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How to fix a broken relationship?
I will try to make this quick, but it’s a complicated situation.
I lied to my boyfriend. In retrospect it was so stupid to be insecure to have to lie, but I did it because when we started the relationship he was very insecure and jealous and would question every single friend I have. He would get mad and I would suffer because I just had eyes for him. (Granted my guy friends had crushes on me but I didn’t like any of them) and he would still get jealous about all of them and so angry whenever one would text me or bring up in conversation about a friend.
So I started avoiding telling him the whole truth, or I would twist things to not make it seem like I was hanging out with friends, only girls (even though it was innocent I didn’t do anything ever).
I also twisted the truth about my past because he would go into my pictures and ask about every single guy that he saw like did I sleep with him? And in just one case I had been with a guy and I told him I didn’t but he kept insisting later on asking over and over again every opportunity he would get so eventually I broke down and told him the truth. About everything, I told him because he kept saying that I have to be honest about things and he would understand etc. So when I admitted the truth about the past lies or alterations of the truth, it wasn’t all at once, it was one thing here then another thing there, and he always made such a big deal about every lie that I was afraid to tell him that I hid something else.
Basically now after the last one that is not a new lie it’s a small detail about an old lie I told that was different than what I said, he told me that I’m sick and I’m a compulsive liar and that he wants nothing to do with me. But he keeps telling me I need to fix myself at the same time he dumped me he doesn’t want to let me go.
I am so confused because I’ve never felt the need to have to lie to anyone before because no one has questioned me so scruciatingly about my past and my dark side and every single thing I was doing, so I don’t know how I became this “liar” in the relationship but I don’t want to be this Person because thats not me. I made mistakes because I didn’t want to lose him, is that understandable??? Forgiveable even???
Now I don’t know how to rebuild trust with him, he’s so afraid that I’m going to keep lying even though I decided I would be an open book, completely honest about everything but he keeps saying I broke us so much and he doesn’t believe a word I say.
I should add that I explained to him why I lied, and even though he told me he would be understanding he is not, he doesn’t believe that I was trying to avoid his jealousy and anger about situations, he thinks its because I was sleeping around. I have never not been true to him the lies I told were so insignificant I understand that doesn’t make it ok but I never cheated or dreamt of having any type of relationship with anyone else. I think that’s why I felt it was ok to tell small lies to protect us because I know I wasn’t doing anything with anyone I would just hang out with friends.
I know I was wrong, I just don’t know where to go from here. He’s not talking to me but he will call me at night or every now and then and we sit on the phone and we don’t get anything resolved cause I keep saying iI want to start over and he keeps saying I need to fix it and build trust again but I have no idea how or what to say to him or how to do this? I can tell he wants to be with me, but he wants me to “fix” it somehow and I don’t know how I can, or what actions I can do or take?
Please help how can I rebuild trust again? I’m done lying it is never worth it.
Is this a totally dysfunctional situation?
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I understand exactly where you are coming from. My boyfriend, Alex, does the exact same thing. I love him very much but I just do not know anymore. The best thing to do is tell him how you feel and suggest a "break" from each other. Do not ever lie to your boyfriend. Tell him the truth to avoid more conflict and if he keeps doing it then break up with him. I know it is not as easy as it seems but you will feel much better after you void him. I promise. I really hope I helped and thank you so much for taking the time to read this (if you did). Have a great day!
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Short answer, yes that is a totally dysfunctional situation.
To discover why, read on.
All you described of him, like grilling you about boys in pics with you, jealous of any male who texts , etc...means one thing....
He is insecure as a male, has low self confidence and the way he doesn't trust you, well bottom line means he is not a very good choice for boyfriend material.
This is not something that is guaranteed to change as he grows older. I have some life experience with that. I remember a male friend from high school whom I ran across waiting in a movie line. He had his girlfriend with him. Before he turned and saw me, he was chewing her out because another guy just happened to glance at her, not stare. She had not talked to anyone else, I was directly in line behind them. He was making it her fault that any male in public might look at her even a split second. This is verbal abuse and hints at possible disorders with the guy. I was newly married and a couple months after marriage, my husband too began to act unreasonable. It wasn't the jealous thing but he wasn't satisfied with anything I did. So I asked him what he wanted, and followed his directions exactly and when I proudly showed him how I'd done exactly what HE said to do, he would yell at me, call me names, stupid and it is unacceptable (even though he was the one who told me to do it.) I was in that situation where no matter what I did, the saying that goes "Damned if you do and damned if you don't" applied perfectly. There was no possible happy solution. Eventually, I learned over years he would only get worse. I suffered verbal abuse every day and got tired of trying to jump to his wim, I began to ignore him and let him fuss but do what I wanted. I did not defend myself or join in and yell when he tried to start verbal fights and that sometimes made him madder. At the end of the marriage, he went to counseling only in hopes it would make me stay, not believing anything was wrong with him and not intending to continue going, only hoping to fool me into staying with him, I overheard him tell his friends that.
So until your guy realizes he does have a problem that requires counseling and is willing to follow thru and improve, life will be hell and can only get worse. I also know that not all but a good amount of insecure men like this not only become verbal abusers but physical abusers.
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