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To break up or not
Hi, I'm unsure about whether I should break up with my boyfriend or not. I've tried to talk to my friends about it, but all my close friends and family have met him already, so I'm afraid that their opinion will be biased one way or the other (depending on their impression of him). I would really appreciate a neutral opinion. This is going to be really long, I'm sorry in advance. I'm 23/female, and our 1 year anniversary is in a few days. The first 3 months were argument-free, but we started having more and more fights. The frequency of fights escalated over the months, to the point where we now argue every other day, and we're lucky to go 3 days without some sort of argument. In our last few fights, I've questioned, both to myself and to him, whether we're just not compatible enough to be right for each other. I think he and I share similar core values (we think family is extremely important and we are very loyal to friends), but socially we're pretty different. He drinks way more than I do, and he's definitely toned it down a lot since he met me. Even our friends have said that he's so much more tame now compared to last year, and a lot of people were surprised when we started dating. Another note is that we're in the same program at school, with a class size just over 100, so if we do break up, we'll awkwardly be in the same classes for the next 2.5 years, with many mutual friends. I've met his family and he's met mine- we went to each other's hometowns over the summer. It seemed for the longest time that he would be the one, but lately it hasn't been so clear. His drinking has always been a problem for me. He claims that he doesn't like the taste of alcohol, that it's just a social aspect. To be fair, he doesn't drink much compared to his roommates. His roommates will have a beer even when they're just watching TV, and he's never done that, but when drinking with them, he goes crazy sometimes. I would say in the last year that I've known him, he's thrown up or passed out from drinking maybe 3-4 times, which isn't a lot, but every time it's happened, I get really upset, then he gets upset that I judge him so much instead of just letting him have a fun night once in a while. My level of drinking has always been an occasional night out with friends or the occasional party in undergrad, and I've been drunk before, but I have never thrown up or passed out. That's why our views on drinking are so different; I've asked him why he can't just control his drinking to stop at a point before he knows he can't handle it anymore, and he responds by asking why I have to judge him and try to change him so much, when he's never tried to change me in our relationship. I will admit that he's not my "ideal" guy; there's a lot about him that I've learned over the months that aren't necessarily what I thought I was looking for in a guy. That's probably why he feels like I'm not happy with him and just constantly try to change him. These aren't huge negatives, just little things like how he's bad at planning things properly and prefers spontaneous plans (another difference between us- I don't need a rigid schedule, but I like having a general plan). Overall, he treats me very well and we've talked about a future together openly. However, I experienced the loss of a parent recently, and it's been very hard on both of us- he's been trying his best to be there for me, but I know that it's stressful for him too. Last night, we were supposed to go black friday shopping together, and he was eating and drinking with some of our friends before I got there. When I arrived, he was passed out and he threw up twice over the night. I spent a good part of the shopping trip waiting outside the men's room for him. I have no problem with taking care of him when he can't, but I wasn't happy about why he had to drink so much again. He apologized and said he wished he hadn't done that. He could tell that I was upset, and today I asked him why he had to drink like that. His defensiveness and anger came back again- he said he'd been stressed (I guess by all that's been happening with my situation), and he just wanted a night off to have fun. He asked again why I had to judge him so much. I told him that I never meant for my parent's death to stress him out, and that it wasn't directly his problem. I didn't want him dealing with stress by drinking, especially if it's stress due to me. He said he wanted to be there for me, but he also just needed a night off. When I asked him if he thought what he did last night was wrong, he got even more upset and deflected. I mean, he did apologize last night, but that was when he was still drunk. He didn't apologize today at all. Basically, I'm at a point where I'm wondering if things can still work between us. I know that relationships are about compromise, but how do I know when we've reached the point where even compromise won't work? Or am I just being too critical? Please tell me honestly, this has been eating me up for a while now. Ultimately, I want to be with him, and I know that he wants to be with me, but I don't know if this is just a really long rough patch, or if both of us are just not ready to accept that we have to go our separate ways. Thanks.
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heres the thing, everyone handles stress differently for one. He may have been drinking with a friend to try to relieve the stress which i get but abusing alcohol in order to do that is not necessary. If your sake, (and maybe you can tell him this) he needs to find some other way to "destress" besides drinking like he does because all it did you for yesterday was cause you MORE stress which isnt helpful....
Next, him constantly asking you why your trying to "judge" him when all your trying to do is have an open dialog about your feelings, is not a good sign. Hes cutting himself off from you emotionally by doing that and this will only cause even more friction and bullshit where its not needed as well.
Relationships are hard as it is without adding the stress of unwillingness to talk things threw and be SURE that your both on the same page about things.
If he cant do that (even when your not having a rough patch) then hes not a good match. Being open with feelings and putting yourself out there to possibly be hurt or judged is PART of having any kind of relationship. It comes with the territory and he needs to learn to be ok with that.
With the shopping situation yesterday, what you should have done when you found out he was way too drunk to go anywhere was just insisted he stay home and that youll go without him. This is the adult way to say "YOU messed up, you made a bad choice, and ruined our night and now your going to stay here and think about what youve done"
Give him some time to think about what hes done without you having to say it. He will see that you were disappointed in him and he will either realize what hes done or he wont and it will be another point against him on the check list of weather to stay together or not.
Just remember theres no reasoning with someone who doesnt want to change. The only thing you can do is voice your concerns and then walk away and give him time to think about his choices. You just lost a parent, you really dont need this kinda shit right now, its not helping matters.
I myself actually just lost a parent and im also married to my high school sweetheart so im very similar to you if you fast forward about 14 years lol. ; )
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