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Is chatting on sex sites cheating
My 54 y/o husband has been on fetlife for 7 years ( I 42, had no idea).. I recently hacked the account after I found out he tried to pay 300+ women to secretly seduce me. (Im not in any way a lesbian) He comments on hundreds of womens photos in very sexual ways. He has been trying to hook me up with women behind my back for 16 years. It is an absolute obsession. Over the years he has had horrible behavior.(sexting coworkers) etc.. I know the whole til death do us part but im so tired..everywhere weve been he would try to plan for craigslist, backpage,fetlife girls to meet us, on vacation, our local bar, I had no idea.
several women I know were all in on trying to play this game with him. Facebook friends I accepted were checking me out after seeing my nude photos he put on fetlife! I feel like Im in the twilight zone. I feel like if I dont have sex with a woman he will never stop. I feel assaulted. Help..
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He has no respect for you. This sounds almost the same as another recent message I answered. So this time I looked up the history. I read your posts from way long before I started on advicenators. The site keeps messages from same user as a history but it is still anonymous to me. All I know is that this has been going on since 2008 or so.
Previously you were divorced and had 3 kids with ex. You got engaged and shortly after found him communicating with an 18 yr old. His new wife was sexually inappropriate with your children and abusive to him as far as you knew. Then Sept 2012, you state he went to counseling for sex addiction a year ago which would be Sept 2011 and you saw no improvement, he only got worse over the years. You did some digging and found accts he made as a female and as a male giving sex advice out. While I have no issue with giving out sex advice, since most asking are young or teens, I let them know that since sex educations has been taken out of schools, they will have to study and self educate and I try to steer them to things they can read or watch on the computer to learn.
In all of these, you are confused, hurt and shivering with disgust that he has gone behind your back, trying to match you up with other women and paying them money to do so. this I assume is not a two account household but both paychecks combined to handle all bills as the majority of households do. So he is spending money on things that you and he have not agreed on ahead of time, no matter what he is spending it on.
Today, I see something that clues me in as to why you haven't divorced him a long time ago.
"I know the whole til death do us part but im so tired"
Aha I thought, that I can relate to. See, I had strong beliefs, due to what I heard from the church I went to, that a marriage is forever, til death do you part, just as you said. Based on that little piece, the opinion shared around church was that God hates divorce. Hate is a strong word. I think He may be disappointed but there are always other situations in which a person can learn what it is they need to learn in a lifetime. So I was determined to hang in there and as I was told, "Let God Heal my Marriage". My situation differed from yours but was really bad just the same. He was verbally abusive and had some mental illness, where the foremost incorrect thought he had that colored how he conducted himself his whole life was due to a self prophecy he created when a child, hearing Drs tell his Dad that his Mom might
recover but she might also die. It didnt matter that she survived to raise him, in his distorted thoughts, he felt if Mom could leave him, abandon him, that all women in his future that he had relationships with, would leave him. He treated girlfriends that way. They all left. Then he met me and the only reason I stayed 30 years is because of what I had learned in the church. Even if not attending church, lots of these basic concepts are still believed and upheld by many non church goers.
So what my ex would do, is treat me so horribly that any female would never stay around to take more abuse but leave. He was trying to self fulfill his own prophecies for his life, which is a pretty messed up way to live one's life, same as what your husband is doing. That is equally messed up.
This will be quite a bit longer because I know what to do here, that is to share everything that I heard and learned along the way, that helped me get to a decision making point and what happened after. So instead of telling you what you should do, I will share what I did and you can decided if the same shoe fits you and you wish to go the same way.
So bare with me as this will be long but I know you need to hear it all.
I have no freaking idea why he wanted to marry me if sex and romance is a considering factor because he was never in love with me (he admitted this to a counselor near the end) and we were also sexually mismatched. Since he did not love me, he did not care if I ever orgasmed which I never did with him. Add to that, he had a low libido, sex once every two weeks was good enough for him and I would rather want it a couple times a week but of course never got it. So end result, as time went on, he was frustrated, because he wasn't getting fulfilled, no excitement or passion.There is NRE, new relationship energy which feels even stronger than the real thing, a very heightened excited feeling a person gets at the beginning of a relationship, but like a desired Christmas toy that wasn't perfect to hold your attention for long, after a short while, it no longer holds your attention. That I believe is what drew us together. Now I know if a couple waits until the NRE wears off, they will know better if they are right for each other or not. 3 kids later and some tragic stuff one year of his best friend dying and his Dad almost losing his life, he began to question his faith. I was always close to God, even heard from God and knew when it was my thoughts or God talking in my head. I didn't question life but the ex did. A year previous, after hearing a lesson at a womans retreat about asking god what he wanted you to do in life, I asked Him in prayer time. His answer was not really an answer, all I heard was "If I told you right now what I want you to do next, you would think you were hearing from the devil, you are not ready yet." Very cryptic, but I didn't question it. So when in seeking answers on line, one link led to another and my husband stumbled across Christian polyamory. You can look up the word and practiced but basically its having 'more than one love'. When He told me he'd like to do this with me, my internal reaction was 'Oh Hell No!" But before I could say anything, Gods voice interrupted saying, "This is the thing I told you I couldn't tell you yet a year ago, the next thing I have for you to do." I heard the expression of having the rug pulled out from under you, but this was what it felt like. I was so sure of Gods voice that I decided to do it, not because the husband thought he wanted it, but because God mentioned it. This is the phase of where I learned in a swing club, with experiences with many other men, that I could have orgasms, that sex was something very different than the pitiful stuff I had with the husband. They list rules at the beginning when you go, one is that this is not a venue for fixing broken marriages. I realized I was not married to the right person for sure in the sexual area. The two things that make a solid foundation for a marriage is being each others sexual equal. The other is being each others best friend. I already knew he didn't treat me like a cherished friend, or wife and now my eyes were opened to see that there is indeed something better because I had never been with anyone but him. One of the couples we met, used to be a counselor and as we became close friends, he saw the real issues in my husband and suggested he go for counselling. He went a couple of times hoping to fake me into thinking he was going and getting better when he was overheard saying it was a ruse, that there was nothing wrong with me, only me and the counselor didnt see it. WHen I heard that, it was one more thing to convince me I was with the wrong man. So when I prayed to God about it, he said, "You have been waiting for me to heal your marriage. In order to do that, I would need to take away his free will, and force him into becoming a wonderful husband. That is not what I do. He has a free will and has had almost 30 years with you to shape up his act but he has broken all of his vows he made on his wedding day. He does not love you, he does not treat you with honor and respect, and he does not cherish and treasure you. His consistent actions prove all this. And the part of 'in sickness and in health', he also did a poor job, lacking any compassion for you and only complaining if you had a headache, a pain, the flu and you had to still wait on him, not him on you. Since he has broken or never kept any of his promises, you are automatically released from yours." It made sense, in business, if a person does not hold up to their agreements, they will be let go, fired. But we have been taught that it doesn't apply to marriage. According to God it apparently does.
Also, the stress of daily verbal abuse had to go somewhere. In most abused women, it affects their mind and emotions. In me, it affected me physically with practically any stress caused affliction there is, rashes, ulcers, migraines, and daily headaches. I look back at photos and I looked like an empty shell of a person. I talked to a couple of friends about how it was affecting me. One friend said what I needed to hear. "You need to think of yourself first. It is not a selfish thing when you do what you have to do for yourself first in this kind of situation." That gave me hope. Then I heard God add, "Yes, it is not a selfish thing. Think of the verse where it says to love your neighbor as yourself. People see the word neighbor before they see the 'yourself' and assume they must love others first and leave the remainder for themselves. But that is all wrong. As yourself, that part right there means you have to be loving yourself first before you can truly love others. Think of yourself as a garden hose that is kinked up or has a clog in it. When that is the case, water can't flow through it right? (I'm a gardener, that's why He used that for an example) I want you to 'water' others with my love which is supposed to flow through you. However it can't if there are blockages that need to be taken care of or leaks." That made sense and had me entertaining the thought somewhat of not living the rest of my life with him although I still thought of it as sometime in the future. Then one day God asked me, "Do you love yourself fully, 100%?" I was quick to answer with a smile, of course I do, I love myself. God then says "You do love yourself a bit but not 100%" I was confused. I don't understand I said. "You love yourself up to a point. Loving yourself also includes what you allow yourself to be exposed to and you have not protected yourself from the abuse but allowed your husband to treat you bad from day one and every day since, it hasn't changed, and yet because you choose to stay, you are the one hurting yourself, allowing someone to hurt you when you could just leave." Wow! That revelation got me thinking hard. So I asked myself, could you stand more of the same behavior from him for another month? Yeah, thats easy, I'd been doing it for 29 years. How about another year of the same. Ugh, a year is a long time but yeah, I could muddle through somehow. Then I asked myself and imagined another 5 or 10 years and I got so upset, thinking of having to put up with his behavior for another 5 or 10 years or til the day I die, that I knew I had to get out. Then at a Shaman meditation class I took, we were to meditate and only share if we wanted, something that we got.
In meditation, now that I had decided that I had to work towards leaving him, I saw a ceremonial ribbon like the ones someone cuts to open a new business or some such thing. The thing is, one end disappeared inside my solar plexus (stomach area) and the other end to his. When I asked what I was seeing, I saw a large pair of scissors floating in the air. And I was told that in my marriage, there was a bond between us, more energy and emotions than the physical. If I was serious about leaving him, I had to picture myself cutting that ribbon, severing forever the bond we had. There is no going back if you do so, you will be planning to leave and thus sever the bond physically as well. This was so I could be really sure I wanted to do this. I cut the ribbon. When I came awake after my vision, I felt better. It already felt like a load off of me.
Things progressed through the year and he had no idea what was coming. I put down my pride and asked dozens of women at work if they had a spare room or a downstairs where I could live for a while to get out of an abusive marriage. No one did but I was surprised how many were on a 2nd marriage and had escaped a first and abusive one as well and they encouraged me to not give up. Finally, friends out of state said I could come stay with them and youngest daughter who was still a minor and the others were out of the house already.
Another friend who lived in low income houseing said I could stay for a week. I told the ex that he would have to take the kids on vacation for the weekend himself. While he was away, I moved only things that just mine into boxes and took them to store at my friends. The only thing I did not have yet was my computer. He did not notice anything missing as I only packed the clothes most important to me. When he got back, I asked him about what he'd said before he left, that when he got back, we could discuss a divorce. Now he said he would never do that and I would never get anything. So I turned around went to the bedroom and packed one final lawn size trash bag of clothes and he offered to help me, thinking I was not serious! In that last moment, he still didn't love me. He was upset when I didn't return. I took a day off work to create my own bank account at a different bank with money some friends gave me for that purpose. Gave work notice I would be leaving end of week since I was going out of state. I was desperate to get away. All in all, I was gone a year before eldest daughter wanted me back to live with her while her husband was away for job and her first baby was due soon. A year after I got back I met the man who became my second husband. I had learned other things along the way and knew I could spot potential trouble in a possible mate if I dated. And I was tested with one I lived with that lasted only 3 1/2 months before he left me hanging with a lease I couldn't afford, all because I wouldn't bend to his will, yes, he snuck past my guard but my lesson to learn was not to stay because I worried about a place to live and would chose that over how he treated me. I am sure if I hadn't learned what I was supposed to learn, I would be like those women who marry 3 or more times always asking, why is it that the creeps are always attracted to me. And it would have continued to happen if I hadn't said no and told him to change his tune or it was over. He simply left without any warning. Because I had been tested so that for my benefit, I knew I had really learned to not put up with bad behavior for the trade off of a roof over my head and food in my stomach,and so, a year later, I met my now husband. He is everything the ex was not, he is one exceptional man that a woman rarely comes across. He is not a male to lord it over the female but he feels all females are Goddesses and as such, mans role is to support and uphold whatever it is they wish to do or bring forth. That is like night and day, a very big difference and I feel if I hadn't learned what I did, and made the choices I did to leave a man who never honored his vows or cherished or loved me, then I would never have met him. And life is so much better, in fact it is fun. My children all say I look and act so much happier than I had been when they were growing up. To hear me laugh whole heartedly, they still make a big deal of it, mentioning how they love to see me laugh, something I rarely did before.
However, since you have children, you may want to consider what they are seeing, even if you think they don't know details, kids will know when something is up and when their father does not love their mom, doesn't treat her as if he is so deeply in love and doesnt cherish her like a treasure. All my kids have troubles with relationships today. The oldest married 3 times and last one is likely a sociopath as his dad is a psychopath with a previous record. The middle one won't marry at all, is totally against it I guess to avoid getting stuck and won't have kids at all and the last got married to someone who is a good Dad as far as I could see but has issues and treats her somewhat indifferently. She is supposed to support him while all decisions are about what makes him happy, not her. I haven't witnessed verbal abuse, but I can tell from how she shuts up when he 'corrects' her spoken words if it doesn't agree with his and that is wrong. She fell for a man quite a lot like her Dad. I am so sad to see and have to live with the reminder of how their Dads behavior affected them. So in this, you have to think of your kids too. Even if older kids or teens, they still need to witness a man cherishing you and treating you with love, respect so they can see there is a difference. I hope that something I shared will resonate with you. Your husband doesn't sound like he wants to change. He can attend sex addiction counseling for the rest of his life but if he doesn't want to change deep inside and feel this has to stop, then he won't just like my ex who went but felt he had nothing wring with me. The psychologist felt he had some kind of mental illness if he could not see after working with him, that he had serious distorted thinking. Your husband could be denying it or seriously feels he is normal and that there is something wrong with you. I am betting this is the case so its why I feel he will never improve or if he does, it will be near the time of his death bed, and thats a long time yet for you to put up with this. In private, the psychologist explained to me that some people even if they want help and change, will take longer to change the older they get. Change is hard for humans so often it can take a very long time, happen close to the end of life, more out of regrets or never happen. I was already so tird of it all, as you say you are. I know it takes guts to do what I did, and change my life. If you decide to do the same, I can be there for you along the way to encourage. I can't write to you unless you write to me first by going straight to my own column. Search under advice columnists on the left and find Dragonflymagic, that's me. And your post will go only to me. After a second marriage that went south, I can imagine having a fear of this happening again, especially if you are not sure how to avoid it other than never having a relationship, never dating again. But I did it and can tell you I was so very sure once I learned what I share with others, that it was so easy. I found I could see warning signs a guy might have hidden the first two dates but at some point they get comfortable, think they have you fooled and do something stupid and very telling. So truly, if you decide to leave, now that you've heard a different perspective on wedding vows, let me know. If you write again to the general advisors here asking for help, I will not reply that time, because there is nothing else that can be said. He won't change, so you have to do something different.If in 16 years he hasn't changed, he won't. I waited til 30 years before I left. You don't have to wait as long, you are tired of it now. What he needs is a bisexual women who wants to do swinging with him, who enjoys both men and women. The fact that he has been trying for years to change a straight women into a bisexual one is enough to show he has something wrong with him mentally too if he did n't learn in the first year.
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