Wife, mother, loyal friend to the end, model, classic car collector. almost 30 years old, and seen alot in my few years here on earth. People usually come to me for advice, and i give in return grounded, realistic answers.
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Dragonflymagic
adviceman49
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My boyfriend has had trust issues with me. He believes I violated him multiple times with the same issue, which I have, in a way, with another guy. You see, I'm in a little local band within my community and one of the members and I were close friends. I went through some problems with the "boyfriend" I have now and the other guy was just trying to be a good friend to get me through it. He eventually started to develop feelings for me. I told him I didn't like him like that or would ever see myself with him. At first he was upset. (He wasn't too fond of my boyfriend, though we're all in the same group together) But he eventually got over it and told me he'll be there when he needs me. My boyfriend was furious that I even let the other guy into my life to try to turn my mind away from him. We had lots of issues, my boyfriend and I, and he was being really neglectful. He left the state for months to get away from me at the start of our relationship, when I thought things were getting better. When he came back permanently, I welcomed him back with open arms but he told me that I had to give up talking to the other guy completely. Tell me if it makes sense that for someone who I have to see all the time, I should stop talking to him completely? For someone who's done nothing but be there for me, I had to stop talking to him. His only mistake he ever made was falling for me. And he knew it. But my boyfriends hatred for him never went away. I did speak to the other guy on occasion behind my boyfriends back, because I knew I was doing something wrong but neglecting him. My boyfriend doesn't see it that way. He threatened to leave every time he found out we've been talking. Some drama happened within the band lately and it was sparked by me unintentionally (lesson learned) and I carried some news to the other guy. My boyfriend learned of it and hates me now, says I never stopped talking. Thing is, he said he doesn't love me anymore but doesn't want me to leave him. Says I have to try to gain his love again but he doesn't expect it will happen. He curses and me, calls me names, taunts me, tells him I'm worse than dirt but he doesn't want me to leave him. My boyfriend isn't perfect, he has a LOT of faults in himself, many which have been pointed out by other people that I've seen for myself and yet I still love him. Even with him being nasty and rude to me, I still love him. I know you will say I shouldn't stand for it but I want him to love and trust me again. It will take time. Am I wrong for still having faith? He will make me suffer for it but I think I deserve it. I left the band and so did he and others for drama reasons. I don't know what to do. I hate myself so much for what I did and my bf has even supported my hatred in myself. What do I do? (link)
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Ok you have some reflecting and looking inward to do here.
ask your self, how long can you put up with him treating you like that just to gain his love back which (as he said himself) may not even work? a week, a month? a few years?? thats a long time isnt it??
How much do you value yourself and your own happiness?? because its GOING to get taken from you if you stay with him i can almost assure you of this because he wants you to stay so that i can control you, and isolate you from others around you. Trying to make you no longer talk to people that you dont deem as a threat to you isnt "his feelings being hurt" its called him trying to use love as a leverage to get you to do what he wants. You sound smart and like you already know the answer here, you just dont want to admit it to yourself which can be hard i know.
You shouldnt hate yourself for still wanting to talk to a band member, you need to tell him right off the top that YOU will make the call on who you choose to talk to and who you dont. its YOUR life not his, and he has not right to rule your social life in ANY aspect.
HE IS however allowed to let you KNOW how he feels about someone, and you can then reply back that you will "consider his view on this person" but unless this person crosses a personal boundary with YOU and your body then YOU will make that call and if he cant handle that then he can walk.
Trust me on this, this kinda shit always starts with him just wanting for you to not talk to one or two people and then grows exponentially over time and ALWAYSSSS uses things he knows will hurt you against you. you need to be strong and confident and law down the law with this fool, or else this kinda thing will just get worse and he will box you in and box you in until you find yourself without friends and lonely because of him.
many people think that they can make their partner their WHOLE happiness and that could not be further from the truth. If you do that, youll always be let down because we're all human, we have flaws, and because we are "afraid of being alone in life" we "settle" for whoever will toss a little "love" our way (and i use the term love LOOSELY here because it sounds like he doesnt really love you at ALL) and like hes more in this for the sake of having control over another person.
ask yourself WHO THE heck wants you to do what they say in order to appease them but makes no promise that they will love you again?? what kind of a person DOES shit like that??
im sorry for the harsh words but ive seen way too many of my friends go through this exact same situation before and i really do feel for you here. you HAVE to get yourself out now because if you dont, he will make you feel so down on yourself that youll think your not worth more and you ARE! you deserve to be happy and make your own choices! life is too short for BS like this, and im sure you dont want to go from having one parent who told you want to do as a kid to ANOTHER as an adult.
something to chew on. good luck ; )
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