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Thankyou so much
Thankyou so much for replying to my question, you made me look at my situation in a different light i feel like ive focused to much on this new crush that im having instead of really fixing the problem that caused to look for what im missing in soneone else. I know that that if everything was okay at home never in a million years would i gave paid mind to anyone else. My boyfriend and i have a completely straight monogamous relationship so this girl is really out of my comfort zone, but she has many qualities/goals that i dont see with my boyfriend, ive been with him for 5 years and we are economically the same as when we started if there has been any minimal progress i can thank my mom for being soo supportive. But honestly i dont feel like i can just guve up on him i wish wecould make things work i just dont wanna that im holding myself back and changing into a person to who i am really ive never been so passive and sooo conformed in my life. I really appreciate that you shared your personal story with me it made me think alot more about my future and where i really want to be, because we are actually supposed to get married next march but i dont think i can take the next step if i cant even resolve our relationship issues without getting into a fight, and when it comes to our sex life we are not on the same page at all i even lost my want to engage with him like how coukd after a long day of bickering. I know he has noticed that im not how i used to be with him, he's even told me that he thinks there's someone else but hes always thought that even when everything was all about him. I know this isnt much of a question i just need to vent.
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Thank-you for sharing dear. None of us have any experience when we are young and getting married. And in most situations, we don't stop to think to ask others for their opinions or advice. I didn't. Wish I had but I truly didn't know there was a problem. I would have if I had lived with him first which was unlikely for two people from strict christian churches.
I know you aren't asking a particular question but feel that you may need to hear a bit more from me to know that what you are feeling is valid.
You do say 'i dont feel like I can just give up on him.' I am like that too, its part of who I am, very loyal and I don't give up on people easily. Loyal to a fault actually, which meant I really was unable to determine when to give up and throw in the towel. So I can understand your feelings of how you would be less of a good person by taking an action that goes against your very nature. I am also a person who is very nurturing, be it in the garden or with people and I guess I sensed he needed something. What I failed for so many years to realize is that most of what he needed was beyond my scope of experience to help him with, being that I am not a counselor with a degree or a mental health professional. I may have been able to have some positive influence in his life IF he was willing to admit that he just might have some things he could learn to do better, than he may be contributing to issues. If you are willing to accept that there may be something, even something small you may not be doing the best job of, and be a person willing to listen to correction instead of defend yourself but have a willingness to always be a better person the following day, then you are a person who is flexible and can be worked with, wouldn't you agree. This is how I live my life and it serves well in many different areas, not just relationships. My guess is he doesn't see that he might be part of or all of the problem. Especially since you mention you already fight about your issues and yet instead of first thought being that you act different and view him differently because of him, he thinks you've found another guy. So my guess is he isn't ready to willingly go or if he goes, willingly work on the things a couples counselor tells him. If you want to not give up on the relationship just yet, that would be your best bet. I would certainly not plan to marry and I would have a talk with him right now on that subject. If there is truly a great deep love for you, he would feel terrible to think that he was doing anything that was unknown to him making you unhappy and be willing to do anything to change that if it was a chosen behavior and not part of who he is personality wise. My 2nd husband is like that. There are very few times that he has said or done anything that brought me to tears but when I explain what it is he did that bothered me so much, he changes immedicately and Never repeats what he did to hurt me in the first place. Of course we are older adults and perhaps that plays into our realizing live is too short, so we really need to make the best of it especially when its in our power to make things better, compromise, and especially if we have found the love of our life, our soul mate. You can risk losing such a person, with or without having a marriage license. Its just more hassle and expensive to do a divorce but people do all the time. Mainly, there are so many divorces, even friendly ones because the people mature and grow and learn that they both are not perfect for each other in too many ways and so they part and re-marry someone much better for them, unless one or both didn't learn to work on what was wrong with them if anything was actually wrong.
Regarding sex, I completely understand not wanting to engage in it with him. I am a healthy female and had the same needs. We didnt have chemistry together. He never had looked at me with desire. We only used each other to release sexual needs and even then, he got his met, but wouldn't take the time with me. I never had orgasms by him...only other men after I left him. I could still kick myself for staying as long as I did, but I wasn't yet strong enough and didn't see the whole situation in the right light. I chose to believe as the church taught, to allow God to heal my marriage. The thing about that is, its faulty thinking and God finally got thru to me to explain why He didn't heal marriages or anything else wrong in the world...because he gave each of us a free will. A will to make good and bad choices with. Some of the bad is mistakes and learning processes and just naivety that He doesnt hold against us, as long as we finally learn from it, all is good. Sometimes two ill fitted people end up together I was told, because one or both have something to learn personally from being in such a situation, once that thing is learned, one or both no longer need each other. You know that saying thats passed around facebook, "People come into your life either for a reason, a season or a lifetime" and that is SO true. My ex was meant for a season, which was long because I was choosing not to think this all through, if I had, I'd have realized sooner that I had to learn to put my own best first, loving myself enough to not choose to stay in a situation that was bad for me. It took a good chunk of my life to get there, a place where this decision took a greater importance over my personal character traits of being loyal, not giving up and being nurturing to all others, just not myself. Once I made that decision I had learned what I needed and God told me it was time to leave the marriage as I had learned what I needed to from it. He also said if I decided to force the situation and stay, it would not help my ex do any personal growth of which he hadn't yet. My staying, would not help him grow, only hinder it and so if I chose to stay, either I would die of cancer or heart attack in 4 yrs time.
I can't say what God had in store for you to learn or personally grow from, and that being with this man will last for you as long as it needed to until one or the other of you learn what you need to learn.
You are getting plenty of the fight and strife without being married to him so I see no need to go the step that ties you to him legally and financially. It is best that you not have any kids with him cus its a great disservice to kids to grow up seeing parents who dont get along, bicker, fight, or one abuses the other, or there is no tender love between them. I had 3 daughters. Not a single one has been able to find a good man to settle down with. One is fearful of losing control and controls the boyfriends, one found a mental nutcase not on meds, and the other, a guy whom she supports cus he says he claims to be too damaged from previous experiences in life. All not ideal. They have no idea what is a healthy normal relationship because of what they had for a father. I am not upset I had my kids, I love them but they are messed up by their childhood. Now I know better and am trying to make up for it and have to live with watching all 3 end up in not so good situations or make really bad ones. So don't have any kids until you know things can work out.
I would suggest trying to have a talk with him and ask him to hear you out before responding and that you will give him a chance to respond. If he can't and interrupts, you let him know that you are not giving up on him yet. But until he is willing to go see a couples counselor with you, that your relationship and the marriage is on hold. If the two of you can not improve things between you, then the relationship and marriage is off for good.
A relationship is built on two things that make up a solid foundation for it. We all still have minor upsets but it all comes back into balance if the couple has this foundation of 1.being each others best friend. 2. being the best sexual match for each other.
With one or the other, it will always be a rocky relationship and could end some time in the future. With neither, the relationship has no chance of getting off the ground. Whether you stay with him now or leave, either way could be good for you. One is good right now. the choice of staying with him might be good later as you learn what you need to learn just from being with him. But I guarantee with the troubles you're having now that he is not meant to be the guy you stay with til the day you die unless you decide to never learn and grow from the relationship and move on eventually. You will need time to think about it all. At least let him know the marriage will be called off for now and remain on hold until you both can work out your differences or whether you can work them out...and just go from there. But he needs to know that now. Perhaps if he hears that you are willing to walk away from him and marriage forever if things don't improve, he may get serious if he really loves you. Or you may find out as I did in the end in counseling, that he may think he loves you, but my ex said he loved my for being the mother of his kids but when it came to ever having 'been in love' with me, he finally admitted to the counselor after many attempts to steer conversation another way, that he had never ever been in love with me. Shocking right? Yep... lets hope thats not the case for you. But if it is, best for you to find out now rather than after 3o yrs and kids together. Write me again if you come up with any other particular situations/questions you want to run by me. good luck dear!
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