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Quality time
Is too much quality time bad? I've been dating my bf for 2 months and we've been seeing eachother almost everyday. While I love him, and do enjoy his company I find myself feeling irritated over the small and dumbest thing. And I feel terrible because he's so sweet to me. Is it normal to want alone time with myself and other friends too? How should I bring this up?
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Everyone needs alone time, even if in a commited relationship. It doesn't mean you're not right for each othe. The amount of alone time and how alone you are differs with individuals. For example, hubby and I can be in the same room together but on our own computers and that is a time when we are not directing interacting, and our minds are on something else. Hubby likes to fly drones, and I like to bury myself in a good book. You can have interests that aren't interesting enough for your partner to want to do or they know they couldn't have the patience to do. My hubby would never want to do what I am doing here. But he is so proud of me and tells others what I do and in his view how well I do. So he will ask sometimes if I had answered anything interesting in the help column lately. Showing a level of interest in just asking about what they are doing is good, and as easy as stopping instead of passing by them, and asking what they are doing. You have only been together 2 months and for some, maybe even the boyfriend, it is too soon to want time apart. Some couples take separate vacations for their alone time. I believe your biggest question is over feeling irritated over small dumb things. Life is not a fairytale so yes, even in the best of partnerships, marriage, there will be feelings of irritation over little things. Using myself for example, I do get irritated. SO what do I do, I address it only in my head as its nothing to tell him about unless it is a big thing that will harm the whole relationship. For wxample, we are living in a Sprinter van and its not done to the point of cooking facility, an ebergy system, and such but we have bins for everything we own, including one for soiled clothes and he puts his in an ampty milk crate or somewhere on the limited floor we have. I do the laundry taking everything out of the dirty clothes bin with a glance around for some of his straggling laundry and often, some of his doesn;t get done. He'll ask why I didn't get to his work clothes and I tell him I truly didn't see any, knowing he doesnt use the bin, I try but I can't guarantee anything. I tell myself not to get irritated, thats just one of his bad things in my eyes. But he is fairly organized in others, will cook, go shopping and do lots of others things some men would not do at all. He doesn't pick on me when his laundry doesnt all get done and will take care of what has been missed. We both are getting older and forgetful but no matter which one of us forgets something that makes things difficult for both of us at the moment, we choose to not critisize or yell at or even internalize any frustration because we know we both do the same thing and there is no help for it. Its not like we are doing it on purpose to irritate each other. So choose wisely what you believe are issues to speak on. As for having time alone, you could go into it gradually like both of you in the same apt, or room but each doing your own thing. If living separate still, take time out for just yourself, spending time with your girlfriends. And let him know ahead like, Hey Joe, tomorrow my girlfriends decided to all go get their nails done at the same place and go for dinner after so you can only see me in the morning, or "so I am going to make it a whole day and get some things done earlier. That okay with you? It should be. If he doesnt want you taking time out to do things without him, tries to keep you shut away from all friends and family, its a warning sign...he could be a controller if demanding you stay with him during the day.
A good thing to remember in any relationship is that both parties make themselves available to the other by choice. Each is still their own person and does not own the other. However if a couple, you can no longer go on acting and thinking like a single person. What a single person does will not affect a relationship because they are not in one. But if in a relationship, it is time to compromise and talk things out because neither is a mind reader and won't know what the other is thinking and if one makes a decision for the both of them or that will affect the both of them without allowing the partner to have their say so, give their viewpoint, etc...then one will be irritated or unhappy. As long as I've been with my second husband, we do almost everything together and discuss things. On occasion however when someone wsa needing help and asking if both of us would like to help them and earn some extra money, he has said yes without asking me ahead because we had already discussed needing extra money and both hoping our names were being passed around so others might ask for help....whatever, gardening, painting, clean up stuff, so he knows I was already willing but I remind him to remember to ask me first. Its one of the differences between men and women and one that will irritate women pretty quickly and can create a schedule issue such as if I promised to babysit a grandchild for the day, he knew it but forgot it since it didn't pertain to him.
Quality time can't be too much. Quality isn't what we are doing together but simply time spent together that we enjoyed very much, even if all we were doing is chores and running errands. We are more together than alone because being with each other makes even the mundane things seem more special simply because we both are doing it together. So we don't count going to the theater, or to a museum as quality time. We count being with each other while experiencing those things, as special. We are each others best friend and also lovers but the best friend thing is important because beauty fades over time and one needs to be able to really love their partner unconditionally and love who they are on the inside, their personality. My ex mistreated me, verbally, was never my best friend, not even a lover, just someone I had sex with occasionally when he wanted, not when I did. We were operating like two singles with kids, but not because I wanted it that way. I realized I had married the wrong person but believed too closely what the church taught about no divorce. Once God told me it was time for me to leave him, I did. I will always listen to that higher voice rather than what any church is preaching. A couple together for a long time have developed a natural way to just bring up a new subject or talk about something important to the other. For you, it might feel awkward but all you do is during a moment when neither is speaking is to tell him that he is the only person you felt you;ve spent time with in the last two months and you don't want to neglect your friendships and neither should he. Encourage him to spent time hanging with his buddies, and tell him what you would like to do with your friends. At some point, perhaps if you're still together later, the natural progression is to meet each other family and friends and it could be a couples night of your girlfriends bringing a date if they have one and going bowling or whatever. Avoid bars and getting drunk because when under the influence, he won't really have a good chance to get to know your friends.
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