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humorist-workshop
boyfriend, family, and friend troubles
I apologize in advance for the long post. But, bless you for taking the time to read this and answer my question. I am a 24 year old female. I was 20 when I met my current boyfriend and 21 when we started dating. Lets call him Bob. When Bob and I were about 3 months into the relationship, my mom, out of all people, rented a hotel room for us to stay in after a big party. I pictured that this was going to be the night that I would lose my virginity. But, as the night progressed, I started to feel like this wasn't the right decision. Firstly, we hadn't even had the talk about us being official. Second, he hadn't even told me that he loved me yet. So, losing my virginity to him, after I had been waiting that long seemed like something I really didn't want to do. But, I was confused, scared, and he basically said "are we going to do this or not? it's 4 in the morning?" and i caved in... but he didn't actually get it in. We tried a few times after that, and it was just terrible. He was never able to get it inside.I never looked forward to it. And most of all... both of us still lived at home, so we had only been able to "try" in the car. It was just awful.
About a year into dating, I became a Christian and gave my life to Christ. In doing so, I decided that I would wait until marriage to have sex and that whatever we were doing had to stop unless he decided to marry me. I could no longer continue a intimate physical relationship in good consciousness. To symbolize this new promise that I had made, I bought a ring that said "true love waits." Now, before people start making fun of me... because I have encountered immature people who do, please remember that this is MY decision. I don't make fun people who decide to have sex before marriage, so I hope you can refrain from making fun of me regarding my own decisions. Thank you. So, when he became aware of the ring, he said "If you are a virgin, then a prostitute on 8th street is a virgin." Now, that really hurt. I don't care what he meant by it, but comparing your girlfriend, who has only been intimate with ONE person who she is in a committed relationship with, to a prostitute who sleeps with countless men without commitment, seems off and just plain mean. This was the start of really starting to dislike him.
Now, my mom, since about a year into the relationship, decided that she hated him and forced me to break up with him. Since I was still living at home at the time, I couldn't take the fighting, nitpicking, etc. anymore. It got to a point that I just couldn't breathe. I had no peace in my life. At that point, I hated my mom with a passion because I felt like she was ruining my life. I didn't understand how the same person who got us a hotel room was now forcing me to break up with him. It seemed crazy. So, I told her, back in August of 2014, that I broke up with him while he was out of the country. Since then, the relationship has been kept a secret. This past January, I thought that I had mustered up the courage to finally break up with him. My birthday is in January... and he didn't even call me until 3pm on my birthday to say happy birthday! So, the next day, my best friend, who new that the secret relationship had been going on, sent a letter on my behalf breaking up with him. She said that she had taken enough of his abusive behavior. She was referring to this one time that he dislocated my finger at a party because I walked nearby him and another guy while they were debating about politics.
The next day, I was suicidal. I wrote notes to nearly everyone in my family saying goodbye. My other option was to run away. But, since I didn't have the money, I felt that killing myself would be easier. I almost got into a car accident that day (not on purpose). I told my boyfriend what I was planning. And he called the police. Never in my life had I felt so low. I felt that I was just so tired of people making decisions for me. First my mom. Now my friends. I pictured getting on a plane to Europe and having everyone think that i just died. But, I was broke. And controlled by everyone around me. So, I told my boyfriend that I really didn't want to break up and since then, we have been together.
Now, lately, I don't want to be with him anymore for several reasons. Firstly, he has no ambition. He graduated with his masters degree six months ago and still does not have a job. He still lives with his parents at 26. All of our friends are getting engaged and married, and we've been together for years without a proposal in sight. I'm not one of those crazy people who is crazy about getting married lol. But, you do gotta see if the relationship is going somewhere! There's no ambition on his part to grow up. And I need a man in my life, not a boy. I want someone who is interested in getting married, starting a family, etc. I am a successful woman with a career and I need someone who is on the same playing field as I.
Also, it's worthy of noting that since January, NO ONE knows about the secret relationship. Not my mom. Not my friends. I'm so tired of living in fear that someone will find out. But, I'm SO scared. I'm scared of that feeling I felt back in January. That I will once again be suicidal. That I would seriously consider taking my own life again. I can't get support from anyone because no one knows. I really need help. I'm extending my story in hopes that someone can help me!
xoxo
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Hey there,
I'm sorry about the way you've been feeling. Sometimes, it can all just feel overwhelming. I understand. I think you're just clinging to the wrong thing now. If he's insulted you (with the prostitute remark), and has no plans to move forward I think you need to move on. You're a grown woman who seems to have a great load of potential and ambition, and you need someone like that for your life. Someone who will help you grow as a person, and who'll support your decisions career-wise and otherwise. It was so very wrong of your friend to take matters into her own hands, even if she thought she was helping. All of this contributed to the overwhelmed feeling you had, but now it's time for you to take your life back and decide who's worthy of your attention.
Best of luck!
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