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humorist-workshop
Can someone please help me figure out what is wrong with me?
I have always been a very weird person.
I am loud
I laugh loud
I laugh long
I dance through the hallways at my school
I love to sing
I suck at singing
I'm extremely clumsy
I am very bothered by certain things, to the point where I get emotional (when I feel disrespected, when things are very, very unorganized, when I feel excluded)
I would delete and add my ex's number from and to my phone a lot of times
I'm just a generally over-the-top happy person. But something makes me think there is more to it than just that. Something happened to me 2 years ago that just fucked me up.
It was a boy. Of course. How predictable right? I fell in love with a boy that wants to love someone but isn’t ready for a relationship. He settled for me, let me fall in love with him, kissed me and touched me, and then when he found himself falling out of mild LIKE with me (which he called "love" - he said it before I did, ironically) he broke it off. I was broken-hearted and I still would call him a bunch after our break up. He would always, always answer and we would still talk as if nothing happened. Occasionally I would try to bring US up, and it was just not reciprocated. Then after a while I accepted the fact that he was a horrible boyfriend (because he never loved me) and I let that side of it go. But he was very intoxicating and I always wanted a taste of him. Literally. His saliva was just delicious, and I love the way he kisses me, the way he handles me when we touch each other, everything. So a few weeks after we broke up, I asked him if he wanted to be friends with benefits, never really accepting that I still had feelings (duh) which is the number 1 rule of FWB - never do it with someone you would get in a relationship with) and he said no. Then I continued the really reluctant process of getting over him. And then when I was almost done, he apologizes to me for being so mean. (he had been acting like I didn't exist for 6 months) At that time he was in a relationship with a girl that he really wanted to be with.
A few days later in history class we were assigned to sit next to each other. I stopped trying to get over him. We started having conversations during class (because of me) Then I waited for the inevitable break up (he was too clingy and she was leading him on - the same thing that he did to me, she did to him) and I invited him to a dance. He was heartbroken and saw the opportunity for a rebound so accepted the invitation. He was hugging me a lot and he even bit my neck. I played along - after the dance we walked to my house holding hands and then sitting on my steps waiting for his father, he basically asked me if it was ok if he kissed me right then. (He never used the words, he said "is there anything you want to do right now?" or something like that.) I was very reluctant so I didn't really answer. So then he flirted with me a little bit. I didn't know what to do so i got shy. He coos at me and calls me cute. He asks if there's anything I would change about him (that was the moment I knew he was broken-hearted, his ex's beauty made him feel insecure--he wanted to know how he could change for her. Trust me, I knew the feeling) I say yes, there's one thing but I don't tell him what is ( I wanted to say I wished he loved me. Stupid.) His father comes to pick him up 30 seconds later. I wave at his father and I go into my house.
A few weeks-a month later, I ask him to have sex with me, in class right as i sit down next to him in class. He likes how bold I am. He says yes a few days later over the phone. So for a total of 3 times he comes to my house, and we basically just make out on top of each other half naked, twice. He plays with my nipples a little and then his father would call to say he was outside and he would have to leave. For me, this is very natural, a little nerve wracking, and very exciting. I could tell he wasn't ready for sex. For him it was very awkward, wrong and weird. Around this time he would walk me home a lot, or walk part of the way home until he had to go to baseball practice (always in a group, me, him, his best friend, and this other girl that he was friends with for longer and closer than me that he would later go out with) and he would flirt with me and this other girl. A lot.
I started to get afraid. I didn't want him to use me. I knew that I was just a rebound from the start and I didn't want to be the type of girl that was ok with that. I wanted to be chosen. So the best side of me (the side that makes seemingly horrible decisions that are actually the best decisions possible for future me) decides to call him to tell him this, in a very teary-eyed, emotional, over the top way. I make him feel very, very bad. I tell him that my biggest fear is that he will one day call me (when I have a man that I love, but have settled for because I still loved him, and had a family with this other man and everything) and apologize and want to come back into my life, and then change his mind and throw me away again. I told him i was afraid I wouldn't reject him and the cycle would just never end 10, 20, 30 years down the road. He gets angry and offended (bingo) and he says he cant believe I feel that way, and on top of that I'm crying which he hates because he doesn't know how to handle it. We hang up and I again try to get over him.
A bunch of months pass. I start to go back to missing him and I start thinking about him a lot again. We still talk over the phone. Barely. He still answers when I call. I'm always the one that calls now. He comes up to me one day during an event after school one day and tells me that he is now dating the other girl, something I saw coming and talked about with him before. It doesn't hurt as much, because I know this girl doesn't really like him. I very subtly, yet negatively react when he says this. He notices that because hes a smart boy and he pays attention. I refuse to get over him now, because i realized that his feelings were hurt so much when i called him to tell him I was afraid of him because he was really planning on getting back together with me, its just that he didn't realize that until later and neither did I. So i wait for that relationship to end because i knew it would. I call him every time i get the impulse (a lot of times. About 7-10 times a month) and he reveals to me that he is lonely at some point. I reveal to him at some point that I really called that day and made him want to stay away from me because I was afraid of getting pregnant and I really didn't want that to happen with a boy that doesn't love me. He doesn't believe me. I go on to say that I no longer want a relationship (which was true, and he said he could hear it in my voice that it was true that I wanted no more than sex) but I want to have sex. I don't want to have sex with anyone that isn't him. He says he doesn't think that is a good idea. He says no. The girl that he just got out of a relationship with says that he shouldn't be friends with benefits with his ex. So he says no.
The summer after that ^ I am not sure what I want. Whether i should keep being dumb or just move on. (MOVE ON) I go back into my destructive behavior. I don't talk to him at all. Until November, when I felt the last straw has been pulled. I asked his friend why he was avoiding me. (that day I ended up walking right behind him, and he was walking very fast)
This friend says "I don't know, why don't you ask him"
I say i don't know, I think he just really doesnt want to talk to me at all.
His friend gives me an ultimatum. He says, either you talk to him yourself or I will.
I tell him that if he tells me to talk to him, I will and he will regret that. I dont answer the ultimatum message, and then I get a message from my ex.
I say well shit.
He says "hey kid thats life deal with it" or something
I say im into (insert fetish)
he says really
I say "do you know what im about to say next"
He says "no im not a mind reader"
I say "I want you to be my (insert dirty word)" and then i tell him to delete the messages
he says "i will"
I say really (I get excited because I think he is saying yes)
He says yeah.
I call him and I explain to him that this time it wont be emotional, this time it will just be sex and it'll be great. No emotion, no nothing. I still havent realized that he needs emotion. He says he was saying "i will" to deleting the messages, not to the sex. We talk about the other things that have bothered me that hes done during this time that we havent talked. He tells me he doesnt do baseball anymore, he tells me he's decided he wants to be a teacher. I tell him I have a job. He responds condescendingly, very surprised (he does this. He hurts my feelings unknowingly. This is where everything stems from. This is what makes me think that he loves me. He is mean to me because he doesnt think he deserves me, I loved him too hard when we were together. He tried to love me back and when he "couldn't" he started to verbally abuse me in a very subtle way, and he felt bad and that was why we broke up) and i reinforce in my head that i don't want a relationship with him. Not just yet. Basically i try to tell him it will work if we just have rules put in place. Hes nice about it in his way, but he says no
I call him throughout November telling him in a bunch of different ways that i just want to have sex with him. He doesnt want to. I start to think there is a bigger reason as to why he doesnt want to. He was perfectly happy before. He was happy with my body, and I make him feel good too, so i didnt understand. This makes me curious and here is where the persistence comes in a bit. I call him another day, he says "who is this" (he has deleted my number, its serious that im out of his heart and mind and life, everything) and i dont feel very good about that. But i keep going. (this is why I feel like im retarded, I just keep trying and trying for something that isnt even good for me) and he asks right away why i called, trying to make it as quick as possible. i just say that I want to make it clear that i have an idea that we will be fine if we just make rules to make sure that we dont mess up again. he doesnt want it. There were many other times where I have called or texted, and he would ask again "who it was" and he would just generally not want to talk to me. But i could tell he was trying very, very hard to be nice but he just really really didnt want to talk to me. this made me sad , but i kept going anyway. Another day i called and he answered but he said he was doing something and couldnt really talk. I told him it was fine, but he should call me back afterwords. Then he basically called me unimportant and he said it was likely he wouldnt do that. he didnt call back. a few days later when Mockingjay Part 2 came out i called him and said was going to invite him to go see it, because i had invited a lot of people that all said no but i didnt want to go alone, so i was gonna invite him but i knew he would say no. He says "you have good judgement". Then at school one day I approach him and ask what the real reason is, and why he can't just speak his mind. This whole time hes backing away. he says "because its not nice" and i say "what if i need to hear it" and he shrugs and turns around and keeps walking. another time i called him and I asked him to tell me. he says he wants absolutely nothing to do with me. he doesnt want to be my friend, fuck buddy, friend with benefits, acquaintance, nothing. Because i make him feel like he's a bad person ans he just doesnt want to deal with anymore. He doesnt want to fix it, he doesnt want to figure it out, nothing. I say he never said that to me, but i really meant to say something better. i dont know what yet. I stopped calling him.
Last Thursday I text his friend and ask him to help me. He talks to him for me, since he was already going to talk to him over the phone that day. He mentions me in the conversation and my ex says "no never gonna happen" and this whole time as hes on the phone with my ex he is texting me, telling me what hes saying to what i ask him to bring up, which is just no over and over again. Then his friend says I should send him a nude picture. I reject it at first, but then as i keep thinking about it i think it's perfect so now i want to do it. His friend tells me to do it, and i want to so i do. my ex's friend tells me to call him. So I call my ex's friend. He's giving me tips and advice and soothing my nerves. I take the picture and sens it. I'm embarrassed but i dont regret it. My ex doesnt see that i sent anything until the next morning. He saw that i sent something, and he deleted the message and never opened it. he never sees the picture. I send him a message the next day saying just his name then i add a period so it looks more like the way I want him to read it in my voice (lol) and then he answers "No." just like that, and i say "its ok (insert his name here)" and that i wasn't going to say anything that might have upset him (i wanted to see if he wanted cake, my 18th birthday was December 2nd :) But i didnt say that to him) and he says " ok but stop texting me" and then i say, word for word: "I get that you're just trying to get me to stay away forever but try to understand that I just can't. It really doesn't even matter what you do, how you feel about it, or say to other people, it will just take a long time. So just chill please. Your anger quite frankly is making it take longer, as I've said before when you're angry it's... counterproductive" and he read that message and didnt answer.
He answers me. He still answers me when I call/text him. Someone that truly doesn't want someone in their life wouldnt do that. I have a friend that I have shunned (she deeply disrespected me) and i do not answer her at all. She said happy birthday to me in the school bathroom after school on my birthday and my response was "dont talk to me". So i know what it feels like to really dislike and not want to be around someone. My ex is just not being like that. He still answers me. It makes me think there is a chance and i still think he is gonna come around.
This boy introduced me to a side of myself that I almost hate. I admire it at the same time though, for it made me the type of ambitious I need to be in order to become successful in life in the way that I want to become successful. I obsess over my goals now. Will Smith would be proud (If you don't know what I'm talking about, just watch some interviews of his) [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Not that I was always calling him and always trying to get him to be with me, but I did call him a lot more than i should have (which is none at all)
But ironically, as i write this, I can feel myself letting go, and I really hope I do a better job than the last time I was almost over him. I hope that this time when he apologizes to me, I would be indifferent and unaffected and want nothing to do with him. I hope that I will be able to say no to anything and everything he would want but based on the amount of effort I put into asking this question i have a feeling that will be a while in the future.
If you have read all of this i really want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are an amazing person for that and I thank you. I can give you my email if you want more details because believe it or not there are soooooooooooooo many more.
What do you think? Am i stupid or did i just fall very, very, very, extremely hard? "And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him " or am i obsessed, or what? what is wrong with me? Thank you for taking the time to read this very long question.
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You weren't kidding about long letter. I have a feeling you problem solve as I do often, by having a reason to write and ramble on about the issue/problem and as you do, you begin to inadvertently come up with some real good insights and possibly answers to the problem. You did hint at this near the end when you said, "ironically, as i write this, I can feel myself letting go".
Lets start with this statement of yours:
This is why I feel like im retarded, I just keep trying and trying for something that isnt even good for me. You are quite right there. Part of the issue may be your natural personality natures which I am only guessing at here but from all that you wrote, I am guessing you wear your heart on your sleeve, (meaning that all your feelings/
emotions aren't kept hidden or controlled but out there in the open for all to see, you are very dramatic, and also very tenacious(meaning persistant, don't give up easily if at all and stubborn. The thing with these traits, are they can be a good thing if used the right way, and they can also be a very bad thing. How can it be bad? It's too easy for people to hurt your feelings and yank your emotions around, instead of dramatic as in an actress/actors flair in life, one can become a drama queen, too much negative drama with emotions all over the place, and lastly the persistant head butting against all odds, in some scenerios, like when it involves interacting with another, involves their free will/choices/desires which may be in opposition to you. The only times tenaciousness is good is like those who told Mr. Bell that such a thing as the telephone couldn't be created, but he had a dream a vision and kept at it until he succeeded in creating the telephone.
Now you are wondering what may be wrong with you. In reality, you are very common at what a person will find if they do a survey on teen and young college age girls. The way you are behaving are strictly female traits, of females who are young, very emotional but without control of their emotions, need attention and verification that they are beautiful and desireable as a young lady, however words aren't good enough and they try to seek this thru sex. Young girls starting puberty just need supportive comments from a male family member to have this need met. Usually its a Dad. Whether Dad was gone or there, sometimes a girl doesnt hear that, "Wow honey, with that new dress you're wearing, I have to realize my little girl has grown up and become a beautiful young woman overnight. I bet you'll have all the boys turning their heads to look at you." My Dad did that, theres nothing sexual about that. But it is a very realistic need. That could be one reason you can't let go of a guy whose given every sign that he is not interested.
Another possibility is that you may be addicted to drama and not know it. You have mentioned how instead of attempting to control your feelings, you just blurt them out all over whomever has upset you, ex boyfriend or a female classmate. Another Part of of the problem could be the fact that the frontal lobe of the brain which is responsible for good decision making and how we treat and interact with others, judging, etc is not yet done growing in our teens. Look it up online if you dont believe me. Scientists say on an average, it isnt done growng and mature until at least mid 20s although I know plenty in this current young generation who haven't matured mentally until closer to 30. This means you really can't help but be struggling here.
It also means that if you want your life to be smoother right now at your age, that you have to put a lot of effort into learning some things that all of us do not know yet at your age due to lack of experience, immaturity, and just plain old not having enough knowledge on some subjects. They teach math, science, writing in school but theres no such thing as classes to teach a person how to communicate well in their world with anyone, and how to interact and relate to others in their world. Texting and modern devices haven't helped any either but stunted the growth of these abilitys so that people of your generation have even less skills at communicating and relating to others than people of my generation did when we were your age and I know I still lacked much life smarts and knowledge, cus I married at 20 and the guy turned out to be verbally abusive. What I have gained in life experience and know now, I could have used back then and it would have been easy to see the warning signs and know better than to marry him. So hon, I am not looking down at you, but this is a warning that it will take more than just writing to this advice column to get yourself on the right track.
I understand how hard it is to let someone go who is showing no interest in you or making choices that are counter productive in a relationship. After a divorce, I met a man who was split up from his wife and they were going to get a divorce. He and I were in love. However, one day, she came back and said she wanted to give their marriage a try. They were both still in love too and now he loved 2 women, so it hurt him and me greatly but he decided that due to the years they had between them and having young adult kids, that the best was to go back to her. There wasnt anything I could do. She had come to know of me and asked me to stay away from him too. It hurt, cus I loved him, and couldn't see how I could ever find anyone else I loved as much as him or that anyone else could even be better. He knew my story of abusive in 1st marriage and told me to not settle for someone in the future anything less than what we had. I really almost gave up, was semi depressed about not finding someone to really love me and treat me well when I met my husband of over 6 yrs now. Looking back, I am so glad I met him as he is way way more perfect for me than the other guy ever could be. The love was real, but God knew there was someone better for me. At your age, males are not ready to commit to a girl to the degree that you are asking of your guy. Right now, they still are still very confused as far as understanding girls and female traits and just arent really for more than just hanging out, being friends, maybe experiment with dating, and some to experiment with sex. Girls often want way more from a relationship with a guy at this age and it sounds like you want more than he can give.
To help you understand his view, try switching the situation. Instead of him, lets use another male classmate you've talked to and been friendly with. Lets say he is always texting you, phoning, doing the things to you that you are doing with this guy, and lets say he wants to have sex with you and keeps begging for it but you have no romantic feelings towards him, even though you agreed to go on a couple dates with him like to movies and out to eat, what you see as hanging out but he's putting more into it and he won't take no for an answer and keeps pursuing you. In todays world, for women of any age, if a guy keeps pestering a girl for sex, no matter how long she's known him, or under what circumstances, like a school/college mate, a co-worker, neighbor, etc... and he won't stop, she can file a report with the police for sexual harassment. Only when its done it reverse, the girl going after the guy this way, people don't tend to think of it that way cus guys are physically stronger so a girl cant physically overpower him to get it. While on the subject of sex, here'ss something else you need to know of the difference between men and women regarding sex.
This folowing explanation is from a book I read by psychologist Linda Papadopoulos:
'WomEn regard sex as both an accompaniment to a strong relationship and a method of securing that relationship in the first place. For men, its a physical act that can lead to an emotional bond but they often seek sex just for the sake of sex. For women, the emotional bond is tied into the physical act so they have difficulty seeing the two separately and thus have the hard time with still feeling love for a guy who mistreats them or broke up with them.'
I couldnt say it better myself. It may be that subconsciously whether you're aware of it or not, that your desire to want to have sex with him is a way you figured on securing a relationship with him. As you can see by the statement from the book, this isn't how it works in real life.
I will say that I believe you have great potential to find true love someday as you do seem to pick up on a lot of truths such as when you mentioned how his saliva tasted so delicious. There is a scientific fact that when two people have pheremones that are the same or close to the same that ALL their bodily fluids will taste good to each other and each others scent, natural musk and sweat odors are not offensive but actually very pleasant to each other. I met a guy once whose sweat scent I couldn't stand, very stinging to my nose. Otherwise he was nice and he was attracted to me, so I agreed to have some oral sex but when he got undressed and I caught a whiff of his natural musk scent, I just about threw up right there and had to beg off saying its that my headache was so bad I had to go home. There isn't just only one person we will ever meet in life whose pheremones match ours as I've found out, but not all of them will be perfect for us or ready for us ladies. Be patient, in time you'll find someone or perhaps when he's 25 he'll remember you and want to hunt you down and get together. But dont live your life now as if thats going to happen and you wait for him to 'come to his senses' as you seen to currently feel about him not feeling worthy of certain people. I hope this all gives you something to think about. And hon, if you do ever find a guy willing to have sex with him for whom you do have feelings, please go to Planned Parenthood and get on the pill cus there are ways to get pregnant without a guy entering you, by sperm being transfered inside you by other means where a condom won't help you if he's not wearing one until ready to enter you. Thats all I have for you right now. Blessings to you.
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