Thank you very much for your thoughtful answer. I really appreciate it, and I would like to tell you more...
I didn't mention in my question that I am also a very shy person, and I sort of have trust issues. It takes a lot for me to be able to talk to someone, even someone I know very well, about anything personal.
On that note, I don't really have anyone in my family I can talk to. I've got two younger brothers who just wouldn't understand, I can't really talk to my dad about anything personal, and I don't feel like I would be able to bring it up with my mom. That's probably mostly because of my shyness...which even to me seems kind of silly cuz she's my mom but...I would never be able to talk to her.
Also, I'm not great with words. I find it very difficult to find the right words to express myself in, so talking to anyone is difficult.
I do have a great, supportive group of friends, but part of the issue is that we are all very busy at this point. We are all in gr 12, finishing up high school, with a lot of things going on in our lives. Again, with my friends even I have trust issues, and I am kind of scared to talk to them. There is one (of my group of 4) friend who I have recently talked to(actually about the crush I had who started dating someone...), and she is the only one who I have been able to talk to about any of this emotional stuff I've been going through, and that was just about the crush...I would like to tell her about some more of the stuff that I described here, but there are two things holding me back. 1) I don't want to bother her; I don't want her to feel like I am just unloading all kinds of emotional baggage on her. and 2) I feel kind of bad to talk only to her, because in our group we are all best friends, so to confide in one and not the others kind of feels like I am making her my favourite if you know what I mean. It's just that it is really hard for me to talk about personal stuff, and I find it easier (although still very difficult) if I can talk to just one person....
I have a couple of hobbies. I love reading, but I have tons of homework, so I don't have a lot of time to read, and also I have basically run of books I want to read. I read way faster than my friends, so most of the good books they have read I have also already finished. I am sick of reading books that aren't very good, but I can't seem to find any good ones. I also love listening to music, but I don't have my own phone/laptop/Ipod/anything, and I am not allowed to listen to popular music or the radio(which doesn't even always have songs I want to hear)...I listen to the radio with headphones when I am in my room, and I get CDs from the library, but I rarely have time to spend in my room, so I don't get the chance to listen to music very often.
I have definitely tried writing stuff down. Sometimes it helps sometimes it doesn't...sometimes I don't even understand whatI am feeling, so I can't write it down because I can't describe it, or I just sit and think that I should write stuff down but I don't actually do it. Other times I have so many thoughts in my head that I try to write it down, but there is too much and I start but I don't nearly finish when my hand gets sore and I am starting to fall asleep.....
I don't even know what my purpose is in sending this to you. I guess I would appreciate more advice in where to go from here, because I really don't know. Your answer was helpful and made me think, but I would love it if you would be willing to give me more? I don't know what I am doing. Partly I am just procrastinating in sending you this because I should be working on homework but I really don't want to, so I thought I would respond to your response.
Please know that I am very grateful for the advice you gave me. It was very thoughtful and I appreciate you taking the time to write it.
Just before I start I want you to know that you do not have to feel nervous/embarrassed or any bad feelings with me, i'm not here to judge and I am here for any support needed and any advice you need also.
I'm glad to hear you have a good group of friends that you can rely on, I understand that you mentioned you feel close with a certain one out of your 4 friends in your group. That's natural, it doesn't mean you like them any less as a friend, it just means you can warm to them easier and they've made a positive effect on you, and in saying that I'm not saying that your other friends are not positive, I'm just saying that you feel more comfortable with that one person.
I get the whole trust issues part as well,
Me and my family moved to Australia in 2007 after growing up in England for 14 years, we lived in a 3 bedroom town-house, after a few years my mother and father had drinking problems, and dad was seeing another woman and then left my mother. Mum went even further down-hill and my sister dealt with a lot of the backlash.
Mum then decided to move back to England, my sister wanted to go because she broke it off with her partner of 4 years and my brother was too young to be able to make his own decision, so he had to go also.
After mum left she never kept in contact and promised me on several occasions she'd call me.
I was left waiting by the phone every-time.
After that, I couldn't trust anyone because I thought they'd leave.
I went through a lot after they left, but I never turned to drugs and alcohol. Had to see psychologist's and take medicine for epilepsy I had developed from the traumatic experience.
I relied on so many people to help me, my friends and family..
Things are better now though, I've moved on from it and it taught me a huge lesson.
There are two kinds of secrets. The ones we keep from others and the ones we keep from ourselves.
So you don't need to hide everything, there are people that care about you, and want to help, including me, and I can more than guarantee that your friend will feel the same, if you want to tell her that you don't want to drag her down and feel like your dumping all of your problems onto her then I'm sure she will turn to you and say, "Don't be sorry, it's what I'm here for"
Radio these days is nice (mostly overplayed stuff) but still not bad, i'm not much of a ready myself but it's good you have a hobby you enjoy.
please feel free to contact me again, anything I can do to help just name it!
You do not need to keep thanking me also..
It's what im here for :)
Also don't feel that you're talking to someone who doesn't care, because I do.
Sometimes, the biggest secrets you can only tell a stranger.
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