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Dating somebody new, am I seeing red flags or just paranoid?
In the past I've gone out with quite a few guys, but only seriously dated 3. Unfortunately I've run into some rough situations and now I feel like I'm a little paranoid and still kind of scared even though my last relationship ended early last year.
I started dating somebody new about a week and a half ago. We really clicked and have already gone on four dates. He was super polite, paid for everything, funny, and seemed to be everything I'm looking for (aren't they all in the beginning though).
We had an awesome date today and spent most of the day and night together. Then when he dropped me off at my home and it was time to say farewell he wanted me to invite him inside (past midnight). I didn't want to do that, because I knew what he wanted. Then he kept saying he wanted to spend more time with me and that he was wide awake, but I told him I was tired and cold and needed to wake up early to do work. He still kept me outside for an hour and kept kissing me and I was really bored and wanted to stop. I told him I really needed to go to sleep and he said "Well I can come to bed with you and just hold you." I laughed it off, but inside I was really aggravated and still am. I feel like men think I'm stupid and that I don't know that they want sex. What really drives me crazy is that we're not even official. Why would I have sex with somebody I knew for less than two weeks and wasn't even officially with?
Now I feel like the whole facade "honeymoon period" has been shattered. To make things worse the last guy I dated who was the same nationality as the guy I'm currently seeing coerced me into having sex with him way before I was ready by taking me to a location where I was alone with him and couldn't get away from him and then insisting on it even though I said no multiple times. I wound up breaking up with him as soon as I got back to a safe place, but he never understood what he did wrong. Since then I was in another relationship where the guy kept guilt tripping me into sex, would get increasingly angry until I gave in and then would blame me after. I'm so sick of men doing this kind of thing. I'm really upset now because I thought this guy would be different...
I don't know what to do now. I really liked him, but now I feel like he ruined it.
I also don't know whether maybe I'm holding the men in my past against him. It just sounded a lot to me like he was asking for me to invite him inside to have sex. Now in the future I'm going to be worried that's what he's always going to want. I know I could talk to him about it, but in the past when I've done this the men get offended and then it makes things awkward and we wind up not seeing each other again.
I feel like maybe I should just call things off now?
Help?
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I think you are doing just fine and your woman's intuition is steering you true. While some people unfairly blame a new person for something another person did in the past, the difference is the blameless one is doing nothing wrong, but the person you see a potential problem in, is actually doing behavior or saying things that clue you off that this may be a problem for him. And usually the first time you see a bad behavior, there is more where that came from. I'll explain more in a minute.
I see a red flag with his behavior. There is a rule that when the lady says no, that no means no. There is no wheedling, pleading or trying to force her to change her mind. So for one thing, he does not have good manners and is not a gentleman, secondly--he is thinking only of himself and what he wants. If this man were a good potential loving life long partner for you, then he would have been concerned when you said you were tired. He would have been more concerned that you get your sleep than getting his jollies through kissing and then trying to invite himself into your bed blatantly trying to say nothing would happen. If you didn't see this behavior at the start, the reason you see it after a couple weeks and with some people after a month or two, is because to impress another, we all tend to be on our best behavior. Those with very little of good characteristics will pretend to be someone they are not. It takes a great amount of personal energy to keep up a false facade. So as soon as the person believes they have you won over so you won't notice the bad behavior, they let the facade crumble and thats when you begin to get glimpses of the real character of the guy.
I don't know of a foolproof way to 100% always know right before even spending time with the person that there is a problem. Even the best of us can be fooled at first, happened to me, but if you keep on the alert, always looking at all his behavior to decide which is bad and which you like, that is part of why we get together with, hang out or date a person, to discover if they will make a good partner. If you spend lots of time with a new person like weekly, then you can easily see a potential problem within the short time you've known him. I had 3 different guys who showed their character flaws on the 2nd date already and we are talking older men cus this was after my divorce. So the first time you think you see a problem, don't react and jump down his throat or you would be judging by past experience.
But watch and wait to see if he hangs himself and repeats a bad behavior like not respecting your wishes and then at that point, it is best to split up with the guy. And yes, there are some men that ignorant who never grow up and will never see that they were in the wrong. So to safely break up with them, I wouldn't give the real reason as that will only make them angry and you might then get harassed in the future. Best to let them think that you just don't feel any 'chemistry' together with him or if you've been together a bit longer, that the chemistry is not strong enough for you to be happy though you've tried. It seems to be the univeral excuse that all men seem to understand and have no problem with. I agree that you'd be better off calling things off either right away or giving him a second chance without him knowing that you are watching for a bad behavior from him so he wont try to be on best behavior again yanking the false facade back in place.
Some younger guys can make a serious mistake in their nervousness or if they were under the influence of something, or simply being a bit too naive and not experienced so making a stupid mistake. It becomes up to you to decide if you have seen enough good traits in him that you want to give another chance to see if he will repeat. The only time I don't use this wait and see plan, is if the relationship has been a longer one and the guy is really good person and you are happy with him a great majority of the time. He may blunder and do something thats never come up before that bothers you or hurts you and not even realize it. This is when instead of waiting to see if its repeated, in this established relationship, you mention to him how it made you feel and you know that was not his intention and ask him to never repeat that because it is so important to you that it would harm your relationship to the point you might leave if it continues.
I have a feeling that you are a strong women with a healthy self image and self confidence. The duds will be attracted to you as well as the good guys. Happened to me too and i did internet dating. After a 1st marriage where the mate was verbally abusive, I wasn't going to settle for less. I actually had a written list of criteria the guy had to pass to be able to write to me. So from the get go, guys knew I would be going over them with a fine tooth comb to see if they truly match up. Heres another bit of advice to help screen out the wrong guys.
Most who are into gals just for lust and sex right now, need to be screened out. These types of guys are not the ones who want to think of the girls needs and wants and feelings, they don't want commitment or the idea of anything permanent, feeling tied down, becoming a father or husband will usually scare most these types away.
I see no problem with the woman being on the offensive with guys rather than waiting for bad behavior and having to be on the defense.
So come up with a list of what you need in a guy. It can be simple, five major traits which if present also cover many other areas. The moment a guy is talking interestedly and asking for your number or a date, you thank him for his interest but let him know you have some criteria for men to meet to be able to stay with you and if not memorized, you might have this written on a notepad or on your cell so you can read it off to him. Let him know you are serious. If he knows he can't meet your criteria, he is free to go and you won't think any worse of him, it is after all his own choice on what he wants to be like as a person. If he does want to still date you, you let him know before all the dates in either written form or in person at a coffee shop that you are giving him your rules and boundaries now. This way he can't say you are unfair and that he never knew of your rules. What you establish at the beginning is important because it will screen out those frightened by commitment. If I were you, whether ready to find a marriage partner/life time partner or not, I would say tell the guy that you want to eventually marry and have children so you are looking at a guy as to whether he'd make a good husband, good provider and a good daddy. Since I was specific on what I wanted at the start, that screened out losts of guys immediately. Some tried to lie in hopes to slip by past my eagle eye...lol but it didn't work and when called on their lie, they blew up. Thats why to stay safe, I suggest just quietly breaking up with the excuse of no chemistry. I know you'll be able to ace this. Don't be disappointed going in, it can take a long time, even a couple years to find the right guy.
I know you are worried about fighting him off sexually if you do out again. If you do decide to give him the chance, turn all the conversations to questioning him about his childhood, what are his siblings like, what are his parents like. A guy who is reluctant to talk of family and his hobbies or interests and memories from childhood may be shy but its more likely the guy is only thinking lust and sex and family and talking of hobbies is not going in the direction he likes. A guy who respects you will take delight in being asked to share about himself and his past and will light up and share his stories with you. I know it seems that all guys want one thing.
to be honest, they all want a rewarding sex life but the guy that matters, also wants to be your best friend and treat you like it too and is always looking to take care of your needs before his own in every situation, even in bed. They are the fewer of whats available but they are out there. I had gotten pretty disappointed and almost given up on finding someone when a week later the right guy wrote me on dating site.
Oh and if you decide on using dating sites, I have lots more info to share to help that be more successful. Goodluck dear.
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