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I'm still hurting inside,what do I do?
I am 20 and my boyfriend of 5 years is 23..Two years ago,he dumped me because he said we fight so much.We fought much because of lack of time together.To make long story short,we got back together but the thing is I still couldn't forget how much he hurt me.Deep inside,it still hurts and I'm so insecure I feel like anytime he could dump me again.I truly love him..I don't know what to do.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Trust once broken takes way longer to rebuild than it did the first time. Both of you are 25 or under, a time when our brain is still working on finishing growing, the prefrontal cortex,which is a section of the brain that weighs outcomes, forms judgments and controls impulses and emotions. This section of the brain also helps people understand one another. The prefrontal cortex section of the brain in teens is still a little immature as compared to adults; and it doesn't fully develop until your mid-20s. However I have seen it take until late twenties in others. I feel this significantly affects young relationships because if in our immaturity we are judging each other, and saying or doing things to each other on impulse or unable to control our emotions and fighting lots, having trouble understanding each other, it will affect the relationship. So basically, it will take more effort on both your parts to make this relationship a lot more healthy and thereby regain trust in him and for him as well with you. I don't understand having a lack of time together as causing fights. Usually, lack of time together simply means the relationship doesn't bond well and slowly drifts apart. The only thing I can guess at is this might be an LDR, in which case, hon, that explains the problem. Until a couple are able to have an in person relationship, you don't even have a fighting chance for it to last and grow IF the two of you are not compatible to begin with.
And that brings me to the issue of compatibility and whether there's any chemistry. A relationship need a strong foundation of two things, one being the two are each others best friends and the other the pheremones being alike, meaning you have chemistry together , same kind of libido's and likes and wants sexually. Without having the same chemistry, two people can be doing all the things right and the relationship still doesn't work because having different chemistry is like trying to get opposite ends of magnets to meet. They will resist, and its naturally impossible. I feel its the same in relationships. Things that would not irritate you with other people, like maybe your girlfriends, you will find yourself irritated over in him if you don't have chemistry, plus there isn't the depth and strength to the love in both of you. I know you feel it but what does he feel? Saying the words I love you doesnt prove anything. Lets say, I love Italian food. How do I prove that? Most likely by prefering to go out to Italian restaurants and cooking Italian at home more often than other meals. But you most likely are thinking, that doesnt prove anything, loving a thing and loving a person are not the same thing.
And guess what, you're right.
When we love another person, too often, we apply the same type of love as we would to a preference in food, clothes, music, etc... And thats fine to start out with but as a couple spends more time together, it should transition from the mainly "attraction" level love into 'being in-love'. There is a vast difference in how we treat each other when we can truly say and know we are inlove. My ex at the end of 30 yrs of bad marriage answered he had never been in love with me, to a friend who asked if he was in love with me. Why would he want to remain in marriage with me if he was not in love, because he thought the kind of love he had was enough. It was the type of love we have for a preference in things which isn't deep enough to make an impact in how we treat the person.
If your favorite ice cream was chocolate and I could find a way to ensure you never had chocolate icecream ever again for the rest of your life, you'd miss it at times but it wouldn't feel as if a part of you was missing, like an arm or leg. When in love, its different. The other person is so deeply a part of you, you can't stand to be apart for long, you don't want to hurt each other by misunderstandings or fighting so you practice good communication, and rewording yourself, asking questions rather than reacting, being patient and explaining and also setting ground rules and making compromises. There is no class taught in a school form how to handle a relationship successfully, all the do's and don'ts but there are seminars to attend, books to read and you tube video's by relationship experts to self teach the how to of relationships. These helpful hints can significantly help your relationship. Since I do not know what each of you may not be doing, or should be doing, or what things you may have been doing wrong, I cant begin to pass on helpful advice. The best I can tell you is to start researching on your own. Find a book on how to improve relationships and read it to each other, watch the same you tube video's on relationships. This should give you something to think about and help guide you to do some self discovery on how to improve what you both have. But it takes both putting forth effort. If you are studying healthy relationships and he is not, there's already a problem. You need to be as important to him as he is to you to work together on it. It is never all just one person's fault, immaturity or lack of education on relationships. Good luck dear
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