|
It's me again ..
Thank you for your reply, i read your advices ,i think you're right about the trust thing, if it wasn't there it wont be .
The thing is that he was instilling trust in me in a way that i never had doubted him, and the things that you said about your husband that he compliments you all day long and you see it in his eyes ,i see it in his eyes as well, he compliments me all day he tells me how much he loves me now and use to, i never felt the lack of love and all the things you said, now i gave him a second chance, but all i'm thinking about when im with him "the other girl" the things i read on his phone, sometimes it's all good but there are times i can't hold my tears and something is reaching trough my heart and squeeze it, and i feel helpless , and the only thing that's bothering me that how am i still with him, i don't want to be in this situation and sometimes it looks like that i have only one thing to do ,to leave him, but i can't i just can't do it. I don't see her in his any kind of social medias .not even her number, but he could've just deleted her after all that happened, or maybe he understood that im the one for him, again i don't want to think like that.. aaaa i'm just helpless..
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Here's a bit more advice since you are finding it hard to stop doubting at this point due to what you saw and heard. I don't remember how long you've been together but there is only a limited amount of time that people can pretend to be on their best behavior and act exactly the way they know you are expecting and wanting them to. The word 'act' is a keky word here because with some people, it is an act, a false front they show you.
Now about presenting a false persona, meant to impress, the reason people, women, kids, all people do this, is because we know of some really bad character points in us we don't want to change so we hide them until we think we have 'hooked' the other person, reeled them in and we are safe now to show our real selves because the other is so in love with us. Most don't consciously do this though, it more of a sub conscious act. But the amount of energy needed to keep up a false front is tiring and drains you quickly so without realizing it, many slip right back into bad habits. After divorcing an abusive first husband, I met two guys who seemed okay by what they wrote in online dating site. So we met and the first two times was fine. When they saw I was willing to go out a third time, both guys let down their guard and their real self showed through, the one ended up lying and when caught in his lie, kept creating more lies, and the other let his real self show which was a perfectionist, racist, verbally abusive to his maid. I saw that and it was too much like my ex so I told him on the phone later that there was no chemistry. No way would I tell him the truth and risk him becoming angry and maybe a stalker.
In your case, I believe there may be two different things going on. It takes time to regain trust, often much longer than the first time around because now you've experienced something that makes you question the trust. Don't worry about it. He will prove himself to be consistently a reformed man or not. This is not something a man may slip up on just once again in the future. There most always is a stop to behavior he knows you don't like or won't tolerate. So if it is repeated, the guy is unwilling to really change something, because he lacks the level of love for you to want to make that change. I once told my now husband of something he was doing that really bothered me. At first he teased and chuckled thinking I was making it up but then I cried and he sobered up quick and promised me right then he would never do it again and he has kept his promise, not slipping up even once. It hurt him to think of something he did that hurt me enough to make me cry in frustration.
So give it a couple months and if he is being the kind of man you want to be with, no slips ups, then you can trust him. You will know.
The second part has nothing to do with him. It is something that many people do but only some end up having trouble because instead of letting a thought go, they dwell on it. I am talking of negative or distorted thinking. This is what I suspect when you said that when with him, all you can think about is the other girl. There is a way to stop but you must be diligent. We all have a subconsious mind and to me, I often think it seems like my inner child, simplistic in thinking, just like a younger child. What I have learned is that the subconscious is responsible for more than you think and is aware 24/7 of what you are doing. It also wants to please you and do what makes you happy. Only it sees this as a child might, believing that the very things you think so much about and dwell on, is because you really like it. It doesn't reason that you might be thinking of something you fear happening. So if you had a bad past experience but think on it as if you actually liked it, your subconscious will do whatever it c an to help you get again that which you are 'wanting', or so it thinks. So the only way to train your subconscious to stop thinking about the other girl, is to talk to it and tell it. I know that sounds weird but when you put it into words, either internally or spoken aloud when alone, (I've done both) the subconscious hears what you are saying but will forget sometimes early on, be cause its like a habit now. So every time a thought of the other girl comes to you, you will say something to yourself like, "We are going to stop thinking of her. He knows what he did was really wrong and it hurt me and I lost trust because of it. This is now his second chance and that means I am letting go of the past, so stop thinking about her and wondering if it will happen again. Don't think of that anymore. " In a few hours or even more often, you will catch yourself thinking about it again, it snuck quietly into your mind when you weren't on guard. So you repeat that you want to stop thinking of her. And you repeat that as many times a day as needed. I had to do this and was amazed that I lost count of how many times the first day I had these thoughts sneak in that I no longer wanted. Each day gets better and if you are diligent about doing this, you will find in a few days if not before a week has passed that you no longer dwell on the incidents. This frees you to watch him carefully for consistently good behavior without your mind playing games and interfering in what just might end up a great relationship. Everyone can screw up once, even if they knew deep down that what they are doing is wrong. But people often think that their actions are not going to hurt or affect others. Now that he has learned it hurt you, he needs to always do the right thing, for the rest of his life, there is no excuse for doing something similar again now that he knows better. I won't say all guys can be so dense that they wouldn't realize what they do is wrong and will hurt a female. But I have seen it often enough to know it is part of a trait I've found in almost all males (however a trait that got warped in his mind) and this trait is one of wishing to protect their woman from unneccesary worry so they keep things from the womna, not telling her of certain things, like my husband working construction job he lucked into but he was older than the others and it was harder to be as agile so when on a roof top with one of his bosses, he lost his footing and almost slipped off the roof, and would have if his boss hadn't grabbed his hand to stop him slipping over the edge. He didn't tell me at first but eventually he realized he was too old to be doing this and what if he had fallen and died because of it? And I would be a widow. He told me finally after he quit the job and he was right, that it would have worried me. He knows better that I am not a flighty easy to upset woman and I can take lots of the truth without freaking out. So I am not angry at him for keeping it secret for a while, I understand men can't help wanting to protect women from worry. However a male who is doing something wrong and knows it is selfish, wanting to keep doing it and this trait warps to not telling his woman what he is doing because he knows she will be upset so he keeps doing the same thing over and over in secret til found out. Here, his not telling wasn't about an accidental thing, not of his own doing, but a choice he was willingly making and keeping the truth away from her is only to cover his tracks. This is why men who we assume show know better, end up stuck doing this secrecy thing all for the wrong reason. I have told you what you can do and it s up to you to try this first, or follow your feelings which are based on fear so they can't be trusted, and leave him and then what? The rest of your life, you could just be the female who never finds a mate because you don't want to trust and risk being hurt again. We can't blame anyone else if we build walls around our heart to protect ourselves. A relationship can be scary in the beginning, learning to trust,, and we are vulnerable. Just keep this in mind, I knew a woman in her fifties who never got over a hurt in her past so she built a wall around her heart, got married, had kids and they came to me asking for advice. THe husband said no matter what he tried all their marriage, he was unable to get really close to her emotionally. He always felt she was holding herself back. I knew of her past and hadn't made the connection until I heard this, that her past had made her build a wall to protect her heart. So I told her I understood why she had done so way back in the past but she was no longer in that situation and she had agreed he was the best husband ever, but I told her he could only get so close because he could not reach her heart, she was hiding behind a wall. She began to cry and as I held her and hugged her, I got a picture in mind of that wall beginning to crumble. It wasn't that she wasn't willing all those years, she just forgot it was there after decades with a husband who never let her down once. So remember to examine yourself and your heart, are you building a wall to hide behind? If you are, then all future relationships will never be satisfying because you won't be able to fully feel his love because he can't get any closer even inf trying, because the wall is holding the man at arms length. I hope this helps.
]
More Questions: |