Wife, mother, loyal friend to the end, model, classic car collector. almost 30 years old, and seen alot in my few years here on earth. People usually come to me for advice, and i give in return grounded, realistic answers.
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Dragonflymagic
adviceman49
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My boyfriend and I have been on and off but lately things have been well for us and I couldn't be ever more thankful that we have stopped arguing and tried to get to some common ground. Although, deep down, I can feel another fight coming, though I definitely don't want it to happen. The last time we talked to each other about our feelings and confronted each other on our problems, he told me something that just resonated and wouldn't leave my mind. When we first started becoming serious, and even when I was for sure serious about him, I remember that there was time where on social media, he would try to follow almost every girl he knew and would constantly like their pictures. I knew through people telling me and things I saw for myself. All of that hurt deep down knowing he was telling me one thing but was trying to get attention from other girls. Today, he doesn't really do it but I remember from our night's discussion that he told me whenever he was with his ex, he would think about being with other girls physically. He told me this because he was trying to say that he never feels that way with me. Of course after he mentioned it, I remember those times we were talking when I saw that same behavior from him. Now, I guess we are more serious but my question is, why does it bother me so much? I do trust him now but I'm scared if things go bad, what if he turns back to this behavior. It would hurt so much.
It also bothers me that he's had about 5 girlfriends in the past and he told me about some of the hookups he had too. I know its not a competition but I've had only one boyfriend in the past so... I don't know, it makes me a little insecure. How do I get over this? (link)
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i have a few ideas for this. If you really want things to work things out with him and you want to try to train him a little to THINK before he speaks try some tactics here ok. (((i promote these ONLY for the best of use, NOT for evil)))
number one: WHATEVER HE SAYS TO YOU EVEN IF ITS FULL ON ANGRY AND HES SCREAMING AT YOU STAY CALM, stay totally poker faced and do NOT allow him to stir emotion in you that comes back at him in a mean way. just dont say ANYTHING back at all and just stare, this will allow him to think about the things he just said to you, and give him a chance to take back what he said a few minutes later.
(example here) say you had an argument while sitting in your living room, he lashes out at you and yells and screams and then walks off into a bedroom or even out of the house.
you:say nothing, keep calm, because youll do nothing here but feed the fire and he will only feed off your anger. you can shake your head silently infront of him in "disappointment" and if he says anything to you about that just say "nothing im just disappointed that all...."
allow him to digest this even if it means him leaving the room or the house for a while. do not call or follow him, LET him leave if he wants. when hes as angry as you say he gets then it sounds like he needs space to deal with his emotions. He sounds like he thinks with his emotions and not with his brain. People like this are erratic and can be irrational people, often times being hard to deal with because their ideals about the world or you as a partner are not based in reality and the only person that will suffer from this is you while in a relationship with someone like that.
when you can really sit with him and talk to him, it might be a good idea to talk to him about people who live their lives by their emotions and how its honestly not healthy for them or the people around them.
secondly, he does NOT need to be telling you all about his past "hookups", as a man this shows that he has low self esteem and needs to make himself appear as large as those beautiful peacocks at the zoo flaunting themselves to all the females that might be in the area. He might have the idea that (and again heres where emotional thinking instead of rational thinking comes into play here) that he needs to be admired and seen as an experienced male, when in fact all it does for most people is make him appear "dirty" sexually, and cannot commit or find a relationship that works (because how many females does a guy have to go through before he finds "the one"??) its not that hard to make yourself compatible with another person thats open and willing to love you back if they have it in their heart to do so.
theres a basic foundation for a long lasting GOOD relationship (at least in my eyes) and its love, respect, honesty, faithfulness, and communication.
Theres not much room for overly emotional, irrational thinkers and if your boyfriend is one of those and it sounds like by what your describing he is then he might need to get some counseling to work through whatever it is that leaves him so "touchy" and easily angered.
Try asking him when you feel like another fight is on the horizon what hes thinking about, if hes ok, or trying to ask him whats on his mind. These questions will allow you to gauge where he is emotionally and mentally so that you can go forward with him socially from that point on. youll know where hes feeling snappy and pissy, or calm and chill and youll have a better handle on how to deal with him.
also a "ok i just thought i would ask you seem a little stressed out so i was trying to just check on you and see if you wanted to take about it" is always a good angle because you come off as "concerned" and like your trying to put your best foot forward but HES the one that is giving you a hard time. see? its perfect.
; )
just remember no matter what he does staying calm, cool and collected will be your winning ticket when he gets angry, and the fewer words the better. If he is totally unapologetic then its time to move on when he says certain things you "dont appreciate hearing"
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Rating: 4
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I do appreciate everything you mentioned and I will try to use those tactics next time a fight is about to occur. As for the sexual history, I asked him those questions. Why? I dont know. Like I mentioned before, I know its not a competition but for me, just knowing what someone else has been through in the past makes me feel more comfortable with them now. To me, it makes me feel as if they were less of a stranger. So yes, I did ask and I didnt mean for it to come off as if hes telling me to get me jealous. Thanks again!
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