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He has been hurt really bad and its getting to me
Hi 18/F and my bf is 27. I know this is a huge age gap but that's not the problem. My bf was in a really bad relationship a few years back. It lasted about 4 years but it was so baf he used drugs to get rid of his feelings and he was emotionally abused by his father alot. My heart is really small and I always try not hurting other people. I try to give him the TLC he needs but he shuts me out as soon as we're not togheter. I know this was going to happen yet I cept going. Sometimes he makes me really sad and he doesn't realise how hard its on me. He always posted pics of his ex and said cute things but he doesn't even puts up a status for me on whatsapp .. its really getting to me .. please help ..
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This may be more one sided than you will believe.
For one thing:
He doesn't seem to be over his ex and any person who isn't over an ex is not ready for a new relationship. How do I know this? Because you yourself told me "He always posted pics of his ex and said cute things ..." We all may mention an ex from time to time as a memory comes up but when its all the time and he has nothing to say about you, thats a classic sign he's not over her.
Secondly: He needs counseling to learn to deal with past or current abuse. You said " he was emotionally abused by his father alot" and I can relate in a way as I was emotionally abused by my previous husband for 30 years. I know that it really can mess with self esteem and one creates coping mechanisms to get through another day but these coping mechanisms are not good for a relationship. He will not only have trouble relating to you but anyone and everyone he needs to deal with on a daily basis like coworkers and boss, or school mates/teacher if in college, and even family and friends.
Thirdly: I cant speak into what was 'bad' in the past relationship but more often one or both make terrible mistakes due to simply not knowing any better and not reading up on the how to's of relating in a male/female relationship. In my case, I wasn't the one creating most the problems but my problem was staying longer than I should have simply because I felt time might change things. And yes, time changed things but for the worse. What I did wrong was not to leave earlier, so if I say both he and her were at fault, it could simply mean he did not wake up and leave any earlier. If any of the problems were caused by him but he doesnt' realize it, then you have to know those relationship issues he carried into this relationship with you. ITs possible he feels like a failure because the relationship didn't work out and he's too hard on himself, not forgiving himself or what ever distorted mental processes he is going through that may be a product of the verbal abuse he got as a child growing up and most likely still is the case today as far as his dad is concerned. He could also be depressed that the relationship broke up and for whatever reasons she doesn't want him back. Depression doesnt go away on its own.
Fourthly: He made a bad decision by trying to just mask or cover up how bad he felt. Its the same like a drunk using alcohol to temporarily make him forget his troubles. Your guy just did it with drugs. And once sober again, he still had to face the things he is in the mode of running away from. He can't run away or hide. What he is doing is like slapping a bandage on an infected cut on your skin. Below the bandage, the infection just gets worse. A bandaid like drugs or alcohol are not the solution. By mid twenties is when most peoples frontal lobe of the brain is mature and that means able to make better decisions. He was probably not old enough yet to make better decisions for himself. He is now though and he needs to come to the realization that he needs professional help. I am not saying he is mental or needs medication, but he will need mental, emotional healing and learn how to dismantle any coping mechanisms and how to deal with distorted thinking/thoughts and be able to recognize them. That will be the start to a road of health and until he is on that road and getting better, he is not going to be able to be there for you.
If like my ex, he refuses to see that there is anything wrong with where he's at right now and not believe he needs professional help, then he will not improve and in that case, he will not ever be able to be there for you in the way a mate should be. He will not be good bf material until he gets all his issues dealt with and only then will you have a chance to see what the 'real him' is like and whether you two make a good fit.
I am sure this isn't what you wanted to hear. You love him and hoped there was a special TLC act you could implement that would change everything around but hon, thats not how life works. Humans are more complicated than that. All the TLC in the world will not get down to the real roots of the problem and if you've ever tried to dig up dandelions with the entire root intact and not parts left in the ground, you know how hard it is to do and its just as hard with humans. You can only support him in getting professional help since you do not have the professional degree to help him and then he still needs to be willing to get help. Many will not because they fear digging up hurtful things again. This may be what he will beleive. HOwever you can tell him that the brief period of hurt he needs to face with a professsional in attempt to become healed emotionally is very small in comparison to the rest of his life lived dealing with the same pain. Pain for a couple months or pain for a lifetime is the choice. If he gets help, then after treatment the rest of his life could be filled with joy and happiness.
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