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Cheers Dragonflymagic for the advice about the guy friend flirting and wanting to take me to football. the thing is I reckon we both like each other and he does do a sex talk like oh, do you like oyster, oh, that lunch was better than orgasm, I say nothing in the world is better than orgasm, he also says you have a aphrodisiac skin you know that etc, but in a humourous way not in pervert way. he also told me you might meet my gf one day outside and I might meet you bf one day, I said I don't know probably, do I have to meet her he said well, if it's in the restaurant you're there and I was there with our partners of course, I said I can pretend I don't know you and we don't have to meet our Partners, he's like why, he also said she's a jealous gf plus he's got a kid with her but they have only been together for a few years. about me, I'm not that happy in my relationship like before because when we argue my bf says he don't love me enough and he does have a kid with his previous relationship which I understand and I love his kid but I'm just getting fed up now. I think my guy friend is not happy as well but he would not mention anything at all to me but just over a few weeks now he's been very flirty, talking slightly dirty which he never used to but flirty he always been and now he's said he would have stolen me from my bf if he was not with his gf. I'd say that's quite daring Dragonflymagic, don't you agree? that means he must be into me even in a slightest part. We hardly talk about our relationship though but we always delighted when see each other at University. Also, when we go to canteen after class he pays for my lunch and he says, 'don't worry I'm inviting you for lunch ok.' however, I'm sorry Dragonflymagic it's an awfully long story. I have a feeling that we have a some sort of connection or attraction between us. I think he's not entirely happy with his gf. what do you reckon? why would he talk like this? Do you think inviting me to football seem like a date or perhaps not? he don't label though but he knows that I'm into sports as much as him. please tell me what to do? thanks a bunch for your greatest advice! god bless you Dragonflymagic!
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Many guys have a kid with someone they are no longer with and no matter if they were dating, married or not, the only thing that requires him to pay child support is results of dna tests. So having a kid with her is no excuse. When people are not happy in a relationship, it's too easy for them to be tempted to look elsewhere, even doing so under the pretense of just flirting. The thing is that so far, he is all talk, erotic talk at that. The only guys I have ever heard of who constantly compliment, flirt and make sexual comments are either ones to whom being monogamous with their lady is not a high priority and they will constantly be looking for their next sexual partner, OR, They talk like they really want sex and whether they have a gal or not, are nothing but hot air and are too chicken to act upon their feelings. My husband worked for a while with a boss who would take anything we said and turn it into a sexual inuendo. You couldn't have a normal conversation with him. But I saw it for what it was, All bark, no bite.
To answer your questions about his behavior, I like to turn the tables and imagine how it would feel if the shoe were on the other foot, and by this I mean you needing to imagine you are with a guy you are really crazy about. He has a female friend. And this isn't to discover if you are a jealous sort or not, just whether it sounds proper or not. So your bf has a female friend. Would you feel okay if a friend saw and overheard him with the female friend and came back to you to report that he was flirting and talking sexual stuff with the female outrageously. How would you feel? Do you know that he is like this, joking around about sexual stuff "all bark no bite" with everyone, all people, to anyone who would listen and chuckle, male and female? If so, then you'd know its just his character and theres nothing to be concerned about. However, if he doesn't do this on a regular basis with lots of others, then you'd know he was singling out this female friend to flirt and talk sexual to. Would you be okay with him doing that? I can tell you that my own impression if it was my husband, then I would feel it to be totally out of order and wrong. NOw I am not against my man doing non serious flirting but he isn't like that. He is however a man who deep down inside believes men need to be supportive of all women but especially of the woman he has chosen to be his mate, she comes first. I am talking a single neighbor lady for example whose clothes line came down and noticed it and volunteer to fix it for her. It wasn't the female asking for help as a ruse to get close to him. He compliments women on their jewelry because he has an interest in beautiful stones and their settings. I am usually always with him and he does so with me there, and only once did one female clerk look scared as her eyes slid to mine to see how I was taking this 'my man complimenting her or hitting on her i think is what she thought. I slapped my hand over my mouth and had to turn away as I began laughing silently at the expression on her face. Your woman's intuition will let you know if it is harmless or he shouldn't be doing that. Its all about the intent of his heart. Thats also how God looks at us, not at a deed as only right or sin, but at the intent of ones heart. How about imagining he has tickets to a sport game. The proper thing would be to ask you first as his gf. If you say you really don't want to go, then if he asks if he can take a friend, a female friend to the game instead, would you let your sweetheart do so? In his case, it's not like a ticket going wasted unless he asks someone to come along. He knows he can get the seats no matter what, alone or bringing someone. It shouldn't matter if the friend he brings is male or female, wouldn't you agree? Most guys wouldn't ask or inform their ladys because of fear that they would throw a hissy fit and males are terrified of upsetting a gal so theres always the tendency to want to hide their intentions to avoid this, same with breaking up. A guy may no longer love a gal but be afraid of repercussions in saying he wants out. They are afraid of the tears and crying or maybe even vindictive behavior so they do nothing and just go looking on the side for the new gf and spend less and less time with their supposed partner. If it were me and it was an only one time thing that came up, tickets that would be wasted, I might go along. But this sounds more like a date, like him wanting to do something special with a girlfriend, taking her to a game. Some women like sports, some don't. Maybe she doesn't but you will understand soon whether to him this is a need for him or just a want. I explain this in the following document:
How to find Mr. Right
I went through this search in my late forties after an almost 30 yr marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.
First, how well do you know yourself? Though I used a dating site, 2nd time around, knowing yourself is important in selling yourself whether for a job position or the position of gf. Its easier said than done to describe yourself, your personality and who you are at core, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may sound promising. This is the kind of stuff you share at a first time meetup if a guy has asked to meet you, take you out. Forego the movie or busy date, just go to a coffee shop or restaurant where you can just sit and talk talk talk. Hopefully the guy will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. Or hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.
So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?
I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grandkids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.
Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenerios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.
Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be “I want a guy who wants to have kids” “I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry” “I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief” “I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.” “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user”.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and I realized he lied. He felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn' t matter. I met a few gus with the same kind of thinking. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. This helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....
Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.
The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the criteria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.
I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine them or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
Hope this helps you. This is a lot said. So ask me if you have questions. this should hopefully help you decide first whether to stay with current bf or not. Once single, then the next step would be to tell the male friend, (if he's talking the same to you but still with his girlfriend, 'what's holding you back? Either you are interested in me as more than a friend or not. I am now single and you still have left her and asked me out. If you do not intend to ever date me, then tell me so now because I am seriously planning on meeting and going out with several guys, either all at once or as I meet them, and just those that will meet my criteria for a partner. If you want to be someone I check out like that, you must be ready to cut it off if not happy with the gf. I can't promise this means we'll end up together, just that you must be single if I am going to check you out more in depth.' That will tell him where you stand and he will need to get serious and have some serious discussion with you and possibly make some decisions regarding his near future as far as searching for a right partner is concerned
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