Carolena's advice column | Carolena's Advice About Love Life

askCarolena

advice column ask question view feedback favorite columnist advicenators

Q: Everything I have ever learned in life as I was growing up I threw out the window the moment I moved out. This included going out, drinking, and having sex. I had promised myself to keep my virginity until I was married but I couldn't accomplish that, I ended up losing my virginity to a guy who is in a committed relationship with another girl... and I can't (don't want to) stay away from him. You can tell me what I'm doing is wrong, and karma is going to bite me I KNOW THIS. but there is something else about him that keeps pulling me back for more. My question is how reliable are condoms really? and which birth control method do you use/recommend?

thank you..

If you continue to have sex the best method of birth control is the oral contraceptive (pills) AND a condom.

Let me explain. No method of protection is 100% effective when you are sexual active. Using both methods helps not only protect against pregnancy but also some STDs.

You already know that he is having sex with at least one other woman. You have no idea if he is having sex with more than one other. She may be having sex with someone else too. It is very important to protect yourself from STDs as well as pregnancies.

If you are going to continue to have sex with him, then it is best if you separate what your family believes from what you believe. Guilt is not helping you here. Neither is feeling bad about your choices.

There is a good possibility of you getting emotional hurt in this situation. So while you may make the choice to continue to see him examine why. See what you are getting out of it emotionally, intellectually and sexually. Learn from this so when/if this relationship ends you can walk away with more than just regret and pain.

"him that keeps pulling me back for more"

You keep going back for more. It is your choice also.

Good luck and I hope you get what you need.

Q: 18/f

me & my boyfriend of 5 months had an argument a few days ago. it's our second since we have been together. i had been getting quite moody with him recently for no reason, so i brought it up. i said i wondered if it would be best if we ended our relationship because it wasnt fair on him. he begged me to stay with him. i said i would think on it and decide the next day. the day later he said he now thought that we should break up.

at first i thought he was testing me, because i had said it to him. but he went all the way and we broke up. i asked why and he said because he didnt want me to have doubts about our relationship. i explained i didnt have doubts about the way i felt, and that i loved him etc.

any way i asked to meet up, he agreed, and said he wont tell anyone about the break up until we have met up. but he said he doubts anything will change his mind. we spoke for hours, and i was really honest about everything and he said the only thing stopping us getting back together is he doesnt want to get more hurt if i decide in 2 months time to doubt the relationship again, i asked him to give it a try and if he had faith in me he would.

we left on a good-ish note. it got late, so we went home seperately. he said he is going to come and speak to me later in the week if i want. i agreed, but said it was pointless if it wasnt going to change anything. he still said he didnt think anything would change, but a lot of things i said make sense and he said "i could wake up tomorrow and feel differently about it all"

the next day, i log onto facebook and he is listed as single. it seems like hes already made up his mind?!?! i sent him a message saying i dont know if i want to wait until late this week for a decision, because i feel like i'm still going to get hurt from it, am i going to? and he said i told you i just dont know

sorry this is so long, but what can i do now?? i do really love him

After 5 months and only two arguments you were ready to break up with him but changed your mind. Yes he is going to wonder about going out with you, especially if you have been moody

Men want the woman they love and care about to be happy with them. You haven't been. No one wants to be dumped. You were ready to dump him. Men and women want to feel it's safe to disagree and have their own opinion. The fact that the "almost" dumping came after an argument makes things worse.

So now he's gun shy. ok. Wait. The truth is that love hurts. It takes brave people to love. He waited for your response, give him the same respect. Let him know that you care for him, love him, have the intention of working it out and will give him X amount of time to decide. In the mean time avoid facebook. It will only drive you crazy. Do things that make you happy. Happy is attractive.

On a side note Give some thought to why you have been moody. If there is something that needs to change in your life this extra alone time may be the perfect time to handle that.

Q: I don't know what to do with him! I found out from my bff that my bf made a facebook group thing about our relationshp. I went and red a few things on it and it is personal and nothing anybody should know but us so I told him I knew he had a secret he was keeping from me but not what it was so he would tell me or something but he didn't. i kinda thought that he posted stuff and didn't think it was bad and I wanted to give him chances to say so but he just said he didnt have no secrets so i went back to read the rest and he had made it private only so now it is hidden from me.

I guess what I am asking is if he didn't think this was wrong why did he hide it when i found out? He still denies everything and now i got no proof because i cant see it anymore!!! i have been crying about this and i feel betrayed like he has a secret life on facebook or something! should i stay with him if he isn't going to be honest and still hides things?

Sorry if this is too long!

It's one thing for him to have a secret group page on facebook. After all BF's don't have to share every aspect of their lives. It's quite another for him to be sharing private information about your relationship to a group of people without you knowing or consenting. By private information I assume you mean something more intimate than what you ate together.

The issue here is that he shared it. Lied about it and tried to hide it. At any point he could of deleted the group instead of making it private.

Physical evidence is only important for a third party verdict. You already know what you saw. What else do you need? He knows what he did, he can deny it but it doesn't change the facts.

Be straight forward. "Look I saw the group. I don't like you sharing private information about our relationship. Please take it down" If he denies it or refuses to take it down you have a decision to make. Can you enjoy this relationship knowing that anything you may do or say is being shared for the entertainment of others? Knowing that his relationship with the people on facebook takes priority to you and your comfort?

If he is that disrespectful it's time to cut your losses. Find someone who keeps your private life private and knows how to be upfront when they mess up.

Q: so i met this guy and he used to text me alott and then we hung out once and hooked up then we hung out a second time and hooked up again then after he kept texting me and now its been like almost a week and he still hasn't texted me:( i was the one that texted him last and he just randomly stopped texting me but i was actually starting to really like him the more i was getting to know him and now it doesn't seem like he's interested:/ i don't really want to text him again cause i don't want to seem pushy and i don't want to get turned down. i'll see him at work in a couple days. what should i do? like tests to see if he's still into me or somethingg.

First what seems like forever for a woman or girl is not that long for a guy. Almost a week is a sign that he doesn't have a driving desire to text you.

There could be a few reasons for this.

If you "hookup" or make out each time you meet then the relationship becomes about making out. If he is not interested in hooking up or on the "hookup" high = no drive. If he is hooking up with someone else = no drive.

He will text you again when he feels like hooking up.

If you want to be more to him. Then start having other kind of fun with him

Don't text him and do you own thing. Ironically when women are busy with their own life men find them. (they like the independent passion)

Q: 21/f.
I recently started dating a new guy. Everything is great and all, but he talks about his ex girlfriend a lot. They broke up 7 months ago, and she dumped him via sms then went out with a new guy 2 days later. I ask him why he talks about her and he says he is just venting, because he thought what she did was cruel and heartless.
They were only together like 3 months, but she was his "first" (if you get me) He tells me that he is totally in love with me, he was only "love struck" by her and that I'm much better than her and he hates her now. Whenever I get mad at him mentioning her he stops but it always comes up again.

I don't get why he is still mentioning her. I was with a guy for 2 years and that ended badly too (abuse) but I almost never bring him up. Why is he still going on about this girl? I don't think he still likes her but I don't know why he is still bringing her up even after all this time.

Thanks, and sorry for the ramble!

Venting is a normal human reaction BUT (behold the underlining truth) 3 months is a long time to vent. While she may have done something cruel and heartless to him. That is no reason for him to be cruel and heartless to you.

Every time he vents he re-lives the pain of his past relationship and unfortunately makes you watch. She was cruel to him over 7mths ago. He has been cruel to himself ever since. Why give her so much power? Makes you wonder if he still has feeling for her? The answer is yes, even if it isn't love. He has feelings of pain, anger and resentment. That has no place in your relationship with him. Explain to him that you after that you don't want her hurting him or you anymore.

Let him know that it is healthier for him and your relationship if he lets this pain go. Tell him he gets one long, epic rant. He can curse, shout, complain and even whine about her. You will be there to hear him, love him, comfort him and be understanding. But that is it. In the future it's just you and him. His ex and feelings about his ex are in the past. Let them stay there.

Exception: if he needs to use her or any other ex as a example to improve his relationship with you. eg. I don't like it when you...because X use to.... (it's difficult to explain feelings and former examples help, ex's do sometimes come up in new relationships - it should be very limited)