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what do you think?
Hi, I've been seeing a guy for 3 years. He decided to tell me he didn't want a relationship and he did mess around , I've told him if ever he does it again then he can go to hell.
Anyway, he used to come up once a week but the last six months he is here every night. He even takes time off his night job to stay with me. Do you think he has changed his mind? I find it odd as he likes being here. I'm in love with him but he said ages ago he isn't, if he had no feelings then why come up so much, he has his own place. Anyway, what do you think? Thanks. I'm 35 by the way.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
If he's anywhere within a decade of your age in either direction, then he is old enough to know what he wants out of life and how to figure out what he wants in a relationship.
So what I figure is that you and he have different definitions of these following words:
Relationship
Sex
Love
We relate or say interact with all sorts of people our entire life long starting with parents and siblings, moving on to friends and classmates, teachers, and neighbors and bosses and co workers. Being able to relate to any kind of people takes some skill and a desire to get to know enough about the other people so you can enrich their lives rather than frustrate or diappoint or anger them. The only difference with the relationship you are wanting is the added in romantic/sexual side of it.
However in a bf/gf relationship And all others, a person has to be willing to be a friend, a very good one for relationships to work.
Sex: Well here it gets tricky cus males and females are naturally born with differing inclinations as to what sex is. If there is no love, a male can still desure sex, and more often it is pure lust for sex that keeps them coming around if they are not in love.
Females however want to experience a certain emotional closeness before sex, while men view sex as a route to this closeness. Woman regard sex as both an accompaniment to a strong relationship and a method of securing that relationship in the first place. For men, its a physical act that can lead to an emotional bond but they often seek sex just for the sake of sex. For women, the emotional bond is tied into the physical act so they have difficulty seeing the two separately and thus have the hard time with still feeling love for a guy who mistreats them or broke up with them.
I hope this explains why you can have feelings of love for him while he doesnt feel anywhere near the same as you do.
Lastly theres Love" I believe people have two kinds of love in a couple relationship. I am posting a link to Wiki's explanation of the 4 kinds of love for a refresher [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Then there is how we use the word 'love'. For anything we really like strongly and have a preferance for we will describe as love as in I love chocolate or I love butterflies and people use the word in the same way in a couple relationship which is mistaken by females hearing it to mean in love with, having that deep bond and feeling like the two are one person. We tend to not wait to see if a claim to love someone is followed up by actions that prove it beyond a shadow of a doubt. This kind of love is consistent. In a couple relationship, I believe we have a version of a combination of all the kinds of love including Eros which you won't find in family or friendship relationships but its equally important to be loved as a best friend in a couple relationship.
I have shared all this as it may be helpful to you in determining what is going on with him.
A relationship takes a lot of hard work with both partners putting in equal amounts of energy to make it work. This kind of relationship of being in love is not for the lazy who just want to give minimal or just take and receive.
I can't say if its personally distorted fear thoughts in his mind of becoming involved and admitting he loves you. He may be afraid that expectations of this level of relationship is something he'd rather not take the time to invest.
You'd have to have a good talk with him to find out what he really feels inside and you've both been together long enough for most people to have built a trust in each other to be vulnerable and expose their thoughts and feelings to another. But then there are people born who can go a whole lifetime and never get how to love others. That would be my ex. I dont hate him but he treated me without love and all his kids the same even until recently when for the first time in her life, he admitted to one daughter that he may have been wrong about a few specific things regarding her. He's in his 60's. So a person can change but most do not change enough to fix a problem and if its regarding relationships, who wants to wait a life time for someone else to 'finally get it' and come around to your way of seeing things and doing it the right way.
Based on how men view sex, his visits increasing from one day weekly to every day could mean there is a chance its all about the sex as lust, not love if he hasn't changed his mind about 'wanting' a relationship. Then again, he may have thought long and hard after he said that, imagining what life would be like without you and didn't like that idea either even though still scared of committing to you that way so all he did was increase how often he came over at night. I don't think a male would take risks with his job to be with a gal if he didnt really care, even if he's denying it, beleiving it means he is weak. A guy would not be wasting his money paying for a place he never uses other than to store his stuff. Logic takes over. Save money by staying with your lady and storing all your crap in a rents storage unit which would be cheaper than rent on an apartment. But agan, moving in with you he may be aware could be taken wrong if he's not in love and it was purely a financial decision, nothing to do with liking one place more than another. And he may fear you would take such a move in to mean he is in love when he isn't.
Not all men have it easy saying I love you but will show it in how they treat you. They need to admit at least one or twice that they are in love with you, the deeper version, not just loving you as in a preferance over flavors of icecream.
Messing around or cheating can mean that he isn't committed to you in his heart and mind for whatever reasons and you'd have to get him to answer that. He may not actually know if its coming from his subconscious mnd. But if he really applied him, self seeking answers deep withon, he could eventually have a clue and then with you to help, deal with it.
The only other reason I can think of a guy cheating and yet still wanting his lady friend for at least sex, if that he may have a sexual addiction. Not often mentioned but there are clinics that will treat it as seriously as they would any other kind of addiction.
SO these are just some possibilities and things to think about. You'll have to discover from him what is really up with his change in b ehavior and find out if he can tell you what he wants out of a relationship.
Then if it differes too greatly from what you want from a relationship, rather than trying to force someone you're in love with to become someone they care not ready or able to be is fruitless. You may have him for a while longer but resentment will eventually bould up. For one or both of you cus its just one going through the motions of love but not really into it. With womens intuition, you'll be able to pick up on it and resentment, even loss of love can occur for you. It happened to me with fist marriage. He admitted at the end he had never been in love with me. All I was is a security blanket to him, to make him feel more normal like other people when he had issues instead that needed professional dealings with.
So if you want a husband with which to have kids, a man who wants to be a father and loves it, who is thoughtful and caring and supportive and enjoys spending time with you doing even menial things simply cus life is more fun when you are with him, and wants to grow old with you, if this is what you want and he doesn't, as painful as it is, you may have to let him go and start seeking elsewhere. That was just an example, you may already have kids and require a man who would treat yours as his own.
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