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Should I move in with my boyfriend?
For insight, our age are 24 and 26 and we both work full time so money isn't an issue. We've only been together about a month and a half, which is the majority of the problem, but he really wants me to move in with him. He has a 3/3 apartment and his two roommates just moved out a few months back leaving just him and his cat. I have a 4/4 with 3 roommates, but where I live they rent out by room so I could just sublease out my room and bathroom. I would be paying the same amount of rent if I were to move in with him that I do here, but I would have a much bigger space in a safer area and not have to worry about unfamiliar roommates moving in and out.
He said I could have my own room for my things and space and we would just sleep in either my room or his, which is nice. He's also mentioned of course it would be good for us financially since I would be paying part of his rent and lessening his bills, but keeping mine the same with a much nicer living area.
He's said I could have my friends or family over and they could sleep in the 3rd bedroom when they visit, which is a big plus for me. He also said I could redecorate however I want, which I love. Of course I also like the idea of us being able to spend more time together.
In general, I really like him, it's the healthiest relationship I've ever been in and we've yet to even argue about anything. He makes me incredibly happy and I see my future with him, but it just seems so soon. We talked about me keeping my place for a month while we try it out so that I don't feel like I don't have a place to return if I want to.
I still worry though because right now I'm at a fork in the road with a few things. During summer vacation I've been working two jobs, but now my classes start back up on the 20th. My issue is I like and make more money at my second job, but that's the job my boyfriend wants me to quit because I work 6/7 nights a week including weekends which he hates because he only has weekends off and wants to spend time with me then instead of squeezing in time together during the day on the weekends and one evening a week. I can support myself off either, but I'd rather quit my day job and find one to replace it before leaving my night job. Right now though I still have no idea what I'm doing with my job situation or which job I'll leave when classes resume, which causes it's own stress.
I worry about what our friends and family will think. I worry about what's going to happen when I get my monthly and want to be alone or get crabby. I worry about him not liking me as much when we're together every night. I worry about him getting bored of me. I worry about what happens when I want to eat/do one thing and he something else. I've always been very independent and like to do my own thing. I worry about what might happen if we get along the first month, I sublease out my apartment, and then say 3 months later if we break up where I'm going to go?
However, these may also be nonsense worries since none of them have been an issue thus far. It could be very beneficial to both of us to move in together if I ignore my worries and really solidify our relationship, but I feel like there's unspoken rules about doing that and one of them is usually not to move in with somebody early on.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
A month and half is not enough for most people because they go out to movies or a noisy restaurant and the dates are infrequent, once a week if that. That is not enough time to really get to know a person. However, there are always exceptions to the rules. Second time around, after a divorce, I was looking for someone permanent to be in my life till I die. I had a list of what I was looking for in a guy, and much thought went into it. By how you wrote, I know you'd be great at making a list and it can help you clarify if he is the one for you. YOu also need to be able to tell him what you are looking for like for example, a guy who wants to marry as soon as he is sure that you are the one for him and a guy who also wants kids if you do. These kinds of things may seem odd and presumptuous to bring up early on but it is the best way to not waste time with a guy who would be a waste of time.
Back to me as an example. We met in online dating site. We did not spend time on line but traded numbers and took it into the real world as soon as we could. He wrote on Sat and I responded. He didn't see my message til Sunday night and wrote back giving his number as well, asking me to call on Monday during the day. From writing on line, he knew I lived and worked in the town he worked in. I was doing care-giving part time afternoon-evening. He was a delivery driver and had the same route, mostly businesses. So when I called, He said he could meet me to talk for his 15 minute break if we could time it for right before I had to start. He was there when I arrived. I greeted him with a hug. We had just the 15 minutes but could tell from being in each others presence that there was chemistry. We talked every night once we got home til midnight. He was busy the following Saturday but invited me to his place on Sunday. He had a teen daughter the age of my youngest daughter. From that Sunday onward, I went there every other day for the next two weeks, no going out dates, just lots of talking. Well, there was more but I had to make the first move to kiss and more. A month later, I was moving in with him. Of course we were older, had previous marriages that didn't work out and we'd learned from them what we really needed and wanted. If you spent a lot of time talking and it all sounds good so far, then the next logical step IS to live together. This is a more in depth way to learn about each other. Things easily hidden, can't be when living together. This now covers stuff like how you act during your period, and how he treats you when he is sick, tired, grumpy, stressed, upset, etc. My ex dumped on me and verbally abused even more at those times. If he can tell you, Hey I need some time to unwind cus i had a bad day and don't want to snap at you...then that is a good thing. And it is something you would not have learned living two separate places. Does he clean up after himself or is he hoping you'd play maid and mommy as well as girlfriend if you live there? You did say there were some good points to it. Maybe its time to talk to your Mom, let her know about this and let her know that since he's the best guy you've met so far, you want to live with him since he has opening where he lives, and this doesn't mean you're a step away from getting engaged, you only need to know if he is still as good a guy once living with him and if it doesn't turn out, you would leave him and probably need a place to stay until the room you sublet comes to an end and you can move back in there. If you knew everything was okay on the parents end with that, then you are free to try living with him.
Now I will share what can help you to confirm he is the right one, lists you create over time and compare any guy with, including him. Here it is:
How to find Mr. Right or Ms Right
I went through this search in my late forties after an almost 30 yr marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.
First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, to really describe yourself, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. Or hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.
So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?
I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grandkids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.
Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenerios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.
Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be “I want a guy who wants to have kids” “I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry” “I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief” “I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.” “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user”.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn' t matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. This helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....
Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.
The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the critieria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.
I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
Hope this helps you. This is a lot said and yet there is so much more detail to share. So ask me if you have questions.
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