|
humorist-workshop
will it ever stop?
I'm 19, and I've had a crush on the same guy (let's call him K) since I was 14. Last spring, he started dating a girl, and my heart was absolutely destroyed (he broke up with her last summer though). After that ended, I found myself still crushing on him, hard.
I've tried having crushes on other guys. Like, a guy will catch my eye with looks/personality, but every time I end up comparing him to K, and every time K seems superior in some way, so I never do anything about any of my other crushes.
Not that I've ever done anything about my crush on K. By now, I'm not sure I ever will.
But what I'm wondering is, will I always compare every guy I meet to K? Will they all fail the test? Will I stop crushing on K?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Crushing on someone and really knowing some one well are two different things even though some of the same feelings are involved hon. With a crush, ones imagination has to make up the majority of the information while with the other, enough time has been spent together to discover the things one can't learn from just observing the person in public. Even though it may be too early to you, to think about marrying, or you'd rather never marry, you will still want to know how to chose the best guy to date, the best for a future marriage or life long partner and father of any children you have. I didn't know what I will share with you next, when I was 20 and married the wrong person the first time around but stayed with him for almost 30 years.
So here we go with stuff that might help you to decide whether to try K or another guy. You won't find the right one the first time although a first boyfriend is always special. Without much relationship experience, it will be hard to come up with the the list of what you do and don't want in a relationship but with each relationship you will learn more and can add these things to your list and the list is what will help you to make the best decisions possible.
First, how well do you know yourself? It is helpful to a guy if you can tell him honestly who you are and what you are like in character, the good and the not so good. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, to really describe yourself, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. Or hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy. Why? Here's an example. I know a woman whose Dad was an abusive alcoholic and best the kids as well as wife. She still today can not stand the smell of alcohol cus it sends her into a panic mode all these years later. So if you can't tolerate that, it is one of the criteria you will have for a guy, that he not be a drinker, not even socially.
Besides ruling out negatives, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?
I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grandkids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.
Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenerios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.
Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you. (And this could mean 'right person for this period in your life and may change later)
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be “I want a guy who wants to have kids” “I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry” “I wanted a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief” “I wanted a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.” “I wanted a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user”.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn' t matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. This helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....
Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study. You may not be all that yet at 19 but it helps to know it and be shooting for it in time.
The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the critieria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This meant to me that maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.
I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls.(Or in your case, if no one has approached you, you will need to be brave and approach guys to check them out better and make the first move.) I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
Hope this helps you. This is a lot said and yet there is so much more detail to share. So ask me if you have questions.
]
More Questions: |