|
Am I ready for a relationship?
I recently got into a relationship with someone I've been talking to for a couple of months. Lately I've been feeling very unsure of it and I don't know why. I hadn't been in a relationship in over 3 years so maybe I'm just not use to it and this is just too new for me. My dad is also not as open/happy about it which I think is also having a big effect on me. I think I might just miss not having to worry about anything involving a relationship, I was just more at peace being single. I do care about him and like him a lot but I find myself pointing out the flaws/cons about him to myself and I don't know why. Maybe I'm not ready for a relationship or maybe my dad's opinion is getting to me. What should I do, am I over thinking this? Thank you..
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I'll start with Dad. You did not say what reason he gives for not liking the guy. Then again, who knows if the reason he gives is the actual reason. Parents though have been on earth longer than their kids. Not all grown ups are mature but generally, the older we are, the more life experience we have and it could be he truly see's something that you can't, a potential problem later. Unfortunately many people can meet a person and instantly not like them even though the person hasn't said or done anything to warrant the bad opinion they seem to be getting. I know of people who never met me who instantly didn't want to meet me when a friend wanted to introduce us. It can be as simple as the person looks like someone from your own past who may have treated you badly, or their name is the same of such a person. Sometimes it is how they act or things they have said they believe or stand for...such as someone spouting racist stuff when your family is not racist at all.
So this is a big question in my mind.
Now on to yourself. I married at 20, or month before I turned 20. I felt so grown and mature then. Looking back, I now know I really did not have enough life experience or even dating experience to really be able to know what to look out for and no others to compare the guy against. He was the first to ask me out. THis was after Highschool. Unless the two in HS are both extremely mature for their age, I don't tend to like to use or compare any of those relationships to get an idea of what I want. I did finally mature and learned I was in a bad spot, married to a verbally abusive man. But my parents did not even see that. They actually liked him. He is still liked well enough when people first meet him but that wears off as they get to know him after months or a couple years, whether co workers, friends or new girlfriends, no one stays long. If my parents can be fooled, then even if your Dad did like him, that may not be the best indicator if the guy is someone trustworthy who will treat you well.
So it really falls to you to decide what it is you need and want in a relationship when you feel you are ready to date to start getting ideas of who fits the picture the best. Before that point, dating for you is best used as simply a social thing, not getting into a relationship and committing to be the girlfriend of only the one guy. It is better to get some experience of going out with several different guys with different temperaments, personalities, beliefs, manners, etc... so you at least have more of an idea of what you did like about one guy and did not like about another. Lets say you had a friend growing up who had an anger problem and you did not like having to feel like tip toeing around them trying not to upset them. You would be looking for a guy who does not anger easily, is pretty even tempered, and doesn't ever raise their voice to you. To give more an example, since my ex yelled at me a lot and humiliated me in public on purpose over and over, I had criteria, of course from learning the hard way, that I wanted the next man I meet to be even tempered, never raise his voice to me or cut me down verbally. It is another thing if he is upset with himself or fate and something going wrong and he is tired and just swears, "Ah shit, I can't believe this is happening again" which is yelled. I can handle that as it is not directed at me, and we all need that release valve to be able to let off steam when we are frustrated, just not dumping on the one we are supposed to love or using them as our verbal punching bad. Its one thing for me to tell you this but another when you experience the good, the so so and the ugly as you date. I do have a document I've written on how to find Mr. Right. But if you are not sure you want to be in a relationship yet, then you are not ready to commit to someone whether as girlfriend or future wife. And that is okay. But there is no reason that you can not date casually without promising to be just one persons girlfriend. If you find any guys don't want to go out with you or demand you date only them, then that guy feels threatened by other males, and its a sign he's insecure and its best to steer clear of them. Yes, I came across some insecure guys myself. So don't feel bad if a guy makes demands you are not willing to change for. a guy must like you as you are, not wanting you to change for him. Just date casually and for fun and quietly gather information about what you do and don't like in a guy. This will help you later when you feel ready to get in a serious relationship. Even then, we can think we've found a great guy but until a certain amount of time is spent around them, not just when they are in a good mood, but how they treat you when they are tired, sick or stressed should not change drastically. We all can be short with someone when not feeling good. However when my 2nd husband does that, he immediately apologizes and tells me its not me, that he isn't feeling well and I give him space, and he uses self control to not speak sharply again. Of course we are older, and I don't know if younger people often use self control. I see so many who do not. If you can, then seek a guy when ready who also knows how to use self control. If you have any specific question, just write and ask me. I know I've kinda rambled here.
]
More Questions: |