My names Amanda im 17 years old! I live in a real small town--bracey,va. i live in an even smaller neighborhood type thing so its just me and my friends. Im single but im basically in LOVE with one of my best friends, yeahh that sucks. Ive been through it all..bad relationships, asshole boyfriends, backstabbing best friends you've been friends with all your life, alotttt of stuff. I can't exactly explain me in a paragraph but i can promise if you ask me anything i will do everything i can get give you the answer or the best advice that im capable of.
E-mail: mandyyx33@hotmail.com
Gender: Female
Location: Virginia
Occupation: student
Age: 15
AIM: mandyyx33
Member Since: August 9, 2004
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Last Update: August 8, 2013
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Oh dear here it goes. When i was younger my Dad tried to commit suicide (when i was in the room) I had to call an ambulance and he was in hospital for 6 months after that but i wasnt allowed to see him. Since then he has been an alcoholic. My two half-brothers used to inappropriately touch me when i was younger. In a way in which they could pretend they didnt. Just a bit of background history for ya there.
I have recently recovered from alcoholism. One of my many attempts to numb lifes many attrocities. I managed to recover after realising that it had connections with my Dad. I miss him all the time and i dont see him that often. Im ok now though, ive made some attempts to repair my relationship with my dad which fills one of the voids alcohol used to. I can even drink occasionally now without going over board. I have previously tried LSD but i came to my senses when i had a bad trip. I tried green but i got way to fixated on it and quit. I used to self-harm. But then i met a guy who made me quit. I love him, i think. I think about how i loved my brothers and i love my dad and then it makes me wonder what the fuck love is. I mean seriously what the hell does love mean. It seems to jsut mean letting people hurt you.
I was in a relationship years ago. The guy made me sleep with him when i told him i didnt want to because i wasnt ready. He made me try heroin despite my refusal. He hit me all the time. No one ever noticed.
I had this relationship. The guy i mentioned who made me quit cutting my self. Lets call him Tom. We were together for a year and a half. But when he turned 18 he changed. He got very drunk on his birthday and called me fat and he hated me and told me i deserved everything i got. He broke up with me. I was heart broken. I tried calling him after his birthday. I kept telling my self how drunk he was. No answer. So i tried to get over it. Until one day he rang me. He told me he didnt rememeber anything but his friends told him i was pathetic and got all moody because he was drunk. So he was scared to call me afraid that i was upset. I finally forgave him, i mean, it wasnt his fault was it? But then he told me he didnt think he wanted to be with me. I think we were both going through a lot and we both needed a break. I was trying to understand a lot of my past. Self-help and that. And he got kicked out of college and was scared of going out and getting a job, not wanting to grow up. I tried to be sympathetic but i couldnt help feel he was being pathetic. We broke up.
3 months later, were friends. Im feeling a lot better about things now. But nothings ever good enough. People at school seem to think im a whore. Im really not at all. I have tried to hard to improve myself. As far as im concerned, ive ony had sex Tom. Thats not 100% true but you can understand. I no longer smoke or take drugs or cut my self. But its just not good enough. Nothings ever good enough.
I used to think i love Tom. But does that mean he can walk all over me like every other guy in my life always has? If so, its better to end things now. Because, when you love someone, you let them hurt you dont you. When they treat you bad it hurts you more than if you didnt care. Im so used to having this thick outer shell. How do i let me be me and love someone without turning into a pathetic self-sympathising mess with no backbone?
Never asked for help before. but, please
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Sorry to say but the sayin goes "a drunken mind speaks a sober heart" so everything he said he could have meant, just like when you argue with someone they tell you to pay attention because thats when the truth comes out.Like the person below me said you need to get therapy and talk to someone who can help you through this. You will never have a successful relationship not until you can accept yourself and realize that you are so much better then what you make yourself out to be. NEVER let a guy walkover you, because he see's that he can do it once he'll keep doing it because he knows you'll never do anything about it and that will only lead to an abusive relationship, physically and mentally and it was also cause big heartache. Get rid of the guy and get a therapist, start a new outlook on your life, its not too late! Inbox is open if you ever need anything!
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