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Boyfriend used to take care of me, now does not respect me
22/Female
So my boyfriend of 3 years and I met at our first job at a grocery store. He knew I liked him and asked me out and I said no. I didn't think it would be right, at the time I was incredibly depressed and suicidal. I used to self harm, mainly cut and hit myself. But he wore me down, I told him about all of my struggles and self hate issues, and he said he said he wanted to be there for me, and that he liked me.
Fast forward to now, I have been hospitalized for overdosing with intent to kill myself twice. I'd been caught 2 times, tried 4 times. It's been a long journey, and it's far from over but I'm loads better. The problem now is our relationship, and I knew this might happen, but I sometimes feel as though my BF doesn't respect me, or see me or my opinions as equal. As if he's still in caretaker mode. It's not the same as before, it's changed considerably but bits of the dynamic are still there, and I feel like it gets in the way of my progress. What makes it more prominent is that I'm living with him and his parents (my parents no longer wanted my depression in their house so they booted me out) and that I had to quit my job because I was having panic attacks at work (I stayed at that hellhole job for too long, it was for the best). His family is extremely loud and stressful, and is definitely holding me back psychologicaly- but being jobless for now it's my only option. I don't feel like I can work again till I lose the weight I've gained due to stress, and I can fit in my office clothes again.
Anyway, we had a long talk about this and he admitted that subconsciously he may see me as someone to take care of, so he accidentally brushes off my opinions and things, I.e. when we visit my dog at my mom's house. I'll tell my BF I don't want my dog around when we eat food since he just begs, and he brushes off what I say like "it's no big deal," and calls the dog over and gives him food. It's a bunch of little stuff like that everyday that just builds and builds until I get pissed off and snap. He's also made a habit of blaming my anger at him on something else. Like, when I get mad about the dog stuff, he says that I'm just anxious from having to be at my parents' house (reminds me about them ganging up on me and kicking me out) and that I'm just taking it out on him. I'll try to tell him it's about what I'm telling him about, but he dismisses it. It happens at his house and other places too. We kind of ended our heart-to-heart with him saying he's not used to being the one who has to work on himself. That he notices my progress all the time, but that his problems are still there. Mine were the spotlight in the relationship, but now his are coming to light. He admitted that his mom made him lose a little respect for women.
Today we got in a little fight. We went to visit my dog, we've been teaching him to run alongside us on our bikes. My dog's been doing very well, but this was only our 2nd time doing this so I said please stay in the subdivision, don't go in the busy road. Guess where he goes? "I'm taking him to go potty!" Has to cross a really dangerous intersection. I was steamed, after I said "I don't get why you can't respect when I say 'I don't like this, please don't do it.'" He argued a bit and admitted I was right, but later kept doing things like that, so I stopped talking to him and now we're home and I went to my room.
I don't know what to do. I know I want to be with him, we've talked about marriage since year 1 of our relationship. But I feel like he's getting tired of me "yelling" at him/scolding him and it doesn't help anymore. He just accuses me of having too much anger and taking it out on him. I've thought about moving out and giving him space, but I'm jobless. I'D have to lose 100 lbs before I could fit in my job clothes again. I'm doing good on my diet now but it's going to be a while. Then I'D have to find a job where I could even afford a place. We fight so much nowadays. I'm just overwhelmed and I feel... stuck.
Does anyone relate, or have some insight to our situation? Any advice would be appreciated.
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Oh girl, I feel you on this. I was in a very similar situation myself. I had a boyfriend for about 2 years on and off. We recently broke up and I still miss him at times. Although, you said a few things that might trigger your true feelings on the back and forth you keep doing in your mind... "I sometimes feel as though my BF doesn't respect me" and "I'll try to tell him it's about what I'm telling him about, but he dismisses it" etc about him. These types of things you have to keep your head wrapped around, no matter how much love you have for him. At this point, your recovery and health seem like they are really important to you. Anxiety seems like a big thing you struggle with as I do as well. Sometimes you have to evaluate the things that give you certain levels of anxiety that you know you don't want to live with and decide whether you need to phase them out of your life or not. Maybe create a pros and cons list about being with your BF. It was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done breaking up with my BF this time especially since he was the first true BF I gave everything I had emotionally and more to... but I know it is better for my future, my health and my goals. This might not be your conclusion but I am just sharing my experience with you. I understand the feeling of being "stuck". That is how I felt living in my hometown where I didn't have much for me anymore but I lived with my mom who paid for everything, it was just easier. I ended up saving up just enough for the move to my apartment and went over to a temp agency and got a job. I am now in the process of doing that and it feels great! Now, for the weight thing, I am overweight and had the same problem with gaining weight and not fitting in work clothes. My advice for that is finding a job that you wear comfortable clothes like a warehouse job etc. Or do what I did, I applied for a credit card (could be a store one or a regular one) and bought the bare minimum and went to the job agency and got an office job. You always have options, just have to find clarity and decide what those options are for yourself. I really hope this helps. I have my own advice website I am starting up and I have my own email if you would like to respond back. sfwadvice@gmail.com. Best of luck!
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