Jaelle's advice column

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Q: I was a teen mom.
My parents got divorced while I was pregnant
Also had to deal with a big move
and some other things

I dont have any college education but I am 18 Is it possible to become a counselor?

Anything is possible, given enough effort and motivation.

As you are 10 now, you need to look into getting a GED or high-school-diploma equivalent first. Then you need to start saving for college. Apply. Explain who you are, and where you are coming from. Use your experiences to understand others.

If you still don't think you can do it, try this on for size: a friend of mine, Kelly, was addicted to meth when she was younger. She never finished high school, became a hooker, and when she was caught she agreed to rehab vs jail. She got herself cleaned up, and fought to get her GED. She went to college and is now doing social work with teens at risk.

You can do it!

Q: hi im 18/f and im a freshmen in college. Ive never been too into studying and doing homework in high school i was a B student so not horrible. Now that im in college i want to start getting really good grades and studying so i can do well. The only problem is i cant get motivated to do so. I always put it off, or too busy doing something else and get distracted. Does anybody have any tips that would help me to keep focused? (Im going to be majoring in nursing im just getting my basics out of the way, and i know nursing requires alot of studying)

-Thanks

The easiest way to get motivated is to buy into what you are doing emotionally. "just getting the basics out of the way" tells me you're not quite there yet... but I can see that you could be. Look at it this way - some day those basics you can't wait to get rid of might in fact end up saving a patient's life.

Other than that my personal tips were:
- start a to-do list and stick to it
- break studying down into smaller batches. Say starting with 10 minutes at a time. Once you have mastered that snowball it into 15 minutes, then 20, 25, 30, 35 and so on.
- use a whiteboard and study standing up
- shut your door and put your headphones on (may or may not work for you)
- use mnemonics. MedicalMnemonics.com would likely be useful to you.
- take good physical care of yourself.
- go out and grab a calender and some sparkly stars. Do up a star chart: for each day you study, you get a star. If you get 7 consecutive stars in a row, swap them for a reward.
- join an online or offline study group.
- make it a rule to never miss 2 days in a row
- create friendly competition - find some fellow classmates, and have each write up 20 trivia questions. Mix them up and have a battle to see who can get the most points. (5 points per card?) Have some food on hand and it becomes a study party.

Hope that helps a bit! Good luck!

Q: 17/f

My parents are really being unreasonable. They refuse to approve of my boyfriend because he's not from the same group of people as us. He's puerto rican and my parents dislike him because of the reputation they carry but what upsets me the most is they are judging too quickly.. They haven't even met him in person to be making judgements. And my father refuses to allow me to go out with him anymore. This isn't the only thing they dislike about him.. He's 18 but could pass as a 20 yr old and my parents claim that if I bring him over the house there going to ask for I.d to prove his age its completely nonsense !! I just don't know what to do anymore I refuse to bring him over because I don't want them to scare him away and I don't want to tell him about this because it'll really upset him.. I don't want my parents choosing who I date or telling me who I can go out with ...

News flash: your parents are not being "unreasonable". If your boyfriend looks like a 20 year old person OF COURSE they are going to be concerned. I'm concerned reading about it!

Race is a handy cover excuse for the issue. If they are in face racist, then that sucks... and you can either go ahead with the relationship behind their back or in defiance of them (good luck with that) or move out. They're still your parents.

However, it may be that they have run up against or heard about some negative experiences with Puerto Ricans, and are now judging ALL by the actions of SOME. The best way to combat that is to invite your boyfriend over for a meet and greet or to have him pick you up for a group date.... that way they can see what a nice young man he is.

I can tell you that your attitude of "my parents can't tell me what to do" makes you come across as immature. So, it may be best to improve your actions and thoughts towards your family. Instead of looking at it as "how dare they!?!" try looking at it as "they really DO care about me." Because if I can read what you wrote as "defiant and immature" then I'm guessing you've acted that way towards them... and one of the signs of a physical abuser is exactly that kind of change it produces in the victim. Now, don't get your knickers in a twist: I'm not saying your guy is an abuser. But I AM saying that this may be a concern for your parents, and something you really need to look at honestly.

Q: Expressing myself through a computer screen Is very hard to do.So sharing info with random people is something i have never done in my life.But im just screaming for help and I have to be heard in one way or another.And im not here to be told that im just overreacting or that i just have to never give up because i've heard it all before and my pain runs so much deeper then that.So listen and just try to spare me the tough love and just help me by giving me the best advice possibly because that it what i really need right now.

This litte feeling that takes over me has been happening since I was a tyke. I mean i felt like my family has always teamed up on me.I guess you can call me the black sheep of my family.I mean my childhooh has been pretty rough but its not about that.The problem is that I feel like im always beening smothered.Like I can never breath in fresh air.When i was younger i used to live in this house that was huge..but sadly it burned to the ground in a huge house fire.So now i live in this box..literally.I feel like in going crazy.The house is over crowded by immature siblings and grown ups.My mom is 40 and so is my dad and those two argue like five year old kids.Im 17 years old and i still cover my ears everytime they go at.Im just so over the whole thing.Being here doesnt feel like a home and im just really ready to live.I mean what parents would want their kids to be around all this screaming and cursing.Im very disappointed in the both of them.Problem #2.The only person that i really felt close to was my twin sister.Its like I was born with my own best friend.From dressing alike to laughing at each others jokes..she was my rib.But no..when she got her so-called boyfriend things changed big time.She start saying things to me like how i couldnt keep a boyfriend becuase no one liked me and how i had no friends.Things that will scar my heart for life.Things she would have never said to me.And she really put me down when she got a job before me.I gratuated in may of 09 and have been looking for a job to help pay for college out of pocket.Im just so sick of being left out.As for friends..My life asnt been anything but a big competion with me.Why does frinedship have to be about jealousy.I can honestly say I never had true blue friends.Now a day everybody just compete's with everyone.No one's honest anymore.I just wanna go to college and start my life.But since I have no money..I have to work for it.Please dont tell me that there's finacial aid becuase i have recieved that but still its nott enough.Yes..I have applied for scholarships and grants.And no..mom and dad cant help becuase their just as selfish as the next person.All they can think about is buying the next hottest car becuase one of their co-workers have it.I need to find myself spiritually but cant never stay focused do to the negative things people fill my head with.I feel like cyring everyday.I just wanna break out of the walls and start my life they I want to. What can I do..? Please you guys..I feel so alone in this world.

Okay, sounds like you're in a tough spot. I'll try to help out, but I'm warning you right now that you may not like the answer.

It sounds to me like your family has never recovered from losing your home. Ask yourself if these behaviors were always in place, or did things really get bad after the fire? The thing about fires is that they remove the identity.... the heart of the home. If you take a good look at your family it sounds as if you grew up in an emotionally abusive home.

However, you are now 17, close enough to being an adult as you can get. You have a choice. You can stick with your family, and call a family meeting. Or go to therapy together. Or you can leave and call it quits - but I can almost guarentee you'll regret that sooner or later.

No, it wasn't fair to grow up like that. Nor is it fair that your sister speaks to you that way. Nor is it fair that you have made poor relationship choices. And no, it is not fair that you will have to work your way through college. However, these are universally regarded as Things Everybody Goes Through (Unless They're Really Lucky).

If you want to break out and start living for yourself, I encourage you to make a goal list of things you will need to do in order to become fully independent. I also encourage you to see a therapist or attend a support group - contact your local mental health agency for more details.

Good luck! I hope this helps!

Play safe!

Q: In two weeks I will be flying to Australia from the UK, which takes almost 24 hours. I'm not afraid of flying, I just don't particularly enjoy it so I'm not really looking forward to it. Does anyone have any tips for flying long haul? Anything related to passing the time, sleeping, eating and jet-lag would be greatly appreciated.

Ah, the long haul travel....books, a DS, snack bags or money for the snack cart, a bottle of pop or water or something, and a travel pillow are all good ideas. I also like headphones and my ipod.

Basically, it's an excerise in patiently waiting.

Q: Hi. 17/M. Im studying american history, and one topic is the vietnam war. I do not understand why John F. Kennedy is considered a hero, when in reality, his actions worsened the state of the USA in vietnam. Maybe im missing something? anyone help me out?

thanks.

Well, in order to understand this you have to look at the whole country and era as a whole... not just JFK seperately from the era.

Personally, I think people then saw JFK the same way we now see Obama... media glory hero, etc.

You could also ask your teacher about this one, since it's a good question.

Q: ok so there is this guy at my college..... I really like him and I'm not sure if he likes me. We sit down and watch t.v. all the time and talk and laugh for like hours. He always looks at me in this way that I don't know how to explain it but he's sooo adorable. He makes me laugh like crazy and is a really good listener to. What should I do?

Well, if he is an adult, and you are too... what are you waiting for? All signs to point to yes? I say ask him out for something casual.... "hey, I see District 9 is in town, wanna go see it?" If he asks if others can come, then he likes you as a friend and you'll have to accept that. If he agrees to come alone, then you're in the game. Gently begin to flirt with him, and see where it leads.

I am assuming here that you know how to flirt. If not... it's all about conversation and letting him know (gently) that you're attracted and available for him, if he wants to take you up on that offer.

Play safe!

Q: well i saved my friends life but i have a record and everything and awhile ago i wazs in a psychiatric hospital im jus worried if its in the paper or sumthin that theyll put tht shit in. ik its a good thing but i jus wanna know if they can actually do tht

If they do, then the best thing that you can do is own up to it. Part of being an adult is taking responsibility for our past mistakes - you could say, for example: "Yes, that really did happen, and I am sorry that I made such a poor choice. But I am turning over a new leaf, and I'd perfer to discuss that." Or just agree that you've done wrong in the past. I imagine that if they do put your save in the paper they will likely focus on it a bit, so you need to be prepared for that.... and yes, if you have a record as an adult, they can dredge up EVERYTHING about what you did.

If you were a juvie, or for the psych part, the best they can do, legally (I believe) is just say "oh, he has a record or has been a patient of this hospital". If you do have a juvie record, and if you are now on the straight/narrow, you can apply after a period of time to get that record sealed or pardoned. Talk to your PO officer if you have one, or contact whomever was responsible for it before to discuss this.

The worst possible route you can go is to deny it. Sorry, it sucks... but that's part of rehab.

Q: When I was growing up all I heard from my friends was about how they were so bored all of the time. They would be in the middle of a fun activity and start saying they were bored! It was like it was cool to say you were bored all the time or something.

Well, now I don't hear many people saying they're bored but I hear them talking about how depressed they are. Sometimes they will be in the middle of a fun, happy activity (just like before when I was growing up) and start talking about how depressing their life is and stuff. It's like the word "bored" became the word "depressed" or something! They're practically the same situations!

Am I on to something or am I just running into strange people? Does anybody else feel this way or is it just me? It's weird!

I don't think the people you hang out with are interchanging the words "depression" and "boring". I think they just don't know what word to use for how they feel, and depression may be the closest they can verbally come to it.

As a side, why wouldn't teens be more depressed than the ones you grew up with? War, broken families, an economic crisis, world disasters happening on a fairly regular basis... it's enough to make ANYONE feel uncertain and sad. But I believe that they may be trying to communicate that they are stressed - not actually depressed, which is a mental illness - but stressed.

And you're certainly right about how people loosely throw the word around. "I'm so depressed the new Cure album sucked..." is not a good useage of the word. Depression (the illness) is common, and I personally believe it's because people simply aren't as resilient as they were before.

The best way to defend yourself from overdramatics (as well as decipher who is "depressed" from the actually depressed) is to ask them to clarify. Are they experiencing a mental illness? Is it just today, or this week, or two weeks, or longer? (Two weeks being the cutoff point).

And if they aren't really depressed.... call them out on it. If they are, help them to access help.

Q: A company I work with is starting a magazine and each employee needs to have their own article/column. I need ideas for what kind of colums magazines have so I know what I should write about. Examples are fashion, sports, nutrition, gossip, product review, hair and make up, how to, advice, etc.... I need as many ideas as possible so give me ideas no matter how many I already have please!!! Thank you so much!!

Okay - so far from what I've read about the topics you've written it seems you're starting up a woman's or a girl's magazine. So, speaking as an avid reader of such magazines, I can say I'd definately like those "focus on a hot issue" sections. Or you could have an employment-skills section for women.