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Dependant on laxatives and have an ED
For about the past 3 years I've been using laxatives every single day and have had issues with eating, at first I just didn't like the feeling I'd get when I'd eat to much, so I'd take laxatives, but this past year my disorder got much worse, and I got down to a very low weight. My parents have found out and I'm staying at home to try to 'refeed' and get off laxatives, and I'm seeing my doctor regularly. I haven't been gaining any weight, because I just can't feed myself that much, and have still been taking laxatives, they are just impossible to quit, I had no idea how hard this is, and even when I do stop taking them for a few days, I still haven't been able to 'go' on my own, and I keep my diet insanely strict with the foods I eat, I eventually just give up. Everyone is telling my mom I need to be hospitalized because of how low my weight is, and I've had an interview with the hospital to talk about the program they would put me in, I know I cannot gain the weight on my own, and I want so bad to get better and be normal, but I found out what they feed you there, they told me it would be stuff like white bread and cookies and ice cream, which would be terrible for my colon. If I can't even go when all I eat is whole grains and fruit, how will I go when they stuff me with junk with barely any fiber?? I want so bad to get off the laxatives on my own, but my eating is just so bad, I know I need the stability the hospital will give me, but I have nightmares of being stuffed with food and not having the laxatives, its just such an addiction, and I know my nightmare would come true going to the hospital, especially since the make you eat crazy amounts to get you back to a normal weight. And I asked if they would change my diet because of my special problem, they just think that's my ED seeing those foods as sins, and I don't! I just know my bowels having to relearn how to work, anyone needs to go on a high fibre diet and avoid foods, after my body works on its on, I would be okay eating not such a strict diet, but they don't understand and I have no idea what would be the best thing to do. All I care about is getting off laxatives, and all they care about is getting me fat! I dont know what to do... I feel completely trapped.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
Your illness is trying to convince you not to get well and scare you into having "what if?" thoughts and paralyzing fear about what will happen to you and your body and mind if you accept the necessary treatment.
Look, the treatment will be difficult and may be unpleasant (ie the colon) but when you add everything up the benefits and being healthy permanently far outweigh anything that may be stressful or strenuous.
You need to get into the hospital program as soon as possible and not look back. The only way to be well and stay that way is to go along with the doctor and get into this program.
They know exactly how to bring you along, wean you off of things and get you 100% healthy. You have nothing to lose and a ton of support. Do the right thing and have your family admit you as it is for the best. Prolonging it could kill or provide further harm to you the way things are currently headed.
It would be in your best interest to be 100% forthcoming with your doctor about your fears and illness. You absolutely need to show him the letter you wrote us so they know exactly what you are thinking and doing especially if you can't say it to anyone in any other way and let them know you feel trapped. This is just the first step and it's a big one to getting well.
It will be hard work but your life will be so enriched and 10 times better if you take the help that they are offering you and face this demon head on once and for all.
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