about

I don't judge. I've seen a lot, and the things I haven't, I'm always open to listening to. I want to make a difference.

advice

I am 19 and have a 4 1/2 yr old daughter and my boyfriend has a 18 month old son that lives with us. I am now very pregnant with twins.

Today, after I had picked up the kids from pre-school and daycare, I went into the store to pick up some things for dinner. While I was picking up the baby and putting him in the cart, my little girl was playing by the quarter machines. A woman (probably about 30 years old) saw me and said, "Aren't you a little young to have a baby with another one on the way?" I didn't get a chance to say anything when my daughter came running over, screaming, "Mommy!!!" The woman just looked at me glared, shook her head, and left. I just wonder what people must think of me. Yes, I made some really poor choices in my life but I would like the chance to talk about it so maybe some other girls wouldn't go the same route I did. It's not uncommon for me to get crazy looks or stares when I'm out with the kids--or even just one of the kids! At least I'm taking full responsibility for my actions by raising my children the right way. It's just A LOT harder with me being so young. What would you think if you saw me in the supermarket? What would you say to me?

Thanks

I don't think that how that woman reacted is uncommon, it's just more blunt and obvious than most people are. Even so, I think it is ridiculous that people respond like this.

My family has custody of a 2 year old boy (I'm 16), and whenever I have to take him to the store or anything, everyone thinks he is my son. I get weird looks and I get very uncomfortable, even though he isn't my child.

I think it's really rude that people react like this. It's really none of their business, for one thing. Also, you're completely right. You're taking responsibility. You made some bad decisions, but you're living up to them and making the best of your situation. If you were letting your children run around and completely ignoring them and not providing them with the things they needed, that would be one thing. However, no one has the right to judge you.

I think our society is becoming used to teenage pregnancy, so the negative reactions are probably an attempt to reattach a negative connotation. Maybe with teen preganancy becoming more socially acceptable, older generations don't know how to respond with anything other than hostility? I"m not really sure.

If I saw you in the supermarket, I wouldn't really look down on you or anything like that. I probably wouldn't notice you, especially because you're 19 now. That's at least out of high school, so it's not that young, in my opinion. Assuming your kids weren't running wild, I wouldn't even really take notice, and if at all, definitely not negative. I'd probably look up to you for taking care of your children and making a "bad" situation into a good one.

I wouldn't say a thing, especially not something rude like that woman said. Really, if that happens often, you should say something calmly. It's no one else's place to say anything judgmental to you; they have no idea what your life has been like, even if they have experienced teenage pregancny -- no one has the exact same experiences throughout life.

You're obviously going to have a difficult life, but regardless of age, it will be rewarding and memorable. You're doing a good thing.

I say kudos to you for raising your kids, and congrats for the ones on the way. :]

[view]

Hello, I am dealing with a woman who is crazy!! She is my Kid's stepmom. The kids are 2 girls 9 and 11 and one boy age 8.
Problem is she is way overly sexual toward my kids verbally. And now sexually. I found out from my daughter today that the stepmom and her father went on a camping trip with their combined 7 kids all in one tent. They had loud motion filled sex in front of the kids while they were supposed to be sleeping!!! My two daughters described it all to my horror. Is this illegal? They have sex with their bedroom door open. Her rules are always open doors, because bad things happen when doors are closed. She told my daughter all animals go to hell when they die.She told them a man may rape you and rape is when they have sex with you , and are sick of raping you and kill you when they are done with you. She talks about their sex life while driving in the car. Her oldest daughter talks openly about blow jobs and oral sex on women and she is 12. They go down the road having open sex talks!!! What happened to singing or talking about the disney channel?The list goes on and on. The woman is a 2 time convicted felon for child endangering and robbery and a 3 time misdemeanor for shoplifting. Their father is now brainwashed by her and hasnt seen his kids in 2 months. I live in a nice home with a wonderful fiance and a perfect home life filled with love. I am afraid that a judge is going to make me send the kids to him eventually . I have custody, he has visitation. Any legal advice? Any pschological input on crazy?? Thanks!!

Wow, that's horrible that your kids are being subjected to that -- Especially so visually and at such an early age. While "sex talks" and things of that nature are common in some households (even mine), it's to an extent. It goes to where kids are informed, or maybe joke about it a little bit, and stops there. Not to the point where the kids are seeing sexual acts going on, and a twelve year old vividly talks about oral sex, etc. Kids this age definitely KNOW about that stuff, but being so open about it makes it easy for them to begin actually doing things, and getting away with it.

Also, some of the things she's telling your daughter seem pretty shady. She seems very morbid and pessimistic around her/your children. Is she trying to be funny, or is she seriously talking to your children like this? If it's a serious thing, yeah I'd definitely recommend legal action. Not like you can sue, but custody should be questioned. This isn't exactly a good environment for kids to be in.

I'd say to try to talk to your ex husband. You said he's been "brainwashed", but can he listen to reason at all. Let him know it's bothering you, and that if they can't tone things down, he won't be able to see the kids as easily as he can now. Give him time to see how he reacts/whether or not he talks to his wife. If things don't seem to go well, talk to whoever would be in charge of your custody, and legal issues. See what they can do for you. I'm sure they wouldn't be happy to hear about what these kids are going through at their father's house.

Also, talk to your ex about how these are still HIS kids, too. If he hasn't seen them in two months, he should step up some time soon. It's not really fair to the kids. If you feel very strongly and don't want the kids at that house, let him see his children in a public place.

XOXO
KAT.

[view]

I don't know where else to go to ask. I'm going to warn you now that this is probably going to be very long, but I would really and truly appreciate any advice, even if it's not what you think I want to hear.

First of all, I have a weird relationship/set-up with my dad. I'm going to try to simplify it as much as I possibly can.. My mom left when I was a baby and I have lived with my grandmother ever since. My dad has almost always been a part of my life. He's a great guy, he's my best friend, he makes me laugh more than anyone I know, he does things that a dad is supposed to do. The thing is, his presence is my life is very coming and going. Once, I didn't hear from him for a year.

He reappeared when I was fourteen. I just turned eighteen and he has been around for about four years. He's still married to the same woman he was when he left. I love her very much. She's generous and sweet, but sometimes I feel like she is forcing herself to like me. We go places together (without my dad) like the movies, the hair salon, etc. She takes me to work with her. Everything like that.

I see both of them every day. They're probably both my closest friends, and not by default. I love seeing them. I want to stress how close of a relationship I have with them.

The thing is, I'm not really open with anybody about my feelings. I usually bottle them up and then cry about them later, and then I get over it. So I have a hard time telling my stepmom when I feel like she doesn't really love me, and an even harder time telling my dad that I worry he's going to leave me again.

Next month, they're going to London without me. It's not an intimate trip, believe me. My stepmom is going for her job and she wants my dad to go with her. My dad and I share of a love of anything British. The three of us do things together all the time. I don't understand why I wasn't invited. It's not a money issue, either.

I don't want to sound bratty or selfish, so I really hope that I don't. I can't help it that my feelings are hurt. Not only am I being excluded from something that I really, really, REALLY want to do, I'm also going to miss them if they leave me behind for a week. But I'm afraid to talk with them about it.

Please give me any advice, any at all. Thank you so much if you actually took the time to read this, I know it was probably really boring.

First: It's fantastic that you've got such a close relationship with these people in your life. If you fear the woman your Dad is with is forcing herself to like you, just try not to worry so much. If she takes you places with her and seems to enjoy being around you at all, it's all fine. It's good that you guys all get along so well. Don't stress over something good.

If you really feel like your stepmom dosen't like you, you need to try your hardest to open up and talk to her about it. I'm sure it's nothing, but just ask her if she thinks you're bothering her or she has any problems. It will come off as very innocent, and I'm sure it'll end well. She'll probably end up reassuring you that she does in fact like you, and has no problems. If you're really nervous, just try asking her if you could talk to her alone some time, so she'll actually ask you about what's going on and you won't back out.

Have an intimate girl's day, actually. Watch movies and stuff and just ask her what you're curious about. Deep talks don't always mean gushing your feelings out, so it's fine -- Don't worry! She won't get mad at you or anything if you're concerned about her feelings. It'll be fine.

And if you're scared of your Dad leaving again, just try to talk to him about it, too. Like talking to your stepmom, try to get him alone. Tell him you're really glad he's around. See how he responds. If he seems odd about it at all, just ask him if he plans on sticking around. I'm sure that if you just let him know how much him being around really means to you, he'll think twice before deciding to go away. Once again, if you're nervous about it -- Write it out in a card and give it to him, or something along those lines. That, or talk to your stepmom. Now that she's around, he's got something else to keep him in the area.

It really sucks that they didn't say anything about you going with them, especially if they know how much you'd enjoy London. However, remember that you said it was for your stepmom's job. I'm sure she'll be very busy on this business trip, and she'd just like your Dad's company there. While you guys do tons of things together, maybe they'd like some time alone? Even if it's for business, I'm sure there would be some down time for your Dad and stepmom to spend together, alone. It could be a nice little vacation-type thing for them.

Just remember, you're also eighteen. Some families stop taking the children on trips around that age, so that could also be it -- Not a personal thing.

But once again, if it's REALLY bothering you, try to talk to them about it. Don't instantly whine about it or anything, of course. Just mention how you'll miss them, and maybe look a little upset over it. Hopefully they'll catch the hint. If not, go along those lines -- They'll catch on eventually, and explain why you can't go.

I'd just recommend that you start talking to these two very important people in your life a little more. It's difficult, but it's worth it, I promise you. Instead of keeping your feelings in, talking makes you feel 432894032x better, and you'll have a MUCH closer relationship, even closer than you are now.

Don't be afraid to talk to them -- They love you very much, and I'm sure they'd be happy to listen!

XOXO
KAT.

[view]

Okay, I've been reading a book on the Wiccan religon and have been thinking of converting to it. However, my mom is very Catholic and thinks that Wicca is evil. I don't know how to tell her I want to be wiccan without her getting mad at me. What should I do?

13/f

If you're really serious about this, try to talk to your priest. See what he has to say about all of this. Maybe next time you have confessional or something, or after church? This will show your Mom you're serious, and will help you in seeing what the actual church has to say. Maybe if things go well, your Mom will be more understanding.

If that's not the case, I'd also recommend to make the conversion first. It's very likely that your Mom will flip out, and think you're going through an immoral phase or something like that. Stick to what you believe, though! Be strong, and don't let her compromise who you are. Let her know about the religion, and do your homework. Get lots of research, study up, and explain it all to your Mother. It will prove, once again, that you're very serious about this.

It's going to be difficult, but if you stick to your guns, it'll work out with time.

XOXO
KAT.

[view]

For some reason, I can't cry at funerals because I just don't cry that often.

But I was wondering if this was bad or heartless? Because once my cousin got mad at me because I wasn't crying at her dad's funeral and it makes me feel awful that I can't cry during these times.

Are there any other ways to display emotion, if not in tear-form?

First, I'm sorry for your cousin's loss. However, it's not your fault if you can't cry at the drop of a hat or anything. She was probably upset at the circumstances already, and the fact that you weren't showing the same emotion probably seemed very strange/cold to her. She probably just didn't understand that you don't cry much.

Some people don't cry over ANYTHING. It's a fairly natural thing, and it's just as normal as people who cry too much, really. Just know that it's not your fault. It's just the way you are. It's not 'bad' or 'heartless' at all. It's not like you felt GOOD about the funeral or anything.

If you'd still like to display your emotion, just be very solemn. If you have to, keep your head down, and look discoraged if need be. However, you don't HAVE to make yourself look completely depressed. If something bad is going on, try to take care of the people around you. Since you seem to be a very strong person, talk to others about how they're feeling, and see if there's anything you can do to help.

Also, say how you're feeling. It's not as common anymore, but there's nothing at all wrong with it. Most people would prefer someone to say how they're feeling than to have to figure it out through their display of emotions.

You're fine the way you are, so don't worry!

XOXO
KAT.

[view]

My cousin's grandpa just died. :(

I'm really close to my cousin, but I don't really know what to do or say to her cause I've never really had someone close to me die.

I was wondering what I should do?

I don't want to seem like a heartless person and I don't want to say the wrong thing and make her feel bad...

All advice is appreciated.

Thanks

Aw, I'm really sorry about what happened, and I'm glad you'd like to reach out to someone like this. I'm sure your cousin will appreciate anything you have to say at this point; It's definitely the thought that counts!

While "He's in a better place" is so cliche, it usually helps to hear. Just try to talk about the good memories your cousin had with her grandfather. This will help on reminiscing, rather than focusing on the actual death. Ask her what she'll remember about him. Little things like what he smelled like, and funny things he said. Maybe it'll make her cry, but sometimes it's good to let it out, and it's one of the best things you can do in a situation like this (just a warning for you).

Just make sure she knows that she can come to you if she needs to talk about absolutely anything. Let her know, flat out that you're there for her. The fact that you're concerned will definitely show!

XOXO
KAT.

[view]

ok i know this may sound weird but whatever i need help.

ok so about a week ago me and my mom were outside on the patio talking. (she makes me call her by her first name) so i said Sunshineheart (yes thats her name) you couldnt be a vegiterian. and she goes your right but i could be a chickenterian. and i was like huh? now me and my mom are very normal and open to each other but i didnt understand. dude i was so nervous about asking her what a chickenterian was! you have no idea how nervous i was! like i was sweating and almost in tears!

so what do i do?

Awesome name, hah. And it sounds like your Mom is saying you can eat a ton of chicken, but not really have to bother with red meats, etc.
And don't feel nervous to ask a question! I'm sure your Mom would be fine with it, especially on something regarding you diet! (:

XOXO
KAT.


*I meant diet as in lifestyle of eating.., and I didn't say TO ask her, I said don't feel nervous to ask her.. It was only attempted reassurance.

[view]

So my parents may be getting a divorce. they act like theyre fine when me and my sis are around but when we walk away they fight and scream and everything and my mom wants to kick my dad out of the house, etc.

So i was wondering, how does one parent get custody bc i really want to be with my mom bc im like afraid of my dad and is there any way i can choose? thanks

I'm really sorry about your parents, first of all.
Depending on your age, you'd be able to choose in most states. Assuming you're over 11 or 14 (depending on what state you're in, like I said) you'd be able to choose which parent you stay with. You'd just have to talk to the judge in a most likely private setting, and tell them which you'd rather stay with, and why.
If that's not how it works out for you, you'd probably just have to sit down with your parents and talk it out with them (if you're younger than the cutoff age, for example).
If they can't decide on a parent to get dominant custody of, the court will look at which parent is more financially fit to take care of you (along with probably a background check, and a talk with you and any siblings).
There's also custody on the weekends, etc., so it's not like you'd never see the other parent..

Best of luck!!

XOXO
KAT

[view]

My family can be really critical, but what they think will always matter to me, as well as my friends. So i just need some opinions from everyone.

Im on track to become a Nurse. but im about three years away from being totally done with it.. I really want to start a family.. i want to be able to have enough energy to have fun with my family. I love kids, i work with kids, but im worried that people might think im too young still. My family atleast tends to think that 35 is the perfect age to have children. So..

My question is: what is the RIGHT age for people to start a family? (assume they would be married)


Thank you so much. sorry if its in the wrong category

No one can really say what the 'right' age is for someone to start a family. They may see thirty-five as the right age, while people in older times saw fourteen and fifteen as a suitable age to have children/get married.
It's only an opinion, but thirty-five may even be a little late, depending on when you'd be going through menopause, etc.
Only you can really determine when you're ready and willing to have children. Your family will probably support you in your decisions you make, and if not, well, they should.
What I'd reccomend is finishing up your schooling, and finding a job in becoming a Nurse. Once you've got a stable job, that's when I'd reccomend trying to have children.
But, like I said, it's all up to you! If you think you'd be able to handle a baby at the point you're at now, feel free! Just make sure you think you'll be able to handle everything that comes along with a family.

Good luck (:

XOXO
KAT.

[view]

ok so lateley my attitude been changing and i dont know why!!!im 15 in 9th grade if that helps!its like every time i get into an argument with my mom/sis/and teachers i pretend like im not listening to them!i look at the ceiling and walls and mess with my nails...pretty much do everyting but look at the person in there face wich is really rude but its almost like i cant help but to do it!!!i think i do it to make the person think im not listening but i really am!i think its just to make them mad but i really want to stop doin that!its really rude and disrespectful but i keep doing it and i dont know why!!!can someone please like explain why im doin this or like how i can stop doin this?!?!?! thanx!!!!!

I'm pretty sure it's mostly an age thing. Now that you're getting older, it seems like people should handle things in a more reasonable way than yelling at us--I understand that much. So I guess in our mindset, sometimes ignoring them seems like we're almost winning or being really defiant.
While the defiance is true, you're right, it does just come off as rude and disrespectful.
To stop doing it, when you're in an arguement with someone (be wary as to what sets you off--you could get an angry kind of reputation) realize that if you ignored them, nothing would be solved, and that would make things worse. Start at not playing with your nails, and maybe just try looking down. That way you won't have to look them in the face, and it looks a little more like you feel guilty, rather than have an attitude.
If you can do that (you'll have to work at it, but it'll work after a while), try to resort to looking the person in the face, and letting them speak thier part. This will prevent yelling, and they'll all see how mature you can handle something. This will actually even prevent future fights, and make it so people talk TO you, not yell AT you. It'll be worth it.

XOXO
KAT.

[view]

why are my siblings so mean to me when i do nothing to them?

I'd agree with the last person, as well as the following:

Siblings naturally usually fight. While the extent to what the fighting is depends on the family, most failies have their share of fighting. I think the thing that allows us to fight with our siblings as opposed to friends though, is that we can't really LEAVE them. We'll usually forgive our siblings basically because we're stuck with them.
Don't you hate when your parents say they're all you'll have when you get over? It's kind of true, in a way.
Just try to understand that they'll probably grow out of it, and that ya'll should all really love each other..


XOXO
KAT.

[view]

my step mom broke up and moved out of our house about 8 months ago. The split was really sad and rough for everyone in my family, but especially her. We didn't get along great when she lived with us, but now i try to see her every few weeks and we get along well. The thing is, she has lost A LOT of weight. She used to be average, but maybe a little chubby but she went on the south beach diet and stuff. I'm pretty skinny for someone my age (15) and she is skinnier than me! I'm really worried. When I'm around her she eats plenty, like icecream and fries and stuff, but why would she be so much skinnier than she was before the divorce? I don't see how she could be anorexic or anything, cuz she's like 50, but i don't know what to do. I feel really awkward talking to her about it, cuz i'm like the kid, it should be the other way around and it's not my responsibility to be the parent. But still, what should i do???

hey
don't immediately resort to thinking she's doing this on purpose or anything, she may be very depressed/stressed from the split, and massive stress can make you lose weight.
if you feel awkward about it, write her a note syaing you're worried, as much as you two didn't get along much before, and want to know if she's okay..

let me know how it works out! and i hope she's alright!!

xoxo
kat

[view]

<<< Previous Advice Column
Next Advice Column >>>
eXTReMe Tracker