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how can you love 2 at the same time?
I'm 30 years old, been married once at the age of 22 and got divorced after 2 years later. Since then i hd some lousy relationships, but not the last one, we've been dating for 1 year and 7 months now, we had our ups and downs but the result was amazing he's perfect ..he take cares of me and we started to think about future and introduce each other to our parents, our friends and he was always there all the plans for our future all the joy and happiness was there.. Till 2 days ago , we had some conversation that blurred my thoughts, that i couldn't sleep the night, then at 5 am i went through his phone.... YESSS i know it's really terrible and totally not me, but i was right, my intuition was right as always been, i wrote a chat with on of his friends, that he was saying something that i couldn't take (Elen) out of my mind ,i froze and scroll up and it was all there, things i didnt imagine i could ever read ,things like'' I CAN'T DECIDE" ..
He's been doing some thinking, the girl was his ex they had 4 years relationship i still don't know the details ,i searched her on facebook couldn't find her there was alot of Elens, then opened Messenger and i opened the first one, She was it, she was her, all the messages you can't even imagine what was there, they were seeing each other he was convincing her to give him another chance, that he could do anything to give her all the things she needed financially and emotionally , the girl was needing some time because its a serious decision to make , then she's been ignoring him max.. the thing is that he's been saying to me the same things, all the promises all the plans , i woke him up and told him everything , he was surprised and he was begging me to listen which i did the opposite yelling crying out loud i was in pain, then he said it was a plan , a plan just to make her go away she use to cut his wrists a couple of times and he felt responsible for that and decided to make a plan and not telling me because he was sure i couldn't understand him..i told him to go away and since then he was begging me, my close friends just to listen to him , but i know he's lying he's totally lying i know that... i know he loves me and he was lost i know that because i saw the chat with his friend that was saying June, which is me ,,was everything that i needed but the comfort that im searching i see it with Elen and we understand each other with one look...he can't decide which one of us he wants..
He keeps following me everywhere, he's down my apartment now an its like that since then, i don't know what does he expecting, and im still living my shock. What should i do?
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First in your title is the question, can a person love 2 at the same time? The answer is yes but not under the situation you are explaining.
The one I speak of is called Polyamory meaning many loves and is not to be confused with Polygamy in which one man has many wives but those wives can not have other men, just him. Then there is Monogamy is which two people commit to each other when they are in love with each other and neither sees anyone else.
Those who do practic polyamory, and I know quite a few and believe I coould be capable of it as well and my husband feels the same but neither of us has ever met anyone else and we are not looking either. We are happy if it continues to be just us. So I have studied and know that it takes some responsibility to be poly. For one thing, there is no secrecy and hiding one lover from another. Before another is brought into the fold, the one who wants to add someone has to go to their core relationship person, like a married couples mate or a commited couple in for life and they ask if it would be okay. It is an agreement come to by all. There is more I could say about polyamory but it is rare and some who say they are, have noidea what they are doing and to them its only another sexual outlet, cheating or being a swinger. Again, like with poly, if a person is a swinger, they tell that FIRST to any possible new love interest to see if they are okay with it.
Its all about being given the choice. With you, this guy is not giving you a choice to say yes or no to the idea of him being with both of you if he can't decide on one. You believe he can't decide because there could be the slight possibility he is in love with both of you.
I will state that there are different kinds of love you find with couples. One is more of a love of certain traits or aspects of them. This is usually on a subconscious level where the person doensn't realize they do not truly love the other to the point of giving their life for the other. They don't love the whole person, only a few things about them and that is not the kind of love that will sustain a relationship life long. The other love is not loving a person but being in love and yes I had a psychologist tell me it is so. THis kind of love puts the needs and feelings of the other person first. You treat each other as if they were a precious treasure, and you take care of each other as if that were so. There is more to describe a true being in love.
But again,I must say that it doesn't sound like your guy has that with either of you. On one hand, I can see how a person might try to juggle two relationships rather than give one up because most of society believes in monogamy and there is little to teach people what other options there are. He could be so afraid of both you females reactions that he decided not to tell and just make a decision and break up with the other.
I have questions about your guy myself. For one, she was his ex. That means he left her for a reason. Unless his emotions bounce all over the place, back and forth, and he didn't mean to break up with her, then there had to be some very good reasons for him to break up with her and realize she is not the kind of person he could live life long with. As you said, he begged her to give him another try. Apparently she dumped him. While it could be over something small and insignificant, it is more likely it is a bigger issue with him. And if not him, then she has some pretty big problems herself personally. And if that was the case, I don't see why he'd want to go back to her. Then he tells you that she cut his wrists a couple of times. Even if you meant she cut her wrists, that spells emotionally unstable. She needs professional help and being in a relationship with some one like that is not going to be a good one at all, it will have ups and downs and more downs.
When he says one person is everything he needs, he may not be understanding that it isn't true.
Let me explain. First the foundation for a rewarding successful long term relationship is that each person is the others best friend. the second is that you both are sexually attracted and each others sexual equal. the romance and sex is great and you both like the same things and have the same kind of libido, which is both wanting the love as often or both as infrequent as each other. there is no right or wrong amount, only that both have a need for the same amount.
the problem in the world today is too many people get married to only a lover or only a best friend but don't have both in the same person. It is critical that both are there in one person. With him saying "with Elen we understand each other with one look" that is a trait I feel falls into the friendship catagory. I know of females with female best friends who know each other that well but there is no romantic love between them and they are not gay. But you will see this trait in a healthy marriage because besides the romance and sex, there is the stuff of friendship mixed in.
He may have only friendship with her, and that would leave only romance and compatible in sex wiht you. Here is where he is confused, wanting both, but not figuring out it has to be in one person instead of getting it all using two people.
She may not have the right pheromones/chemistry to be his lover, and you may love him sexually but are missing many of the aspects of Friendship. Please realize I am only trying to guess here. You may be actually everything, terrific friend and lover all in one. I am just saying that is the only real reason why a person can't decide between two people. If you are both friend and lover, then for some reason, he is not seeing or recognizing the friend part in you and you don't want that to go on your whole life if by some freak chance he drops her totally and says he's committing to you. He will be doing so only out of sheer willpower and not powered by the heart and head knowledge that you are both for him. Therefore, there is always a chance with him that he may go looking for a female to be his best friend and cheat on you in the future. You can talk with him but try to keep a rein on your emotions and temper and just try to hear what else he has to say. If you feel there is more that you really can't sort through but think it may shed light on what to do, you can always write in again wiht that and if you write to me, find dragonflymagic under search for columnists at the left. Go to my site and write from there or I won't be able to answer. If nothing earth shattering happens to teach him what he needs to know, like the stuff I told you and how we need a partner who is both friend and lover, then he will not be able to make a wise decision. You have heard from me and now its time to make your own decision based on what I said. He may not be lying in what he says, just terribly confused and that can make him look wishy washy and one who can't be believed. You did say the ex doesn't want anything to do with him. It may be nothing more than him not knowing how to stop thinking about the ex. I know of plenty of females who write asking me how they can stop thinking of ex boyfriends even though they now have the perfect man. Yes, there is a way. But he is not the one asking so I can't help him if that is what draws him to her even though she seems done with him if ignoring him...cus thats not what you do when you love someone, you workout it not ignore. I can't make the decision for you but I have given you some things to think about.
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