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Q: Hi, I really love your advice. :) That's why I'm directing this to you.
i'm 17/f. my boyfriend and his ex girlfriend were together a year. during this time he and i were good friends so he'd always talk to me about her, and stuff. and he'd tell me about their sexual experiences (she was very into sex) he really cared about her at the time. in his msn profile he still has "love you amy" i didn't care at the time because we were good friends.
well, that was 9 months ago, and now we're together and i really like him, but the fact i know so much about his experiences with this other girl really upsets me. i know it's not good to dwell on the past, but i can't help thinking about it all. they're still friends which doesn't help the situation either. he says hes over her, but i'm not sure if he is. i guess the fact he lost his virginity to her bothers me too. i just feel she'll always be more to him than i will ever be. i guess it's a weird jealousy thing. i don't even know her since she lives in a different state.
why do i feel like this? i just can't be happy and relax for some reason, even though its totally irrational. Can you give me some advice on what i should do? Thank you. :o)
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Firstly, thank you very much, I appreciate the compliments, I'm very glad to help you with your question.
I do understand why you feel very distant from your boyfriend given the fact that he always told you about him and his Ex-girlfriend's sexual details, which I believe that he shouldn't have. Sex is a very personal subject and it should be kept between him and that other girl.
The truth is that if you start feeling like he may not be completely over this girl, then you both won't be able to work things out. When people get out of relationships, they tend to feel really vulnerable and try jumping in a relationship with someone else to relieve the feelings that they had in the past with that other person. These feelings can still happen even if he was the one who ended it.
If he stills talks about her a lot, then that is a big sign that he's not over her. You should watch out for if you find him talking about her a lot about anything.
About your feelings of discomfort: There's no way to minimize the feelings except to keep remembering that it's all in the past. I know you may have wanted him to be a virgin with you or just a virgin because you wanted to share your first time with him, but a lot of people have sex early because they are very sure in their mind's that they will be with this person forever. I'm sure if he knew he was going to end up with you he would have saved himself. My point is that he would probably rewrite the past for you if he could, but unfortunatly it doesn't work that easily.
You feel like this mostly because he told you just about everything him and his ex did so it's hard to think about because now you are the girlfriend. It's hard to just relax for you because you know everything and nobody wants to know that. What really matters is that he shouldn't have told you anything that happened between him and this girl no matter what. Good friends or not. What happens between him and that girl should have stayed quiet until they ended. And if he were going to tell you what happened between them, he should have just said that they had sex and that should have been the end of it.
If you really want to work through this and you feel that he does to, the best thing that you can have in a relationship is communication. Tell him that you feel bothered by all of what happened in the past so that way if you feel like slowing down, he will understand. There is nothing wrong with slowing down in a relationship. It may take a really long time of being romantic together for you to be convinced that what you have with him is real to him and it's more than ok to take your time. I actually suggest that you wait until these feelings come down. Don't rush in to have sex with him until you truly feel that you really mean something to him or it won't be enjoyable for you.
Don't kick yourself for these feelings either. These feelings that you are having can't be anymore normal than they are at this point. These feelings need to be felt and dealt with. So take things slower and let him now what's going on. If you have anymore questions please feel free to write back, I really hope that this helped and if not let me know if there's anything I can help you out with better.
-TheTeenGirl
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Thank you so much. Your advice was so well thought out, and really helped me put it all into perspective. I'm going to try not to worry so much about it anymore, because it's not like I can change it anyway. You're right he shouldn't have told me in the first place. Anyway, keep up the great work on this site. :)
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bio
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My name is Erin and I am now 18 years old. You may realize through out looking at my column, some of you love me and some of you flat out hate me. There's really no gray area with me I guess you can say.
I haven't given advice here in so long and it's only because I got caught up in life. But I'm more mature than I ever thought I could be.
So anyway I'm here again. It's been a long time, but I still love giving advice and still plan on it in the future.
Everyone should feel free to Private Message me for advice, I can be harsh, but I'm always trying to help someone by giving them the truth they need.
About My Ratings:
I enjoy ratings. And if I ask a question on here, I always rate the person. If you work hard to give advice, you deserve to be rated.
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Info
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Website: Gender: Female Age: 17 Member Since: January 18, 2005 Answers: 1364 Last Update: December 8, 2007 Visitors: 82399
Main Categories:
Favorite Columnists
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