Wife, mother, loyal friend to the end, model, classic car collector. almost 30 years old, and seen alot in my few years here on earth. People usually come to me for advice, and i give in return grounded, realistic answers.
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adviceman49
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So, im 22 female. my parents have been together for 30 years. Back when i was 15, I always caught my dad on porn sites or using a webcam.. too young to realize. when i was 18, i realized how much he was always leaving the house at night (my mom works nights) and the nights my mom didnt work he would be home. He would come home those nights acting weird, i knew something was up. I found him in a chat site, and in his search history a lot of searches for escorts, prostitutes, sex sites, etc like craigslist. It bothered me, knowing he was doing something behind my moms back and I knew, and disgusted me he was spending money on it. I tried to let my mom see the evidence by calling her nights he was out late when she was at work saying why isnt he home? Why does he have a webcam. The situation really bothered me knowing that I had this information that would break our family apart.
Anyways, I decided to completely forget about it as i moved to college, and hoped that he would change on his own or my mom would figure it out.
Here I am, almost 23, living at home finishing up my last year of college. When I went to his computer to print something off, I found a phone that isnt his primary phone, it was a prepaid phone. On it was texts to prostitutes named "trantran", and a guy with his full name listed, address, and sexual messages of plans of meeting up, what my dad wanted, what the other person wanted, when and where they would meet, and him saying he was on the way. There was about 3 visits to different people in a week... this obviously is a multiple times a week thing.
So, my dad is hooking up with "trans" and a guy, and i researched this guy based on his name and address he gave, and he is a !!!junior in highschool!!! This is something I cannot and will not forget, nor ignore.
To top it all off, I found this out 2 days ago, and 3 days ago my mom found out she might have breast cancer. So, here I am. Understanding my dad is rather gay, a sex addict, but do know hes cheating religiously on my mom and I am the only one who knows.
I can't tell my brother, him and my dad work together in their own business, and i dont want that stress to be put on my brother.
I told my boyfriend, he's helping as much as he can.
So what if I tell my mom, one, she is about to find out if she has cancer. Two, I feel like this decision, although I know this is not my fault, but this decision to tell her is heartbreaking because I am responsible for all the pain and stress she is about to go through. My whole family will fall apart, my grandparents aunts uncles and family friends will all be so mad etc. My dad will hate me for basically having all this information against him (I know that its his fault, yes, but still, i will have zero relationship after this). Who knows if he will hurt himself, run away, do something horrible.
What if I dont tell my mom. I feel guilty as hell knowing that she is being treated this way, having to lie to her, having so much anger to keep this horrible secret in because of him, but then again only I feel the pain of the situation if I dont tell. And my family goes on as is. Plus, my mom is supporting my family and my dad, as he is in debt from opening his store, yet he is spending money on sex..
What if I say something to my dad, how will he react, does he need help bc hes a sex addict or will he be embarrased bc maybe he is gay? Will he continue his ways, will he laugh in my face, will he hurt himself, will he run away, will he kill himself, will he really try and get help?
This situation is not my fault, but the outcome of this situation at this current moment is riding heavily in my hands.. i make the decision what to do, who to tell, what to say.. And i really just need help. No one, no one wants to find out their dad is this type of person, it RIPS me apart knowing he is cheating, lying, spending money on this, having sex with a high school student, knowing he must be sooo messed up in his head, must have such deep serious problems, be so wrapped up in this that he does it multiple times a week, comes home, lives a double life.
It tears me apart to know my mother, someone so sweet, caring, and giving, doesn't know, she doesn't deserve this, she will be CRUSHED, they have an upcoming vacation together. What if my dad gets caught by the police, what if my dad goes to jail, what if my dad is so emotionally messed up he has no idea what to do and feels alone, what if hes got so many problems he just ends up hurting himself. How do I sort these emotions out in my head, how do i make a decision, how do i deal with all of this..
any advice is helpful. (link)
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I say try to be as strong as you can here, and confront him in a gentle way. Say "hey id like to sit down with you and talk". Maybe tell him that you know "whats been going on" and try to leave out details but give him enough to let him know that you are aware of his indiscretions, his other prepaid phone, and his "online activity". I would come from a non-judgmental place, and that you WANT to offer support if he feels that he has a problem that he'd like to get some help with if thats the case. Keep a straight poker face so that he feels that you are not bringing your own emotions into the situation here. ((undivided, serious, straight face, with lots of eye contact will usually do the trick here when confronting someone to show that your completely serious and that you want answers)) and most of all stay calm, outbursts of any kind will NOT make anything better. This is about him and HIS problem, not YOU and your emotions. He will need to see that youve removed yourself from the situation a bit and your just here to A: get the truth, and B: see if he wants help, so that this doesnt have to get out of control anymore then it already is.
Ask him in he plans on coming clean to your mother and most of all ask him if HE thinks, he needs help. Wait, see what his reaction is to all of this while your sitting there, and really listen to what hes trying to say to you (sometimes it will be "coded" in such a way that you wont be sure what to think of his answers) because you ARE still after all his child he will see you as such and you will need to make sure that you know how to show him that you are able to step back and "look at the bigger picture here" and ask him to do the same with you while your sitting there talking.
offer to help him get help, and you will come off to him as if you were the first to step up and offer a supportive loving hand when he was in a vulnerable spot. aka with his hand in the cookie jar if you know what i mean.
I have experience in this area, before my mother died i confronted my uncle and my grandfather about my mothers molestation accusations as only a teenager, and no they both have the most respect for me because i came to them when no one else would and talked about something that was taboo.
The important thing here is to give the person the benefit of a doubt and firstly assume that they are "suffering" and are ill mentally. Because anger and judgement will automatically make them shut down and close you all out and things could spiral out of control and WILL most likely end badly.
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Rating: 5
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Thank you for your ideas. A good thing about me is I always believe people act they way they act for a reason. So I do believe he has some deep darkness in his life he needs help with. I plan to go to counseling and prepare for this event. If my mom has cancer, which I find out today, I will have to hold off.
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