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My boyfriend's best female friend is his ex...
Hello everyone,
I don't know if I there is actually an issue in my relationship or if I'm creating trouble so I'd rather ask for advice before taking a decision. (btw english is not my mothertongue, please forgive my grammar mistakes...)
I have been with my current boyfriend for 4 months now. We are both 20.
A month ago, he confessed to me that he broke up with his ex girlfriend not 3 months before we got together (as he had told me) but... 2 weeks after ! (She lives in another town, where he used to live before he moved to our current town ; he said he wanted to break up face to face so he waited for the holidays and went back there to tell her, he says that in his mind, their relationship was over a long time before that...)
Of course, I was really upset, I wanted to break up with him, it was really terrible. I spare you the details, the drama, etc. Anyway, we are still together but his ex girlfriend happens to be his best female friend...
He never talks about her, it is as if she doesn't exist but the other day, he called me on the phone and talked about his 4 days of camping vacation with his friends from high school and I realized that among the group of 5, she was there... I was upset he didn't tell me she was going to be there... I haven't met any of his friends since they all live in this town far from where we are now.
I talked to him about the fact that I was ill at ease with this situation, he told me there's nothing between him and her anymore, that she is also in a relationship now and that she is happy, etc. He tells me he loves me and he even asked : "do you prefer if I stop seeing her ?". Well, obviously I said no because she is his best friend and I don't feel it would be legitimate for me to ask this but I'm really unpleased with the situation. They had been together for 5 months and they had sex (his first experience was with her). I'm saying this because I'm still a virgin... Except about this secret around his ex not being his ex the first two weeks of our relationship, I have nothing to reproach to him : he's very gentle, kind, he always want to please me and we even spent a week only the two of us in another country this summer.
> What is your opinion on this ?
> Should I ask more questions about his ex ? (I'm afraid to look paranoid but I really feel there is a trust issue since he had lied to me about her until a month ago...). I don't even know how she looks like, if they text each other, etc.
> Do you think they can still be genuine "best friends" ? Personally, I always feel uncomfortable when I'm near my ex, or even a guy who had confessed feelings for me, so I can't imagine how they are able to camp, talk and laugh together as if nothing had happened !! Especially since she was his "first", and since they were still together 4 months ago...
Thank you for your advice !
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There are two things important as a base for a relationship, one being best friends and the other having that spark romantically or its also called "having chemistry" here in the U.S.
Many who are best friends will never try to see if there may be that romantic spark. But those who do try, if its not there, acknowledge that fact and go back to being just best friends. I know its possible to have been sexual with someone even and then go from the relationship ending and being with another and not feeling awkward around the ex. Its a bit different if a girl or boy dumped the ex when the ex still had feelings for them.
You know this isn't the case. He said she is happy with a new boyfriend and he has declared that he loves you. He has demonstrated this by offering and being willing to not see her anymore, as much as it might hurt not to keep contact with a good friend. One doesnt make such an offer lightly, but only when they really care about your feelings.
What you feel like around your ex is not going to be the same as other people will process it. We are all unique and will feel differently.
I feel that women can be very territorial when it comes towards other women and their boyfriend/husband. They can feel threatened and jealous because their mind is imagining more than there really is to any situation. Basically a lot of assumptions from 'theater of the mind'.
Jealousy is nothing more than a fear of loss or doing comparisons in your mind and believing you don't match up or hold a candle to her. You mentioned something a couple times and I believe (tho I may be wrong) that this little fact is what irritates you. You said: "his first experience was with her). I'm saying this because I'm still a virgin..." Down at core, you are worried about him making comparisons between you and her in all areas of the relationship, especially sex, and afraid he will find you lacking. I have never known any sex partner of mine to have been exactly the same as the other. All have been uniquely different, so tho the basic actions of sex are the same it can feel different. Different isn't bad. It wont be that one is better than another, just different.
( think of ice cream flavors. There isn't one BEST flavor of ice cream, they all have their own unique differences that make them great. The mint and choc. flakes in Chocolate chip mint isn't any better than the marshmallow and nuts in Rocky Road, and so on. )
Your concern is that you were not his first, because if you had been his first sexual experience, your mind could say, now he can't compare me to any other.
The best way to erase any fear is to face it. So ask him questions about her. I know all about my 2nd husbands ex's. Have several of them as facebook as friends for friendship...not to check up on them. He and I know each others ex's pretty well. The one child between them wanted to go with dad when they split. So she had come several times to visit and stay with us to see her daughter. He cares about her as a human but theres no desires any longer for her sexually. She has none for him and has made that clear. And has used the words "your husband' to me when refering to him. The object of dating is when moving on to the next person is to always improve in the relationship. Someone who listens better, has more in common with you, doesn't treat you badly, have same tastes and libido in sex. Its not a match if the girl wants sex often and he due to a lower libido is happy with twice a month. It doesnt mean there is something wrong with a person b eing different like that, just that they weren't right for whom they were with, or not right enough. If there are things that make you a better match for him, then obviously no other woman, even her, will have any effect on him. In my case, he cares and loves the ex more like family, like a sister and will call her hon on the phone and be there as moral or emotional support, but once off the phone he'll turn to me and say, "God am I glad I am not married to her anymore. I was willing to put up with lots of things in her that weren't the best match for me and didn't actually think there could be anything better until I met you. But with you, life is so easy, it's a joy, you're what I've always dreamed of and I love you." When one hears that kind of thing, you know your man has no eyes for or desire for another.
If you need a little more reassurance for now early in your relationship, ask him for it, and ask what things about you is it that he loves.
Guys can be weird about fearing a girl becoming jealous, suspicious or any other kind of emotional outburst, crying too. So they try to not offer any info that might cause an issue. So either he doesnt know you well enough to know it wouldn't have bothered you to tell you he just broke up a couple days ago or two weeks ago, or he feared you would think he was just going for you on the re-bound, someone to take his mind off her. Lots of girls would assume the latter and that is why lots of guys are not forthcoming with the truth at first and only share it later.
Because of how I am picking up that you are feeling, a bit insecure, its no wonder he didn't feel comfortable sharing that up front and if he had, it wouldnt have gone well with you. You may have rejected him on the spot? Well, only you would know what you would have really done.
If in getting to know him, he really is the kind of guy you are looking for and can imagine being in long term, life long relationship with possibly, then enjoy the relationship and forgive his not sharing the details up front. If however a lying pattern begins to reveal itself as time goes on, you'll have to decide whether you will settle for less or move on to find someone a better match for you.
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