I aim to give you solid advice on your problems. I don't sugarcoat things and I'm always straight up. Don't come asking for what you want to hear as I always give the truth even if you don't want it because it's what you need and the only way to grow.
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Last Update: August 30, 2022
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Both my brother and I just fought with my mother today and yesterday, and literally right now as I'm typing this, she got into her car and stormed off after fighting with my dad. I know because my dad stormed into our rooms and started blaming us for fighting with her and making her mad. I don't really care how I come across by saying this; I honestly don't give a crap that she got mad and stormed off. She's always been very quick to anger, and is verbally and emotionally abusive to both me and my brother, although less so towards my brother. She calls us things like psychotic, needing to go to the hospital, mentally ill, says there's something wrong with us, things like that. Yesterday, we got into a disagreement. We were talking about something that I was doing, and when I gave my idea about it, both my parents were very derisive and condescending about my idea, so I got defensive, and admittedly, didn't exactly handle the situation that well, but my mom completely flew off the rails. She started screaming at me about my attitude, telling me that no one else would put up with me ever, only her and my dad, and whenever I tried to say something, she screamed at me to shut up, and got literally in my face, like inches away, screaming. She told me to go to my room, and wouldn't even let me wash my hands in the bathroom (I was doing the dishes so my hands were covered in dirty water). She followed me into the bathroom, still screaming at me to shut up and go to my room. My dad had to literally pull her away from me for me to even be able to leave the bathroom. Today, my brother (he's 10, by the way), got annoyed about a very small thing at dinner, and was being a bit dramatic about it, but my mom, again, overreacted a ton. She told him he had problems (she said this in Chinese, so it doesn't translate exactly, but it was implying that he had mental problems) and he kind of mocked her under his breath, repeating what she said, you know? She got super mad and asked him to repeat what he said, and when he wouldn't, she told him to go in timeout. He kept demanding why (bad move, he should have just listened, I know), and she just kept screaming at him and physically dragged him out of his chair and up the stairs. After dinner, I could hear my dad telling my brother that just because my mother says something doesn't mean it's okay for him to do the same thing. They had a small argument I think. Then afterwards, my dad argued with my mom, telling her that she's the adult and is supposed to be more mature and stuff, I didn't hear all of their argument. I heard my mom say that she had enough of this and wasn't going to put up with this, and apparently she left and drove off. My dad came up to our rooms, and you know, started blaming us, asking us if we're proud of ourselves for making our mom mad. How do I deal with this? Honestly, I'm not sure there is a solution, and please don't tell me she needs therapy, I'm aware, but that's totally out of the question because my parents and all my relatives are very set in the mindset that you should respect all adults above all and that adults are always right, parents can do no wrong because they are your parents. I'm not comfortable sharing this with any school counselors and I'm not super close to a lot of adults. I'm not even sure why I'm asking this question, I guess I just needed a place to rant. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, though. (link)
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I will be blunt and you already know this that your mother is mentally ill and doesn't realize it and looks to be projecting what she knows about her own self onto her children. You're smart because you know that none of this is true about you or your brother and that your father is just as helpless in the situation as you are. But are you though? I know you aren't.
She needs help and it's going to be uncomfortable and difficult to get her. People with mental illness that is severe never are able to see that they are in fact ill and not right about everything until treated by a psychiatrist and following through.
Your family has to get her there and that's really not easy. I think the best thing to do is to let the shit hit the fan on this and tell, tell and tell again any adult around you including school counselors exactly what you told us and hold none of it back. They will know what resources they can give you and how to handle this situation and restore health to her and stop the hellish nightmare you are in.
Keeping this inside and not telling people can affect you and your brother's mental well being and frankly physical safety. It's a secret you don't keep to yourself. One of the things you can do is bring in people she knows as well and trusts and have them insist that there is something way off here and that she needs help and has to get it.
If you do find yourself in a volatile situation with her walk away and get out of the house and take your brother with you. It's a shitty situation that is coming to a head and seems to be a constant because it needs and there is no other way to come to a head and deal with the ugliness of it first and the healing of her and the family over time.
There may be a culture of adults always being right but not when it comes to mental health issues. psychiatrists, counselors and social workers are extremely adept at handling the cultural issues surrounding mental health and know how to work around it and get people help they need. Ask for it, peruse it and get it out there as it will only get progressively worse if you don't and that is of great concern.
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28/f
My sister called me a couple of weeks ago, grieving over our dad. She told me she feels like it was her fault that my dad died and that his health had rapidly declined (he passed away five months ago). I told her that she couldn't blame herself and that she did the best she could with what she knew and how she felt at that moment (she didn't have the greatest relationship with him and held a lot of resentment).
Even though I comforted her, I low-key blame her, too. Of course I didn't say anything because she doesn't deserve to feel worse than she already does and I wanted her to find her peace with him before he passed. But I blame her as well because all of this started two years ago while I was in Italy. My sister had sent me messages that there was something wrong with our dad. That he was acting strange, how he supposedly driven his car and hit the neighbors fence and the cops had advised her to take my dad to the hospital. I advised her to do the same thing, and because I wasn't in the country, she needed to do it. And every time I thought she took him, she would message me a day later and it was something else--he started playing the piano off-tune at 4 in the morning, or he wasn't responding when she spoke to him. It took her A WEEK to get him help... Turns out that the breaking point was that my dad had collapsed on the floor after peeing himself and my mom found out that he had a fever.
When he got sent to the hospital, he was diagnosed with the flu & pneumonia. It had affected his brain to the point where he was temporarily disabled and had to go to rehab. And during rehab, he got a stroke, because of the stroke, it affected his ability to speak. Later was then diagnosed with Alzheimer's and that the flu & pneumonia was the trigger to the immediate decline in his health.
What made me more upset is that I had a conversation with my sister a month ago and she admitted me to that during that time, she felt like my dad deserved it. That he deserved to be in that kind of pain and that's why her help was delayed.
Don't get me wrong, my dad wasn't the best dad. But he wasn't the worst either. My sister has resentment towards him because he retired when I was seven, having my mom be the breadwinner of the family, and my sister felt like he wasn't doing anything and was just lazy. That's it. There was no other reason. And as upsetting as that can be, I feel like that is not a reason to give him a death sentence.
Plus she wasn't around when he was doing other things, like maintaining the house, cooking for us, etc. He was like the stay-at-home-dad. So, I am also quite angry that I lost the parent closest to me, my number one cheerleader, and my number one person, because my sister felt like he deserved it. (link)
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Your sister acted wrong toward him and one day she will regret it profoundly. Whatever resentment she had towards him or bug in her head that doesn't have any ounce of truth in it about him is hers to deal with alone on her own time. She's said all of this to get a rise out of you and others.
If she really feels that way towards him and about his condition than she's pretty messed up mentally. As much as her antics piss you off and make you sad you have to let go of any anger towards him or to her and let it go or it will consume you and make you ill.
Anger over losing a parent or someone extremely close to you is a natural feeling. Allow yourself to feel that and sadness etc and accept that it's normal and let it all out. No two people grieve the same way or process profound loss the same way. Find someone you can talk to about it such as a therapist and about your sister's behaviour.
If you want to get your point across about her immaturity and awful view and treatment towards your father cut off contact for awhile so she gets that you find what she did unforgivable. That may force her to do some serious work on herself. You can't let her drag you down though.
You should tell her what you feel about giving him a death sentence and then freeze her out for a bit until she figures some things out. Bad father or someone who did her wrong doesn't mean she should act this way. There's something more to this as her behaviour points to something being way off mentally because someone wouldn't do what she did and crow about it to others especially her sister.
You need to let it go and not get dragged into being angry at her or resenting her because it's only going to drag you down and make you feel shitty because I think she's saying it on purpose because you had a model relationship with him that she couldn't. There is envy there and resentment towards him driving her behaviour. Like I said, she's not been in a good mental place for some time if saying and doing this with him. She will have to atone for it on her own time and not yours. Have peace in the fact you always loved your father and that he knows it.
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40m, roommate is 56, he is recently divorced. I'm an introvert and he's an extrovert. I pretty much wanna be alone 95% of the time, if not more. He's the kind of guy that will talk to strangers like nothing. When we met, I was high all the time and drinking more often than not. Under those circumstances, I become more social. But when I'm sober, I like to keep to myself. He was under the impression that I was always that high/drunk guy he met. We used to pretty much only hang out at those times. Now that we're roommates, he's expressed his dissatisfaction with me being in my room all the time. I mostly quit drinking and smoking, and he tries to get me to drink so we can hang out more. He'll go as far as to say that I'm avoiding him. If I keep to myself for more than a few days. Which granted, I do avoid him sometimes. He can be draining. He'll still drink and want to hang out but I really don't. mostly. It gets annoying cause he comes into my room (which I hate) just to tell me whatever dumb shit and it really annoys me. On top of that, he's also super sensitive and takes everything personally and makes all kinds of assumptions. I'm starting to feel like I need to change myself just to appease him. He's a grown ass man, he should act differently, but NOPE! I've never had a roommate give me shit for doing my own thing. He needs a friend, but I just don't wanna be that friend that's always hanging out. He doesn't have much to offer in terms of conversation either. We get along for the most part, but sometimes I guess he just cant stand being alone and becomes needy and annoying. He's also buzzed every single day, so he has that need to socialize, which I don't. I get it, but unless I'm also drinking, I'm not very social. He'll knock on my door and I'll say "yeah?" and to him, I guess that means "come right in". Which it does not. one time I locked my door and he got all butthurt about it. I told him that "yeah" does not mean "come in" and he says "to me it does". If he actually asks if he can come in and I say "not right now, whats up?" He'll take it personally and storm off all grumbling and mumbling. Instead of just saying whatever it was he was gonna tell me. Most of the time its dumb and I just don't really care. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells with this guy. If he creates drama, my tendency is to just get away from him and stay away. Its not so bad that I want to leave, but its just annoying, I feel like he wants us to be best buds and I'm like "meh, I just wanna be alone dude." I'd like to suggest he get more friends, but I'm sure he won't take that well. He'd probably just end up going to bars and getting covid. Which is worse. Any advice? And by the way, I can't rate unless I register, so thanks in advance. (link)
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If you want to remain sober and avoid drugs and alcohol the worst thing you can do is associate or live with someone who is a drinker and always wanting you to do that and hang out. The bottom line is that you are incompatible on every level and shouldn't be living together or it will be like this for however long you do. If this person irritates you to no end and you can't get along or away from them it's time to move on.
Talk to him about your differences because he's not going to get it otherwise. You're only getting dragged down and feeling miserable and I highly doubt it will change.
If he's buzzed all the time and annoying it's time to move on because it can affect your health and your own sobriety to be around someone like him 24/7. People should have more respect than he does for you. Time to part ways.
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28/f
32/m
Has anyone ever expected you to “be fine” after your loss?
I feel like my boyfriend expects me to be that way. For example, I lost my job because of Covid, my dad passed away, then I moved out and was nomading for a bit, lived with my toxic mom sleeping on an air mattress for another month, found out that my dog is 75% blind and is dying of old age, and moved into a new place again just three weeks ago. All of this happened within a six month period.
My boyfriend was there for me for all of these things. As a matter of fact he came into my life three months before I lost my job. So he came into my life at a very strange time. And now that I’m just now starting to get back on my feet and started my new job two weeks ago, I had a meltdown because I started grieving about my dad.
He then told me that he felt like we’re not compatible because of our “personalities” and that he “was patient and understanding because he knew I was going through a lot and was having a hard time, but it feels like it’s still continuing.” He told me he lost his best friend and was fine after a few months and I told him it’s different you lose the parent closest to you.
How do I even respond to this? (link)
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Is his name on your lease? If not you should send him packing. You are going to continue feeling miserable with someone like him in your life now and in the future. Anyone who tells you or gives you the vibe that you should get over the recent loss of a parent is just so ignorant and doesn't understand the reality if he's comparing it to losing his friend. He won't know what you are feeling until he experiences it himself.
It appears what has happened here is that you were/are very vulnerable and let the wrong person into your life at the wrong time. This happens to a lot of people men and women both. You likely had your guard down more than usual.
You're very smart and have figured out that you are incompatible and have a much nicer personality than he does. I think unless you let him go you'll forever be miserable with him because he's dragging you down even further.
You have the absolute right to feel the way you do and grieve and even have a meltdown over the trauma of losing a parent and the crappy stuff that has come since. This is natural and he sure as hell doesn't get it or respect you. Grief is a process and takes a lot of time to heal something so raw and so new. Take that time for yourself and find someone you can talk to about it--a therapist because it will really, really help you to let it all out and be supported.
The guy is all wrong for you and I think the only response is to ask him to leave. If he's not supporting you now he sure won't in the future. This is a preview for a bad movie before the main event. It's only going to get worse with him. You deserve a lot better and free of a jerk like that.
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For context, I am a sixteen year old girl in high school. I’ve kissed a boy before, but never more than a peck. Just recently, my boyfriend and I made out for the first time. Now I know people will say that it tends to be awkward and all, but it was more than that. I feel like there was no chemistry there and there was no pleasure. It was a weird sensation because I had built up this idea in my head of a perfect romantic kiss and this was nothing like I had pictured. I feel bad saying it, but I was disappointed. It’s hard to describe because there was no buildup and no feeling attached to it.
My questions are as follows: is it normal to not feel anything at all when kissing someone? does the person you’re with truly effect how it feels? how can I fix this and should I talk to him about it or not?
I would like to thank you in advance for your time and I appreciate the help. (link)
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I wouldn't say that it's a chemistry issue. Obviously you have chemistry and like or love one another and that's not the problem. I think the issue is that you put too much pressure on yourself and built up in your mind this fantasy of exactly how it should be and were disappointed when it didn't add up.
The problem I think has to do with inexperience and never having done anything other than a peck on the lips before. You can't expect to have proper technique or a sense of chemistry and lack any awkwardness if this was your first attempt at something you never tried before.
I wouldn't give up on him or this. I think you need to learn to communicate what it is you're looking for in terms of pleasure or sparks and work on technique and get it to the point you both are comfortable.
Fear and nerves can get in the way of anything. I think all of the build up led to a first time bad experience that you both can work on and fix because you have the chemistry part down but not any experience with what you were doing.
It's a lot like riding a bike without training wheels for the first time. You're going to take out a lot of shrubs until you get things down pat. You can't expect to run before walking even here.
There's a lot of info on the Internet about techniques and how to navigate. You might want to do a Google search and see what you come up with.I wouldn't give up on your relationship with this person just yet. Start communicating and be honest with him that the first time did nothing for you and that you have to work together to find what feels right for each of you.
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How did you learn you had a mental illness?
(link)
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It depends on the person and the situation. There is no blueprint. Let's take depression for example. We may have some idea of what that looks and feels like but for each person it hits differently and is diagnosed differently. An individual's diagnosis is always different and based on factors that solely exist with them if that makes sense. No two people have the same experience being diagnosed or same set of factors that led to the illness either.
Statistically with the more complicated disorders such as bipolar, schizophrenia, personality disorders etc etc. it's a case of being brought to the hospital by family, police or those around you who believe you are in crisis. You're then put on. 72 hour hold fo evaluation and may spend quite some time (months) getting better in a hospital setting.
Mental illness is nothing like it's portrayed in media and on TV. Most people have their first experience with it while in crisis and don't think that there is anything wrong because the illness has convinced them that there isn't.
A lot of disorders build towards crisis slowly and people don't always see the signs until having been brought in to a hospital in crisis. It often is the first meeting they'll ever experience with a psychiatrist or in a mental health ward.
The short answer to your question is that everyone is different and learns of a problem like this in ways that are unique to them and it's not a cookie cutter scenario with everything unfolding the same way. Hopefully, this answers your question that every person with a mental health issue has a set of circumstances that are their own.
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How did you guys talk to your parents about spending the night at your boyfriends house or telling them you are going to and that they can't stop you because you are an adult? Because this week i wanna be straight forward and tell my parents what I'm going to do. Without me having to ask them. Cause im 20 and im an adult. And they treat me like im a child but yet they want me to be an adult. I come from a Hispanic household and i know that be a big no. But i rather be honest with them then lying behind their backs and lying to them that im going to my friends house but really at my boyfriend house. So please give me advice on how i can talk to them about it.
Please don't judge. I just want advice. (link)
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Lying to your parents about your whereabouts is never a good thing or to be in the habit of or even doing once. It breaks the trust they have with you regardless of age. You may be an adult now but there is that layer of respect for them and they of you that shouldn't be broken.
It's hard sometimes for parents to let their kids go. They might think that you are with the wrong person or that you shouldn't spend time with a boyfriend overnight. They might be against it because they might feel you shouldn't be intimate with someone yet. That's the immediate thing they would object on. They may have worries about you being sexually active or something along those lines for objecting to you staying at his place.
You are an adult at 20 and can make adult decisions. I think you hit the nail on the head that the only thing you need to do is be honest with them and tell them where you are going and that you will be spending the night there. They might not like that and you can't control anyone's reaction but at least you are being honest and that's what counts.
I don't know much about how being Hispanic would influence their thinking and position on this to be honest and how it would be a no no. I think all you can do is let them know the truth and let the chips fall where they may. You are 20-years-old and ultimately as an adult it's your decision what you do but also try to take into account why they may have an objection and talk with them as an adult would about how they feel and how you think it's your decision and no big deal. Put everything into proper context and let them know you are level headed and wont rush into anything etc and that it's just a situation of hanging out or whatever and not what they may think. That's all you can do. Just be honest like you mentioned above.
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hey! my bestfriend is hanging out with new friends and i m happy for her because she s happy but i don t really want her to get in a bad entourage and after it to regret it. we don t really go out very much like we used to do and her bf don t even won t to let her go in some place without him, we still get along and talk everyday and i really trust and care for her but she often make me feel sad and pressured.it is my fault? am i being too possesive? (link)
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The situation is new to her and she wants to get to know these people and get along with them so the whole novelty of having something or someone new is there and will wear off. She's not ditching you for them but is rather trying to establish what her relationship with each of them is and therefore is spending more time with them. In the end I know she will continue to include you and them in your group. If she truly is your best friend she won't leave you out. It may feel like that now but I have a strong feeling that this is all that is going on.
I wouldn't feel sad but don't have an example of how you think she's pressuring you. I don't feel you are at fault nor being possessive but rather haven't thought of the fact that these people are new to her and she's trying to establish a relationship with each of them and see where she fits in and is doing it by investing more time. She will certainly involve you in future. It's hard not to feel left out.
You can always point out to her that you really like that she's doing well getting to become friends with your friends but that you feel a little left out and want to be included as much as you used to be. Odds are she has no idea you feel this way but getting your feelings across to her may change everything for you and make her take note that you want to be a part of things everyone is doing as much as she does. It will resolve itself. Just be patient and let your feelings out.
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why is your eldest sister feels like shes the alpha in the family? (link)
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You really didn't give examples but I think your issue is with perception that she's trying to be the alpha and top you or be better than you etc when in fact she isn't. I think you are taking what you squabble about too personally and seriously. People who are closely related and the same age will fight and get over it.
If you do feel bullied or made to feel small all the time address this with your parents and have them deal with how you are feeling because they can correct the behaviour and keep both of you in line.
My mother was the youngest and tiniest of 8 siblings and they used to wail on her and they would have fights where hair was even ripped out but you should see how loving and close they are as adults. What I'm trying to say is that people mature and will grow out of this but need adults to correct it. She likely isn't trying to be top dog but her behaviour is making you perceive her as such.
I wouldn't take too seriously what she's saying and doing because there likely isn't genuine malice behind it. Squabbling will happen between siblings but when it comes down to it as long as there is genuine love at times when it counts you'll realize where her true feelings really are. This all seems par for the course though with siblings. It will iron itself out as you grow and mature but yes, do have your parents know about how you feel because it's valid.
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Thanks for answering my question about my daughter visiting her mom in jail.
Like I said my daughter has a good relationship with her mom so her finding it amusing her mom
Will be in jail for a a while is interesting
My daughter actually wants to go and visit which is surprising since I thought it would be scary for her but she actually seems enthusiastic about visiting I also talked to my wife about it and she says bring her if she wants to. I am also surprised about that because I thought she would flat out say no but the most surprising was a corrections officer that works there I talked to, she said that since my daughter is a teenagers it is perfectly fine to take her. She also said use it as a learning experience (what does that mean do you think), ask your wife to be honest about what happened, and to simply present it as a punishment for wrong doing. What do you think about That. You could the guard probably wants to scare kids though She hasn't gone yet so we can still discuss it together (link)
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Some prisons have a program where they scare kids on purpose so they know what reality is like if they are on a bad path and headed there. It's usually run with corrections and inmates who participate. It may be a good idea to find out from the person you spoke to if they can do something to get your daughter to see that there's nothing amusing about any of this.
While it may be fine in their eyes for her to visit her maturity level isn't there in my view. I think unless they show her what it's truly like than visiting really doesn't serve much of a purpose except to show mom that there is support from family even though she is in there. Tough call. You knoww hat she can handle better than anyone though.
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The charge is a check fraud charge and it is a seven month sentence. My daughter she seems to be handling it fine. I told her right away about it and she reacted pretty calmly. I told her mom did the wrong thing and is rightfully serving her punishment. They have a good relationship. The main problem I have is she will see her mom in a jail jumpsuit and see guards and other inmates that could be intimidating. Is that ok for a 15 year old to see? Actually my daughter does not seem scared but instead seems excited and enthusiastic to visit. This is strange to me. Do you find this normal? My daughter seems to find the idea of her mom having to wearing a uniform, sharing a room funny. I wonder why she would think it is funny. My wife says bring her if she would like to and my daughter says she would like to but I don't know if it is a good idea. She hasn't gone yet so we can still discuss it together. (link)
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You really have to find a way to show your daughter that there is nothing funny about being in prison and living in one and the dangerous situations people can find themselves in locked up. I think until she can comprehend that she shouldn't visit her mom.
There relationship should remain intact 7 months from now when your wife is released. If you're doubting that she should see her mother in this setting or if it's appropriate that's the voice in your head that you should listen to because it's seldom wrong and pointing you in the right direction.
Your daughter may be enthusiastic and wanting to go but ultimately it comes down to you thinking if she is mature enough to do so. If something feels strange or off about her and this situation or she isn't taking it as seriously as she needs to it's time to apply the emergency brake and put a stop to the idea of visiting. She has to see and be made aware that this isn't fun and games or a laughing matter.
You need to discuss with your daughter why she thinks this is funny because that will help you decide and see that she's not mature enough to handle the situation. If it were me I would make it so she doesn't go and waits until her mom is out in 7 months. If it were years than I wouldn't stop her from going but it's 7 months and after that amount of time the relationship should be intact if it seems to be now but she needs to get it through her head that it's not something to take lightly.
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Hello. I am a younger sister and my elder sister is 3 years older. We are in university. My sister is friends with these two girls (let's call them x and y), they have been close friends since grade 8 and up till now.
2-3 years ago X and Y moved back to their home country (They live in the same country, different cities) and now my sister chats with them online, video calls and texting. My sister has been diagnosed with slight depression and she wants to put on a brave face all the time. Every time she seeks comfort from X and Y, they say things like "well, I have it worse since my mum did not want me" or "at least you did not have to commute going to university. You do not know what it is like."
They dump their trauma on her and she is left to console them instead.
My sister does know what it's like to carpool and she had to travel by 2 buses to go to her university every day for 2 years. She does not say this to X and Y.
The problem is that they are aware of how my sister has self-esteem issues and they know she is not made of steel but still I have never seen them sympathise with her. They always bring in their problems when my sister wants advice. When they do not feel like explaining the advice, they reply to her texts with "hehe" or something stupid like that.
X and Y are also close friends and my sister had a rough friendship with Y in high school. Both of them were immature and growing but they have gotten over it, my sister feels guilty and has apologised many times and so has Y. But still, sometimes Y makes comments like "wow you were a monster back then. (regarding my sister's anger issues that are now resolved" or "I am still scared of you ahaha!"
My sister showed me the texts where she had texted how sad she feels after our relatives called her bad names and X ignored that and only sent a celebrity picture captioned "isn't he cute?"
My sister did not even know who he was and was unsure if she should ask because then X would get mad at her for not remembering. Y got mad when my sister said I introduced her to a game. Y scrolled up all the way to messages in Jan and shared them saying "see I said it first not her." Whenever my sister calls them out on their bad behaviour, they tell her that she's wrong and that she is too sensitive and that she twists things and in the end, my sister is always the bad guy.
When my sister watches movies with her university friends, X gets mad saying she does not spend time with her, but every time they scheduled a movie, X falls asleep or always chooses the movie and gets upset when my sister tries to pick or just says "I have to take care of my brother." or any excuse. Back when we were teens, she texted X and X hadn't replied for hours. Randomly, I asked her (with no ill intent), why X hadn't replied and my sister said "oh. she just falls asleep."
I hate to see my sister being frustrated with the people who are her friends. we moved a lot in the past years so most of my friends are online and I know how hard it is to make online friends (I have friends from pc games and such).
My sister, X and Y share so many memories together, I do not know what happened. I want to know what to say when my sister comes to me to tell me the things they said about her, her personality, how she has never been able to fit in. They make silly taunts that affect her and she tries to act like she does not care.
I want to know the word to say to console her. I know I can not fix this friendship but I want to support her.
so sorry this is long, but I would appreciate some encouraging words to say to help her out. (link)
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The only way to help her is to be direct and blunt that these people aren't friends and never were if they continue all the time to ignore her issues or dump all of their's onto her an do nothing when she asks for help or tells them how she feels. Friends don't act like this online or off. She's better than that and deserves better.
I know you have just moved and it's been hard on her not to have people around. She is however, spending too much time online worrying about people who are very toxic. She needs to let them go and remove herself permanently from the situation and heartache they cause her.
I think what she really needs to do is find a hobby she enjoys for one thing that gets her out of the house and away from needing online friends from the past. She needs to join clubs, do parks and rec programs or better yet drama classes or something that helps make her able to find friends and keep them in real life.
The other thing she is in need of is a therapist to work on these feelings, show her how to stand up for herself and discover her true worth and how to handle people like these. They can also work on her social skills and figure out why she can't get on with others. These people she converses with are only going to continue frustrating her and harming her self-image.
If you can find outlets where she can meet new people and develop friends in real life and move forward and leave these so-called friends behind it's the best thing you could ever do to help her.
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I'm 41/m. and for years, I've had this nightmarish condition of bleeding from my junk from getting aroused. I don't even have to ejaculate. NOPE, just some blood in my junk causes bleeding, most of the time. The urologist just plays it off as benign and "you'll be fine." But if I can't even get an erection without bleeding, how the hell am I supposed to ever have sex again?!?!??. And the doctors say "no big deal, go home". Let alone sex..., can't even clean the pipes once in a while! It generally doesn't hurt. But what hurts 10000 times more, is that I can't get my jollies, mostly, ever. And , that fucking kills me Psychologically. At this point, I'd be better off being impotent. I could understand some super old dude having to deal with this, but I'm 41. I should have plenty of "plowing" years ahead of me. BUT NOPE. I'm fucking cursed! And its really taking
down a dark, suicidal road. Why do I want to live with a literal fear of getting aroused? I'll wake up with a boner and I'll do what I can to make it go away and pray that there won't be blood when I go pee. This is what my life has been reduced to. I'm having a real hard time with this. I just dont know how I can handle this. I can't afford a psychologist. Meanwhile, everything else is going great in my life, obviously I can't have a girlfriend. but, finances and my living situation is pretty good. Long story short, the thought that I'm gonna have to be celibate for the rest of my life just kills me. And by celibate, I mean, I can't even "get off" without bleeding out of my dong and maybe a trip to the hospital if its bad enough. So, yeah... why would anyone want to live like this? Is there really anything else? Yeah, it sounds shallow. "help others" etc... I can't really think about much else besides how worthless I am and how I'd be better off just dying. If my body is so fucked up, I can't even get off once in a while. Which is a damn shame because, I've worked so hard to get out of being fat, and now I'm actually fit, and NOPE, God just said a big "FUCK YOU, YOU WON"T BE HAPPY NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO!" I really feel like a worthless pile of shit. I know I'm not a bad guy or anything. But this problem FUCKING KILLS ME! Doctors all tell me "its fine, you'll live." Easy for them to say, since they're not experiencing this. Anyway, Not sure what I'm looking for here. Some kind of insight or advice? I really wouldn't know what to say to someone with this problem. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you. (link)
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If you have blood coming out of your genitals urinating or at any other time that's a sign something isn't right physically. You don't need a psychologist you need your GP to refer you to a urologist or someone who is going to actually help you. You could even go to an ER and tell them this is happening when you urinate or try to engage in anything sexual.
They can figure out what is going on and fix it. This is something you should not put off. You aren't permanently screwed or have a defective body either. You just need proper medical care.
If your doctor keeps sending you home and isn't treating the issue lay into them and insist they take it seriously or you'll find a doctor that can. Don't hesitate to ask for a referral or go to an emergency room to get checked out. Any time you see blood like this when you pee or have a normal erection there's something wrong there that really needs to be looked after. Blood is a really important sign something is wrong and should be looked into pronto. If the doctor doesn't take it seriously find one that will.
As far as a girlfriend goes I don't think you're screwed there or will remain celebate forever or have fears that you are having now. You aren't cursed but rather someone with a problem that needs to be seen to and rectified.
NOTHING I REPEAT NOTHING is worth feeling suicidal about or thinking of that. This is just an issue they can help heal. If you're feeling this way you need to tell someone about it and visit an ER immediately because those thoughts aren't normal and you could be and or are in crisis and need intervention. I think it's time you did go to the emergency for both of these issues as feeling suicidal is something that you need help with and intervention as you are in crisis. You need to be observed and helped by professionals and placed on a hold so they can get your health and life in order.
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I'm 22 and I think my mom is controlling me. I'll give one example.
So recently me and my mother went to the grocery. I was wearing a mask and she wasn't, (since some places are now allowing for masks off). Before we even left the house, I had my mask under my nose. Since it's been a year that people are required to wear it out, I often times forget im even wearing it as I've become used to it. Next thing I know my mom is screaming at me to take it off. Calling me names and all types of things. I just try to tell her its not a big deal and its just a mask but she gets even angrier.
She continues to yell at me in the car until we arrive at the store. At this point im crying my eyes out because she won't stop yelling. She leaves the car to go inside the store and I stay inside to calm down. Then after 5 minutes or so I go inside. I'm forced to wear the mask under my nose or else she'll start up another fight in the middle of the store, yet she still does anyway.
I tell her a couple of times to stop and speak normally to me like the human being that I am, but she ignores and goes on about how the mask is a "dog muzzle" and how much I look like a "psychopath". She knows I have social anxiety yet she says this anyway.
(Not to mention 95% of people in the store are wearing masks)
Anyway, it ends with my crying in the middle of store begging her to stop talking about it. But of course, this makes her angrier. She tells me "I've asked you normally in the past to take it off but because you didnt listen I have to do it this way now".
I cried all the way home and then had a talk with her once we came back. At the end, she said "You have a pretty face I dont want you to cover it with a mask." As if I'm some type of trophy for her to show off.
I'm ashamed as a 22 year old that I've let this affect me to the point of crying. She's done many things like this was just one example. I'm not sure how to deal with this chaotic behavior and could use some advice on how to deal with it when it happens next time.
Thanks. (link)
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It's verbal abuse and she is wrong. Masks wearing isn't a political thing but people who are ill informed are making it out to be. It's a piece of fabric that may in fact save your life whether or not a Republican state says to take it off and Democrats tell you not to.
The fact of the matter is that unless you are fully vaccinated you should wear one. You have to be careful of variants and think that some people are idiots not taking Covid seriously. You can't trust others so wear the mask.
If she gets upset about it tough. You are an adult and at 22-years-old can make your own choice based on the facts about Covid. If you want to mask and she doesn't want you to wear one and you feel more comfortable wearing it do so.
If you're wearing it with your nose exposed that's exposing yourself to other people's problems as you are aware and a COVID risk. Next time tell her that she can go shopping alone because you have had it over the mask and what she thinks about wearing one. Let her know you aren't going anywhere without it.
I wouldn't cry at anything she does or get annoyed nor have anxiety over her blanket ignorance. If she wants to risk getting COVID-19 and not listen to facts that's on her but you have made your choice and one that protects you and that's all you need to do.
If she kicks up a fuss in a store let her embarrass herself while you still wear the mask and allow for other people around her to hear how she is berating you and watch them step in to stop it.
You don't have to put up with her even if she is your mother being abusive verbally and attacking you for a choice that you feel is best and most comfortable.
Tell her that you respect her and feel as an adult that she needs to respect you even if she doesn't agree with your choice to wear a mask and that you would never say or do the things she has with you over this.
If she doesn't stop and is causing you a ton of anxiety talk to someone you trust over it be it a relative or a teacher that can approach her about her behaviour and challenge her on it and let her know that it's hurting you and needs to stop.
If there's another family member, teacher, or someone she listens to they can let her know that this is unacceptable and that you're an adult and can make choices for yourself.
If there is a next time point out that 95% of people are wearing one and if she doesn't want to wear one herself that's fine but you'll be wearing one in the store. If she kicks up a fuss stay in the car or leave the store while she shops. If she gets the message that you don't want to be with her and want to sit in the car instead she'll get it.
I really think it will take another adult to point out how ridiculous she is being with her beliefs and berating you and causing you anxiety that you just don't need. I wouldn't go shopping or anywhere with her if this is how she will act. Don't go if you can't be sure she won't launch into a tirade in the store.
If she did this again in a store find an employee of the store to talk to her and calm her down and then leave to the car. They can stop a verbal tirade or uncomfortable situation in their stores or ask someone to leave even.
The bottom line is you're 22-years-old, an adult and not a child and are following COVID-19 protocols to be safe even if she won't. Hold your head high and don't let any of her words, action or abuse bother you. Remind yourself that it's where she's at and don't let it rattle you. Ask her to respect you and not do this kind of thing in public or you won't go anywhere with her again.
Wear your mask properly and not below your nose no matter what. I'm sure if you find people to back you up that she trusts and ask her to respect your wishes like she would want you to with her that it will sink in. She doesn't have a right to verbally abuse you and you should push back at her on that. You'll be okay once you start standing up for yourself. That's what you need to do instead of letting her rattle you.
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My bathroom toilet wasn’t working. Since this was an emergency I called to get it fixed. The maintenance guy said has this happened before and I was like no this is the first time. And he was they said it happens all the time ( I believe that’s what I heard). I suspect the usual maintenance guy works on my apartment said this. The reason I believe this is because I’ve put in work order whenever something breaks or isn’t working properly. At first, I felt like I didn’t want to be a bother but since I pay my rent I want to live comfortably. I sense he’s annoyed with my request but I didn’t understand why the guy came back and told me this. What was his point and I simply responded and said that it was the first time happening. Then he asked how long I lived here. But, I was upset that rest of the day. Because I felt hurt by his comment because it wasn’t true and offended that he would judge me for wanting things done in my apartment. (link)
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You have taken his comment completely out of context. What he meant is that he sees the same problem that you have all the time throughout the building and not just with you. He was surprised when you told him that this was the first time you encountered the issue. He asked how long you lived there to try and figure out why you're only now having it when others in the building have it constantly.
It was not passing judgment on you and shouldn't have offended you. Any time there is something wrong in your unit you have to bring them in and it's not bothering them.
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Me and a friend of mine fell out over something a few months back- we both hurt the other’s feelings unintentionally and made some mistakes; we’ve apologised to each other and I know that we both really want to be friends again. I know that with time, we’ll be able to rebuild that friendship. She was the sweetest person ever; and we just had a personality clash leading to the breakdown of a friendship.
I’ve had friends in the past that I thought were friends but turned out to be anything but; who had malicious intent towards me; but I know this person never did, this person was a true friend of mine and I wish I could rebuild it. I’m just not sure how. (link)
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I think the first step is to figure out and own up to her and to yourself what you contributed to the problem that ended the friendship. Try to figure out how she felt and what you contributed to the problem and work from there.
Also, let her know what you felt she did that contributed to it and listen to what both of you have to say and highlight what you like about her and that you're sorry and want to get things restarted. It's hard because you both were hurt and both have blame for it. If you acknowledge her feelings and put them ahead of your own that would be a great way to start.
Forgive what she may have done and seek forgiveness from her as well and it should be okay. You need to get together and talk face to face and agree to move forward and put it in the past.
I think your greatest problem is that you have this bug in your head that you can't get rid of that people have malicious intent towards you and expect it from them and feel slighted when they in fact never meant it that way. I have a feeling that you take things out of context a lot and see things differently a lot than how other people see what is or ins't going on.
You have to let go of that and expecting it because that's likely what is pissing her off and one sticking point in the way. You both have equal blame for things breaking down but you have to see that a big problem is the expectation that people will screw you over when in fact they may have no intention to.
Talk things out and highlight what you like about her and the reasons you were friends in the first place and as I mentioned own what you contributed to the breakdown and listen to her and agree to move forward and work to gain one another's trust. You're right it will take time but if you do these things you'll get there.
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I know this sounds really ridiculous but when I was pooping earlier, it had a really strong smell that smelled like weed and I have no idea why- I’ve never smoked weed or experimented with it in my life- I hate drug culture personally (the only reason I know what it smells like is because certain people in my life have used it before) so I wonder why that odor has gotten to my poop, despite me having never used marijuana of any kind before. I’m a 17 year old male if that helps. (link)
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With all due respect to a fellow columnist I think the doctor is out to lunch on this one and should have used more tact. She likely doesn't realize that the questioner is asking because he noticed something different when he used the washroom and was concerned for his health and needing to know if this was fine and or not and if he needed to see someone about it.
By all accounts you are fine and I wouldn't worry. It has a lot to do also with what you have been eating. If you are noticing any real changes with bowel movements however, that wasn't there before ie: cramps and inability to pass things easily then that's when to see a doctor to find out why.
In that case a lot of people can have cramps so severe that they vomit. This likely isn't the case with you but IBS is what all of that usually encompasses.
Your question btw is a legitimate one to have asked if something seemed really strange to you. If you notice blood or anything that looks like it shouldn't be there that's a key sign to see a doctor about. Blood in stool or ones that are consistently black etc should be looked into. I wouldn't worry though abiut what you brought up here.
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My mother has always been super controlling, and angers easily. She often insults me, either directly when she's angry about something, or passive aggressively in pretty much every conversation. She's called me lazy, worthless, stupid, psychotic, told me I should go to a (mental) hospital, and that I'd amount to nothing when I grow up. These were all on different occasions, but you get the idea. And in normal conversations, she'll often bring up how smart other kids are, imply that I should eat less and exercise more, and talk about how talented other kids my age are. Any time she compliments me, it's always followed by an insult, like how that top looks good for girls my age, but my arms are too fat. My waist is the only slim thing about me. I don't eat that much but I'm not getting any skinnier. Tan skin looks healthy, but I don't look good tan. However, my parents have spent a lot of money and time on me, taking me to different extracurriculars (although I was forced into some of them), going on lots of family vacations (although afterwards, my mom always says bringing me and my brother is a waste because we don't appreciate it, even though we always have fun there at least), and she always asks what I want to eat, and makes my favorite foods. My dad is better, but he always tells me that I'm overreacting, and always lectures me in a very condescending tone, telling me that I'm too arrogant and I know nothing. He always justifies it by saying that his attitude is always patient, and he's very nice about it, but his patronization is almost worse than my mom's constant insults because at least then I can just roll my eyes. They dote on me and buy me stuff, and tell me that they do all this because they love me, and want me to be successful in life, and that I'm too sensitive and overreacting when I tell them, this is verbal abuse, you know. They never take any of my concerns seriously either, when I try to bring it up, and my mom usually gets angry and says, "oh yeah, everything is my fault" and my dad usually just laughs at me. But whenever my parents and I are on good terms (usually after I haven't seen them in a while because I've been holed up in my room), I'm always unsure because they're nice and I have fun memories of my family and I can't hold grudges for the life of me. Also, I have this one friend who is actually abused by her parents, like she's been put in the hospital by her mom before, and it makes me even more unsure, because compared to what she has to go through, my problems seem like petty whining and not so serious. (link)
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Verbal abuse can often be worse than the physical kind because it leaves irreversible damage and scars that will forever affect self-esteem, worth and how you approach life.
The hard part is in knowing who you are versus the crap you hear about worthlessness etc. etc. out of them and others. Know your true self and work to discover it and use that to mentally defend yourself. You have to know that you aren't those things are are actually much better.
It's awful that they cannot see that but their behaviour is wrong and one day they will have to atone for it. Often in cases like these the person(s) doing the abuse are projecting what they actually feel about themselves onto a blank canvas in this case you.
If your parents are alcoholics, mentally ill themselves (and may not be aware) or suffered that kind of abuse they are putting on you as kids themselves it will dictate their behaviour towards their own children.
I think the best thing for you to do is find a therapist or Child & Youth Worker through school and tell them confidentially about how things are with the verbal abuse and get support to navigate and deal with it. They can often find ways to address things with parents too as can teachers. You need this and a support network so you can thrive.
People who are verbally abusive can also be nice at times too and revert back to horrible behaviour. It's all on them and not you. Reach out to adults you know who care and to your doctor who can get you help and support you need and deal with your parents for you. Anything you tell any of these people are kept in confidence unless you authorize details to be shared.
Your doctor may even refer you to a psychiatrist to make sure your mental health is in check and to help you rise above your situation at home and the depression it has brought on you. You have to deal with depressed thoughts and thinking associated with what you told us as that's something that needs to be handled now.
As far as being successful in life you already are whether you know it or not and are quite brave and level-headed and know already that this isn't your fault and that you're the opposite of what they are saying you are. That's monumental to know that because a lot of people don't and start out worse than you have in getting help and past what is going on and being above it. Reach out to every adult you can that can support you. That's key.
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I've wanted to get my ears pierced since forever, but my mother hasn't let me until recently. Actually, she promised me that she would take me (because you need a parent or guardian to get them pierced) about 2 years ago, but since then, she's just kept pushing it back and not going through with her promise even though I kept reminding her and asking her. She always has some excuse. So finally, she made an appointment to get them pierced recently. Only, the day that I was supposed to go, she cancelled AGAIN, and moved it without even telling me. Her reasoning is that the new Delta variant of COVID is a lot worse, and I have only just gotten my first shot. The problem is, she was the one who wouldn't let me get the vaccine when it was first was approved for 12-15 year olds (I'm 16 now, but I was 15 then). I wanted to get vaccinated immediately so it wouldn't affect my life afterwards, but she refused to let me because she didn't trust it even though it was literally tested on so many people. She made all these decisions without even asking me or listening to what I have to say, and now she's telling me she already explained herself, and I have no right to be upset about it. She didn't, by the way, explain herself at all, and just kept saying that I couldn't get my ears pierced and refused to talk to me when I asked her to explain. She's always been super controlling about everything, but how can she possibly expect to be able to control my emotions? Am I not allowed to be upset that she didn't keep her promise, and that her decision affected something I was really looking forward to? (link)
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She has made the right decision and it really has nothing to do with getting your ears pierced. The choice and it's the right one she has made is to do with COVID-19 and the dangerous variants. She knows that entering into a mall or place where you can get your ears pierced if they are even open in full swing isn't a good idea.
As far as vaccines go that's also another good reason not to venture out and do this and affecting the promise she made. Information is constantly changing especially when it comes to children and teens and if they can even get vaccinated with anything other than Pfizer.
Having a first dose is great because it provides some protection but isn't this fool proof thing where you can drop your guard like many have and you have no idea who else is vaccinated at all and some people have been idiots about not following COVID protocol.
Until she has all the information she can to make the correct decision on your second dose and whether and when you should get it she has done all the right things in protecting you.
In the past she may have felt you were too young to have your ears pierced. Things are different now and I'm sure she knows what she promised but it's on hold until you are fully vaccinated and COVID is under control in your country, state and municipality.
While you have a right to be disappointed she's not being controlling or unreasonable. I'm sure if you speak to her again she will tell you exactly what we are that it will happen but it's not safe now.
We don't know much about the variants and if full vaccination is enough. What scares me is fall and winter because that's what the disease has thrived off of because people are forced to be indoors where the air doesn't circulate well. There's a lot of unknowns and your mom is right for letting this wait awhile longer. She didn't say no to you but rather not now. That's the difference.
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So I found out that I was Autistic a few months ago and loud noises bother me especially fireworks and I was wanting to try to go to this year and I am already preparing for a lot of people and for the noise, but my main concern is the fact that the fireworks look like their falling on me . I know there not but it just seems like it . I just want to be able to enjoy it like everyone else and not be scared. I haven't been able to go since I was 12 and I am now 32. I want to be able to accomplish this and get over fear. My mom says why don't you just watch the neighbors do their fireworks that way you can back inside if it scares you because they do them every year ,but I hate missing the big Annual fireworks because of my fear. What does everyone else think? (link)
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I think your mom has a good suggestion because she knows that with it you have an out or place of immediate safety without anxiety. However, you would prefer to see the bigger annual display and I can't say I don't blame you. July 4th celebrations of Canada Day ones on July 1st are very impressive.
While I'm not Autistic and don't know too much about what anxiety, fears and triggers you have I do know one thing that could help. You should go with your family and friends whom you know for sure will protect you from anything you are feeling and make things feel safe and okay. That's the primary thing I would do.
The next thing you have to do is convince yourself of what is true and what isn't and remind yourself of it while watching that these fireworks cannot fall on you and the noise has no ability to hurt you at all. If you do that and have your family there with you that will work.
I actually would go against mom's "safe" suggestion even though it was well intended. Why? Sooner or later when your parents aren't around and you have to go about doing things like this alone you'll learn and know from doing this now that you can/did handle it and in your mind can see for next time that it's safe.
I wouldn't for a second allow yourself to be denied the experience to see this display. The desire to go is the main part to have reached and the finding of people to go with that can make you feel secure is really the only other issue. You just have to keep reminding yourself whenever you feel the way you described over and over that it's not rational and cannot and will not happen. Seeing is believing no pun intended in this case. You'll feel bad if anything stood in your way to go.
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