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humorist-workshop
But i behaved
Hello,
I wrote to you about my relationship about a month ago. I am a 22 Yr old Girl that has been in a relationship for about 3 years. You asked that I got back to you on how things ended up which by the way thank you so much for taking the time to advice me. I decided to give him another chance (for some very odd reason) everything was going wonderful, we were communicating more, going out to places just us 2, just really spending quality time together. 2 weeks ago all my friends went to this huge festival that we go to every year. and this one girl from Canada that he facetimes, snapchatted and talked to often always goes which is in fact where they met. Hes been to Canada twice this year and I know they met up the first time. We'll he assured me nothing ever happened. I said fine and kept on moving on with my life. Well I saw this girl there, we happened to be eating in the same restaurant and because she's friends with several of my friends including my boyfriend I said I was going to actually behave and say hi to her and actually meet her only because I'm not one to like to make things awkward and wanted to see what my friends see in her. So I didn't say hi to her then, I wanted to actually be introduced to her by my boyfriend that was going to end up seeing later in the day. Im a performer (dancer) and we were (my friends and I) going to be performing there. We went to go change into our outfits and as im walking towards the car with them she (Canada girl) sees me and immediately turns around. Then as i'm in the middle of changing she walks by with now her friends and they all keep saying my boyfriends name as if they were mocking me. I didn't do anything although I really wanted to go after her and have a very nice convo with her. But I controlled myself and didn't. Now im not sure of what that meant or how I should handle this situation. Advice please <3
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Thank you for writing back. So you never had a chance to have a conversation with her. First, you assumed someone would take you up and introduce you but that was just a hope in your mind, a picture of how you envisioned things would happen. If you truly wanted a chance to chat, you could have asked someone to introduce you to her officially and it didn't even have to be the boyfriend since as you said so many of your friends know her.
I do not know if they were having a conversation and speaking loud enough for you to hear your boyfriends name mentioned in the sentences or if the only thing they vocalized was his name as a chant like "Steven...steven...steven" done like a chant at a football game. If it was the chant style, then whoever was participating in it just showed you that they are very immature and untrustworthy and childish. This means you can't trust them for any real friendship or even casual acquaintance or for any information to be obtained from. You said "They" which could refer to just her friends, or this girl included. Either way, all you know now is you can't trust them and perhaps her. WHat remains to be discovered is whether you can trust your boyfriend.
Until caught and proven guilty, no matter how convincing a situation may seem, the only things that would have you believing something means something more than what you see at face value is what your thoughts and imaginings are on the situation or on a persons character. This points to two things, the first being the easiest to understand, you really don't know his character deep down enough to know you can trust him. The same gos for this girl. Even if you only felt you couldnt trust the girl if she were alone with him, lets think about it, with what if's. What if they were alone together, what might happen...make a list of your negative thoughts and any postive thoughts. Such as she might come on to him. She might try to force him to have sex and cheat on me. He might love me but not be able to resist when she's naked in front of him.
If you see what I am doing, this is you imagining worst case scenerios and trying then to discover how much basis these thoughts have in reality.
For me, toss my husband in a room full of naked women and no matter how hard they try, he is not going to be interested in a single one of them no matter how beautiful they are because I am the best thing thats ever come into his life and he tells me so. No i dont look like a model and am no longer young but I am beautiful to him as a package deal, beautiful inside and out and its not just about having sex with another woman, that for sex sake falls flat when there's not that feeling of being deeply in love with ones soul mate.Nothing can come between two peoplel like that except death.
Young women are particularly susceptible to questioning themselves and their worth and how they match up as far as competing with other women for a guys attention and devotion. Some do not feel whole as a person being they are addicted to a love relationship, feeling thats the only thing that will make them feel worthy as a person and validated. If leaving you self worth and validation in the hands of a man or any other person who doesnt know what its like to be you, you leave yourself open to heart ache, heart break, lots of pain, disappointment and feeling really low and down on yourself or on men or on a particular person. Many gals get depressed and suicidal if a relationship goes sideways because their self worth was wrapped up in him and they didn't know it. Most of us dont see that until we get much older.
If you were truly not reliant on him for your self worth as a woman, then you would be able to give him ground rules at the beginning of the relationship or even starting now. Dont call blame, but just lay out what IS okay with you as far as his actions and how he treats you, what you expect from him, and that if he ever does A, B, and C,,, then you will leave him and never have anything to do with him again as you deserve better than that and wont waste your time with someone like that. He can fess up right then if hes not been honest and you break up, or he can try to hide things if there's anything to hide but the truth will come out eventually as it takes too much personal power for a person to keep hiding and putting up a false personality or scenerio. So whats the worst thing that could happen if you do find that he and this gal have been going at it behind your back. The way you respond will indicate whether your thought life is at, more negative or more positive and whether you like a computer may be running some unwanted programs in the background, call it self defeating beliefs, SBD's. I'll give you an example from my life. My first husband was verbally abusive to the day I left after 30 yrs. I learned that it was all about me, not him. I needed to believe in myself, trust my instincts and learn to love myself enough to not place myself in life situations in which I am being used, lie to, abused, treated unfairly, cheated on, etc.... You could say I finally woke up. But dont think a person goes on happily without being tested. I got on a dating site and met many guys who seemed nice at first. By the second or third date, with my experiecne with ex, and what little I'd learned of himan behavior, the psyche, and some basics of character types and basic psychology, I was able to spot the warning signs as soon as they appeared. And as I said before, a false front is hard to keep up forever and soon a person lets the mask slip. One guy for a 3rd date invited me to dinner at his house. When I arrived to his spotless immaculate home, he asked forgiveness for such a messy place and said he hadd a useless house maid who was (another race and called her derogatory names) awful things he said about someone I'd never met and of course it wasnt true as the house was spotless. Right here, I knew I cant blame myself for not knowing his true character at first, its easy to hide for a while, but now that I saw something...what did it say about him? 1. he's verbally abusive 2. short temper or anger problems 3. unreasonable 4. a perfectionist and theres no way to please him.
I was not so desperate and lonely for companionship or desperate for a sex partner/lover that I would lower my standards and go back to the same thing I just left. These were some of my ex's issues. So to not anger him, I ate dinner, pretended all was fine, made an excuse of not feeling well to leave early and never went back to him again. When he called, I told him I had found someone else that I had better chemistry with. People seem to understand and accept that as a valid excuse so this way i wouldn't have a man angry at me to start stalking or making hateful calls as one guy did twice after I dumped him for lying to me about not being a cigarette smoker. I am allergic to it. So you need to be smart in any moves you make not just to decide who's worth staying with but also how to break up without creating more troubles for yourself from the ex.
If I were you, I'd sit and make a list of what I am really looking for in a guy, how unique is this guy on paper. Could hundreds fit the profile or only a select few. If too generic, and you aren't picky enough in what you want, how can you tell a guy what you will and won't accept.
Do this first. If you need help getting started, let me know, I call it a list of wants and needs in a guy, or must haves, vs nice but not necessities.
When you know you can explain yourself well, and you know you can give an ultimatum like you do this once, and I'll leave, and be able to stick with it, then you're ready to have a talk with him. No accusations, because you have no solid proof, only your errant thoughts. But put realistic guidelines. For me it was, I wanted a man who would never raise his voice to me, always be willing to compromise and find resolutions in a calm adultlike manner, someone who would support me and my dreams, hopes, talents, etc. instead of someone who tears me down, see...I was specific. I didnt have to say No cheating allowed. Instead I asked for honesty such as at any point that you change your mind and decide you want someone else, dont go behind my back, just tell me its over and then go after who you wnat because life is short and i dont want to spend time with anyone who is tired of me, made a mistake and changed their mind or feels we're not a right fit because I deserve a man who doesnt just love some things about me but is in love with me and will uphold and support me in whatever I chose as a female to create and do.
Can you see yourself able to give him permission to life you but just be honest with you? If you cna't, something is holding you back and you may need to see a psychologist about it. Until you are able to be that firm and have no feelings of worry, regret or inadaquacy about yourself over it, you are going to find yourself in relationship situations that are just less than the best and you deserve the best for you just as I deserved the best and I got it in my second husband, after responding in email to, chatting online, phone calls and then those I actually met in person which ranged from many hundreds who wrote me over 2 years time down to a few dozen I screened down to meet in person. If the perfect guy for you were easy to find, then you could meet him anywhere in public tomorrow by just bumping into him. It is actually hard work to find Mr. Right but so worth it in the end. I hope this helps a bit more dear. I wish my daughters your age range asked me for advice more but too embarrassed I guess so I dont interfere unless asked.
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