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Just Need Someone to Talk to
Female/27
I just found out some terrible news. My sister just had a miscarriage. This sucks! There aren't words bad enough to express how much this sucks! I didn't even know she was pregnant and apparently she and her husband were planning on telling everyone Thanksgiving.
I feel sooooooo bad. Since my sister's the first born, I feel like she's always been the golden child while I'm the family f<€# up. My mom's always been closer to me and my maternal grandparents were too, but everyone else (my dad included) just obsesses over my sister and ignores me.
I thought the only way my dad would care as much about my kids as he did about my sister's was if I gave him his first grandchild(ren). My sister's kids would have points already just for being HER kids. I actually HOPED that I would have children before she did. Then I realized how stupid that was, that I shouldn't turn it into a race, and that I should be happy for her if she got pregnant. Believe me, I know how stupid and petty I was being now, but I feel bad for having EVER felt that way.
I realized that her getting pregnant would be an amazing thing. She'd be a great mom, I'd LOVE being an aunt, and I've recently grown to appreciate babies a lot more than I used to. My cousins each have babies (a ten month old and a one month old) and they're adorable.
I don't even know what to say right now. My paternal grandmother's going to be at thanksgiving and she's a horrible, horrible grandmother and kind of a cold hearted person. She's got her grandkids listed from favorite to least favorite and my sister and I are at the bottom of the list. Every time she gets a new great grandchild, we move down one space. She's always peeing all over everything we do, rubbing it in our face when something bad happens to us, and comparing us to our cousins. She's mean enough to say something very cruel about the miscarriage. She'll bring it up during dinner, blame it on my sister somehow, or talk about how my cousins managed to have the families they wanted without having a miscarriage.
My maternal granddad has no idea. We haven't told him because we haven't had a chance, but we might never tell him because he's old, in bad health, and might not be able to handle it. My aunt and uncle had a miscarriage when he was a lot younger and healthier and my mom says that it was the only time she ever saw him cry.
My dad's gonna be crazy upset. He doesn't know yet and my sister doesn't know that I know. She told my mom and my mom told me. I was in the room when my mom got the call and I could tell what happened from what was being said. She told me to act surprised when my sister told me and I don't know if I can do that. What I'm I gonna say? We're a Christian family and some people find it comforting to hear that their loved ones are in a better place, while others find it to be a slap in that face. I understand either way. When my maternal grandmother died, it helped to hear that she was in Heaven, but she was old, had a good life, and had been sick for quite a while. When it's a child, I understand people not liking hearing that their child's in Heaven because they'd rather have them here.
Now I'm afraid to have kids before she does. I was thinking about starting a family very, very soon. I'm a little older than some are when they have their first child and there are reasons I may not want to be pregnant many times, but yet I want a big family. Because of that, I was considering using fertility drugs and trying for twins. I would protect my children with my life, but I'd feel REALLY sorry for my sister if I ended up with two healthy kids before she had one. Especially if this happened to her again. I was starting to pick out names, thinking about everything they'd need, wondering if it'd be a good idea to hire a nanny, and now this.
This makes me realize how lucky some people are. My parents had two healthy kids, my grandparents had three healthy kids, my cousin just had a second child, no one in my family other than my sister and aunt has had a miscarriage that I know of. Some people are a LOT luckier than they know. I've heard of people who WANTED children and who KNEW what they were getting themselves into whining about their baby after it was born. They all like, "I love my baby, but I resent him for ruining my social life." Or "I love my baby, but I resent him for intruding on my time with his older sister." I actually hear that one a lot and as a second born, it deeply offends me. People call their second born child as an intruder in the family and one man contemplated leaving his family out of resentment towards his baby. Now it offends me for an entirely different reason. Those people have NO, absolutely NOT ONE SHRED OF AN IDEA of how lucky they are.
Any advice on how to deal with my first niece or nephew being miscarried or, most importantly, how to help my sister through this? I need to help my parents through it as well. My mom's very upset and my dad will be when he finds out (he hasn't been home since we got the news).
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I should probably add that my sister tried to call me first, but I felt like s#!± this afternoon and put my phone on silent so I could rest. How do I apologize for this? Also, I'm sorry about the length of this question. I didn't realize how much I needed to vent.
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