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Should I sort things out?
Me and my ex haven't really talked since he got married we have daughter together and his has two kids with his wife. I get the feeling he hates me and wants nothing to do with me sometimes he says hello or if I talk to him it like the conversation is forced on my part. He has never said he hates me I guess it just a gut feeling cause we been though alot. I really would like to sort all of this out with him but I am not sure if it's a good idea or bad idea? And cause it's been so long that we properly talked I don't know what to say to him can any one please give me some advise on what I should do
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
YOu said "I get the feeling" he hates me. I am not focusing on the feeling. Any feeling can show up, saidness, happy, love. The issue is how the feeling got there in the first place. Humans are created with a brain, a mind that does all sorts of things, plenty that we are totally unaware it has capability to do. In this case, for you, the feeling of hate, would not be there unless you were over thinking about him and not able to stop.
Our subsconcious mind also is a part of this.
Unknown to your conscious or awake mind, your subconscious is paying attention to what you think about most and assumes (even if its bad or you want to stop focusing on it) that the more you think and entertain thoughts about him, the more it must be very important to you. Since you have chosen anger and hate you think he has for you, whether true or not, the sub. mind will do everything it can to bring up those thoughts more and more, believing this is what you really want to feel. If he has married, then he has moved on, there is likely nothing he feels needs to be said. If there was, he'd have told you, what ever it was. Part of moving on is starting a new life. When you have a marriage partner and kids, your life revolves around that and your job and anything you spend your time on goes first priority to spouse and then kids. Now the fact he has a child with you, in most cases, folks get a court decree where there is child support for that child and something showing who has custody or if there is joint custody or visitation rights.
So the only contact you should be having with him should be to arrange with both your schedules, time for him to spend with his child, not with you and your child, just time with his child. For whatever reasons, that I don't know of, a relationship between you two did not work out. More often, it is not due to one person or the other doing something so terrible that the other wants out and breaks up. Even if someone is irritated easily or angry at their partner, the anger and irritation is not what brings about a split but the fact that there is not enough chemistry between them. When there is little to no chemistry, you can only coast so far in a relationship before one or both realize they are not happy or some start picking on the other and fighting. But the fighting isn't due to any one thing that can be labeled as detrimental to any relationship, nope, its just the missing chemistry and often, people do not put two and two together and are forever wondering what they did wrong when they did nothing wrong. In fact, pheromones, as in animals, will attract a mate. In humans, our mind gets in the way. Often we see someone we find attractive and that is all we think we need to base a relationship on and that is so very wrong...because it won't work, thats only half of the recipe. There is pheromone chemistry in humans that make for the romance and attraction and if missing, neither is interested at all in the other. There is also chemistry as in friendship. There are people who've wanted to be friends with me, but I don't feel the friendship and just can't stand them. Their behavior, how they talk, how they do anything in life, just irritates me. I am telling you true from my own life and have such a person pushing their supposed friendship on me. I am not responding overly like a best friend, just being civil but not excited about the same things that excite her because frankly, it bores me. A better way to say it is feeling like I am a HS student with the kindergartner next door always showing up, following me around like a lost puppy dog, wanting to be my friend and calling me her friend even though I have not done anything to show I feel friendship in return. Plus there is such a great difference between kindergartner and HS teen that there couldn't be a real true reciprocal relationship with such a person. So there is that kind of chemistry too.
So even if everything was good in bed, I don't want you thinking he must have been mistaken. A successful relationship takes both the chemistry of romance and desire plus the chemistry of best friend friendship. Sometimes, one person feels something for another but the other does not feel it in return, as in my case of a female around my age who feels friendship and I wish she would drop out of my life. She has done nothing wrong, same as you have likely done nothing wrong. I am simply not on the same wavelength as her and what is important to her world is not exciting to me. I can say I did show excitement over seeing my kids grow up and reach milestones, things I had long since done, the been there done that thing. But that was a mother child relationship, not the peer to peer relationship. So don't feel you or he did something wrong, that he is angry. It was most likely not having enough chemistry and that is something you can't change about yourself. You will be wrong for one person and oh so perfect for someone else.
If I were you, I'd talk to him only about whether he wants to see his daughter and take her on 'father daughter outings' or not. It will be his loss if he doesn't wish to carve out time. You focus on dealing with your feelings. And next time a thought of him pops up, speak aloud for the benefit of your subconscious mind, telling it you don't wish to have him be the foremost thought anymore, that it is over, he's married someone else and you want any kind of feelings, love, hate, whatever concerning him to stop. YOu will have to repeat this many times a day for a week or so until your subconscious mind is retrained to stop focusing on him. If you think this sounds stupid, I did this after a man who was separated a long time, had a relationship with me, fell in love and his ex came back saying she changed her mind, wants to go to counseling and work on the relationship. He left me because they had a longer history together. I had to employ this trick to stop thinking about him. It doesn't mean he pops into my thoughts every once in a while. MayBE I see someone with the same shaped face and hair and it reminds me of him and I hope he is doing well. We have lost touch so we don't even chat on the internet anymore. Too many new phone numbers for me and he hardly ever used the computer. But I am content because I have found my 2nd husband I hope to spend the rest of my life with. We have such great chemistry that life is so fun and there is no room left to dwell on past relationships.
So I hope you also find your perfect chemistry mate, one who will love your daughter as his own.
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