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Reconnecting with a lost date
Let me preface by saying that I am 22 year old woman who, prior to online dating, had never been in a relationship or had any kind of sexual contact whatsoever.
Quite some time ago, I started up a profile on OkCupid and got messaged mostly by a load of duds. Eventually I hit it off with a 36-year-old psychology professor. He was a fascinating, unconventional man whose conversations really intrigued me. We went on a coffee date and fooled around in his car afterwards, but we didn't end up having sex. Though he wasn't interested in a longterm dynamic with me (he was in a nonmonogamous relationship with someone else), I found him to be respectful and caring...... he showed genuine interest in me as a person. When I told him that I was a virgin, he was very concerned with respecting my personal boundaries and making me feel safe. It was a very enjoyable evening.
But then after that first date, something terrible happened. I began struggling with severe panic attacks and couldn't leave the house without collapsing. Over the next couple months, we had a couple rounds of phone sex and continued texting (and sexting) on a weekly basis.
I kept telling him that I was on the brink of recovery, but ultimately I came to find that my healing was going to take a lot longer than I hoped. I explained to him that I just didn't think it was a good idea for us to have sex while I was in this condition, and we left it at that.
That conversation happened over 6 months ago. Since then, I've moved to NYC and enrolled in school. I finally pulled myself together and am ready to get back into dating world again. I feel disappointed that our interaction was never consummated..... I'm back home on vacation for another 3-4 months and, now that I'm in a better place, would love to pick up where we left off. What would be the best way to go about reconnecting?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
If you are truly at peace with the limits of what he was offering (in light of his non-monogamous, primary relationship), then you should certainly call him up and ask to reconnect.
I'm afraid there is no real script I can offer you. My best advice is to remember that he is a complete human being as well, and as six months has changed a lot in your world, it may have also changed a lot in his. If you reach out in hopes of 'picking up where you left off' you set yourself up for disappointment. Instead, reach out in genuine friendship to find out where his life is and share where yours is at. If both of you are in a place where you can entertain a sexual relationship - great! - but be prepared for the fact that might not be the case.
It may not seem as exciting as you'd like, but the truth is you DID have a hell of an adventure. An adventure of self-discovery may not seem as cool as a adventure of sexy-times with an older man, but you got the adventure you needed. Be proud and grateful for what you did, and have.
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