rewarding life together. If counseling is not possible because of financial limitations there are religious institutions that offer couples counseling at a greatly reduced price, often even free with just the price of materials; $25-$30. It is worth it. Either marriage therapy or a church affiliated support group will offer you communication skills, a mediator who can help you understand your spouse's point of view, etc. You have no idea what amazing things can come out of the two of you spending time together getting to know each other better. It is confusing to try to understand this but: You don't know what you don't know until you know it... This means that unless you know what your problems are, you cannot fix them because in order to fix a problem you have to know what the problem is, where it comes from, and the tools to fix it. If you have a puddle in your living room you cannot fix it unless you know whether it came from a spilled glass of water, the ceiling above, a pipe from below, or your adorable little puppy. Once you know, you can grab the tools you need, clean up the mess, and hopefully not have the problem again. Relationships are just like this. You cannot fix what you do not know is broken and do not have the right tools for the job.
]
It is totally natural for a man to feel a sense of loss after being married for a while. You have a second baby on the way and it is all becoming very real for him. He is suddenly longing for the days when he wasn't faced with so much responsibility. Think of it as growing pains. Trust me, every man goes through it. Believe him when he says he still loves you and your family. Its probably true. Missing his old life doesn't mean he hates his new one, it just means he...misses it. That's all. He's adjusting. I think it probably took my husband about 7 years to really "grow up". We had many good times and many bad times during that period, but in the end he grew into an incredible husband and father. Give him time. He will adjust. Don't be too hurt. He loves you, or he wouldn't be there. If you attend church or another religious institution, see about couple's studies or counseling. It may feel weird at first but trust me, its the best thing you can do for your family. Your relationship is the most important thing for your kids. And you would be shocked to find out just how many other couples go through the same things as you. It helps. A lot. We do counseling even when things are good, because we know good times don't last and we want the best tools to be able to push through the bad times successfully. This will pass, I promise. In the meantime keep doing what you're doing, and sit down for a good heart to heart once in a while, not just when something is bothering you. With a young child, sometimes its easy to forget to take time to really connect with your spouse. Its important, and no, it does not always come naturally. Sometimes you just have to make the time. You will get through this!
]
This is something many husbands go through. I would also go as far as to say it is not as you say,"I know there are things I could do better as a mother/ wife..."
As a husband and father we do not transition to fatherhood as easily as our wives seem to do. It probably has a lot to do with the fact that we do not carry the child for nine months. Therefore we are in a sense thrust into fatherhood where our wives have had 9 months to prepare for motherhood. This may sound like an excuse and maybe it is.
Having gone through this myself many years ago it is how I felt. It took awhile for me to understand that my wife's priorities had to change, that the child had to come first. We could no longer just drop what we were doing and go off for a weekend of wild romance. I missed that and other things. Your not wrong and neither was my wife. It wasn't that I missed being single. I enjoyed being married; I just missed being able to do as I/we did as couple when we were single and as a married couple. I hope that makes sense.
I'm thinking this is what your husband is saying when he says; "he admitted that he missed being single... he said he felt guilty for feeling that way and that he wanted to be with me because he loves his family and his son." You are his family so when he said he loved his family he was also saying he loved you.
With nothing else to go on I will go out on a somewhat sturdy limb and say I believe your marriage is still strong. What I believe your husband is saying is he misses some of the freedom you two had as a couple and as I said I believe this is natural.
What I might suggest is you try and make more time for your husband. If you are not to far along in this pregnancy, if there is someone like one of your parents that you can leave your son with. You might want to arrange a surprise child free weekend for him some place romantic; if it is affordable.
I understand that if your a working wife, mother, homemaker that time for romance just is not there. You can be just too tired. Unfortunately your husband, we all are this way, just doesn't understand the why of this and it makes him us long for the care free times.
]
More Questions: |