Wife, mother, loyal friend to the end, model, classic car collector. almost 30 years old, and seen alot in my few years here on earth. People usually come to me for advice, and i give in return grounded, realistic answers.
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Member Since: January 18, 2005
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Dragonflymagic
adviceman49
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I have a dilema.Its bugging me.Pricking at my gut and wont leave me alone.I have been pursuing this guy for a very very long time.We will be moving in together soon.We are in a long distance relationship.During our time,we never said we were boyfriend and girlfriend,but we have been flirty and the whole bit. I was on his Instagram,and found a photo of him kissing another woman,who was at the time his girlfriend.Even on Facebook,it is listed and posted that he was in a relationship with her. This lasted from May 2013-January 2014. He and I talked so much during that time.Never once did he tell me about her.He took time to post on social media about his relationship,but never to me.They photos of them kissing,having fun,the whole bit.Its as if I never even existed.Obviously,Im deeply hurt. Im hurt because he already knew I loved him,he already knew I cared and had feelings,and yet still he went to be with her. Why didnt he tell me?
Why was I left out in the cold?
Why did he lie?
Should I mention this now? Or should mention it when I finally get there to see him.
I have know about this for 3 months,and it bothers me at my gut every single day
Am I wrong because I felt this?
Was he right or wrong?
Just because we didnt make a full commitment to one another,we did confess we had feelings for each other and liked eachother.
Please,my gut is punching at me. (link)
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I can understand the way you might be feeling. maybe somewhat cheated?? could that be a good term? For, he may not have purposely LIED, but at the same time you were having a long distance relationship and you both have personal "needs" (i think you might know what i mean here) that need to met. AKA some sort of personal close attention that only someone who is actually THERE with you can fill.
On the other hand, maybe what you viewed in the pictures to HIM might not have been that serious, since like the previous poster said, you never set down boundaries. Its kind of unfair to try to pin him with purposely not telling you about her or vis versa. You have no idea what he was thinking at the time and he cant read your mind. This is why long distance/online relationships can fail alot of the time. Not only are boundaries NOT set, but hes having fun without you as well.
Maybe the relationship was already "over" to him and he hadnt told everyone else yet and deal with it. AKA explaining to people WHY him and this other girl broke it off, explaining to family, or explaining to HER that it was over if there WAS something between them.
Whatever the case if your going to be moving in together you DEFINITELY need to confront this and sit him down and talk about this. i would say over the phone and NOT online. Things can be misunderstood and that is NOT the place to really get a read on someone elses feelings.
Try not to be on the defensive when doing this, just ask as though you you NOTICED that on his timeline hes kissing another girl whilst during this time being evolved with you. then LET HIM EXPLAIN, listen to him, HEAR what he has to say about it, and most of all stay calm. If someone feels your attacking them it usually wont end well and they will close themselves off from you.
Look (or listen over the phone) for him WANTING to explain and reassure you about the whole situation to make you feel better and if he sounds like he doesnt care that you noticed and doesnt think its "that big of a deal" some key statements will show you his true colors on this, and on his boundaries about other women in general.
This will give you grounds to take some time to think about what you really want with him and then go from there. he should be willing to answer any questions you have about her as well as his questions about your past. Its apart of getting to know each other, and theres no reason for anyone to put up walls or get defensive.
good luck ; )
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