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We are Mike and Morgan. We are college students, both 20 years old, who have been in a successful relationship for 6 1/2 years. Get two honest and experienced perspectives on your questions about relationships, sex, family, friends, college, and other issues facing young adults. We also specialize in guinea pigs!
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Location: Detroit Michigan
Occupation: Students
Age: 20
Member Since: September 17, 2006
Answers: 12
Last Update: September 19, 2006
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this is mainly to teenage mums.
im 17 years old and me and my boyfriend both really want a baby. i am attending a 2 year college course and have decided if we do conseve i will home study. not a problem.
me and my boyfriend are very happy and it looks like we will b 2gether 4 a very long time.
it all started when we had the little scare that i could be pregnant. we thought about it and spoke about it and we both decided we want one. weve figured out everything we will do, wont do and which needs to be done. so we thought it though alot.
so i ask those teen mums what it is like to have a child and how old you was when you had you first. even though i do understand it will be hard but im willing to put in all the effort needed.
any advise would be great.
thanks
xXxXxXx
From Morgan:
Although I am not a teenage mother, I know many teen moms who would advise you strongly to rethink your desire to have a child. Most teen mothers, although they love their children, would give anything to have their youth back and have that child again later when they had had the chance to experience life on their own, grow emotionally, get an education, have a stable job, and more life experience in general. Most teen mothers work hard to keep their own daughters from ending up in the same situation. Here is a quote I found on a teen pregnancy website:
"I absolutely hate hearing everyone talk about that great party on the weekend or how they are going out of town over spring break. It seems that I am missing out on my childhood years. Where my daughter grows up and asks me what I did when I was a teen, all I will be able to say is 'I changed your diapers and prepared you formula.' I really wish I could go back and do things differently. I am sick of the constant worrying about how we are ever going to live once we move out of my mother's house.
- 16 year-old mother
In my opinion, why make your life so much harder now when you can have a child later and have it be a much more positive experience for you and your baby? Also keep in mind the social stigma; yes it might be unfair, but society generally looks down upon teen mothers and life is much, much more difficult for teen mothers.
Keep in mind, the decision to have a child is one of the few decisions you can't take back. You are making (at least) an 18 year commitment when you haven't even been around on this planet for 18 years yet! In addition, you have barely had time to enjoy your relationship with your boyfriend as a couple, rather than as a couple with children; this can often destroy relationships. Dealing with a child and how it is raised adds a whole new dimension to a relationship that can only be handled properly when the relationship to begin with is rock solid -- this takes many years to gain.
Then there's the money. Personally I have a hard enough time paying my rent and bills, managing credit card debt, and still having a few dollars left over after all that -- I can't imagine how difficult it must be when adding to that all the expenses of a small child. Did you know that only 1.5% of teen mothers earn their college degree? Don't risk your future child's financial security. Why not wait until you and your boyfriend have secure careers so that you will be able to support the baby without any trouble, provide health insurance, start a college fund, go on vacations, and let your child participate in activities they are interested in? This will not likely be possible if you have the child now.
If you and your boyfriend will truly stay together for a long time, then there is no harm in waiting. In fact, the longer you wait, the happier your future child will be -- you will have gained steady careers, a strong financial support system, possibly your own home, health insurance, and the life experience that is necessary to decide what is best way to raise a child. That is the best thing you can give your child. It's important to make sure you are the best person you can be before you decide to bring another person into this world. That means completing your education, obtaining life experience, and growing emotionally.
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How do I go about asking my bf if he is bisexual? I've seen a lot of signs that he could be and I am curious to know. It wouldn't change anything between us and I think it could strengthen our relationship especially since I am bisexual. He was picked on A LOT when he was younger for being gay (which he definitely isn't). I really don't want to hurt his feelings. If I ask him if he is bisexual he'll probably get really worked up and defensive. He's a very emotionally run person. When I ask him questions he's embarassed about he avoids them for as long as possible. When he finally answers he goes ballistic. I don't want him to feel like I'm accusing him of anything or that I believe that he is bisexual. I really have no idea if he is or not. I am going to have to ask at some point if he doesn't tell me and I want it to go as smoothly as possible. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
20/f, 21/m
It's not your question to ask. He may be trying to figure out the answer to that question right now as well - not everyone is as self-aware about their sexuality as others. It's up to him when he'll decide to share that information with his friends and loved ones. Even if he is bisexual, he still loves you, and that's what's important at this point.
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My boyfriend and i have been living together for 8 months now.We decided to do this so that we could help each other through school and with other neccesities.I his girlfriend finished college first and already got a job,he is yet to finish,we have kept our living together a secret as we do not want our parents to find out that we are living together before marriage.We plan to formalise our marriage when he finishes college and gets a job.The only fear we both have is for me to get pregnant and we have tried to abstain or use condoms any time we wanna make love.Do you think we are doing the wrong thing?
FROM MIKE AND MORGAN:
You are both adults, and your parents have to now accept that you can form your own opinions, beliefs, and values. You are clearly a responsible person -- you've completed your degree and you are waiting until your boyfriend also does so before getting married, which is a very wise decision.
I think the only thing you've done wrong is to deceive your family -- this makes you appear irresponsible. As an adult you also have to learn to stand up for your own beliefs, even if that means disappointing your parents.
Unless you have a history of abuse from your parents and fear a violent response, you should come clean and let them know you have been living together and plan to marry. This is the responsible and honest thing to do. Hopefully they will be proud of you for your accomplishments, but chances are they might be upset that you have gone against their wishes.
Just let them know that you feel you are making the right choice -- you are in a loving and secure relationship that will lead to marriage, but don't necessarily hold the same viewpoints as them regarding living together before getting married, and you hope they can support you in that decision even if it's not what they would have chosen for you. After all, as an adult you have to learn to make adult decisions and sometimes make adult mistakes.
As far as preventing pregnancy, keep being responsible. Visit your doctor or local clinic and use hormonal birth control if possible in conjunction with condoms -- this is nearly a surefire way to prevent pregnancy. You should both also be routinely tested for STDs to prevent any other problems.
Good luck!
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My fiancee and I plan to marry early 2007.He says he does not want to wear his wedding ring and will remove it immediately after marriage.This has really affected me and I feel like he does not love me enought if he cannot wear my ring.I want to convinve him so that he does not removethe ring without hurting his feelings.
From Mike and Morgan:
Has he told you WHY he doesn't want to wear his ring? Some men simply feel uncomfortable wearing jewelry or don't like the style of a traditional gold wedding band. If this is the case, perhaps he isn't aware of the stylish and unique options available today for men's wedding rings -- it isn't just plain gold bands anymore! Or perhaps you can make a compromise and use another piece of jewelry to symbolize your marriage that he is more comfortable with. Maybe you can select an engraved chain necklace, a simple earring, a nice watch, or he can wear the ring around his neck on a chain. Or maybe a tattoo is more his style!
But if he has other reasons than not wanting to wear jewelry, have you had other problems in your relationship besides this? If this has really been the only problem, I would not take it too seriously. All you can do is let him know that it's important to you that he wears his wedding ring and it would mean a lot to you if he could wear it for you -- after all, a relationship is about compromise and sacrifice, and maybe you can work out a solution. But if your relationship is otherwise strong, you don't necessarily need a ring to symbolize that bond.
But if you have had other serious relationship issues, this might just be one more warning sign to a rocky road ahead. Are there trust issues or infidelity in his past? Has he shown apprehension about the idea of getting married or a reluctance to make a commitment? If so, this might just be another way for him to show you he isn't ready to get married. Couples counseling would be a good option for you to work out these problems.
Best of luck to you!
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