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A boyfriend problem...
I'm going to start by saying that I got mixed emotions with my relationship. I'm am 18f and my boyfriend is 20m, we've been together for almost two years. We ended up being in a class together in high school, he was the best looking guy I've always wanted to date. I would always want to talk to him at least as friends but it was always hard because he was the super shy type and so was i in the beginning but as we talked more after he ended up exchanging numbers with one of my guy friends and me to make plans to hang over the summer because he was graduating high school before. We did end up making plans but I always had to leave early or had a lot going on at home but he never minded my at home issues. The thing is now we dated for a while now we both changed a lot ,we've moved on the high love stage and it's been hard and I still stayed with him even though his bad habits annoyed me so much. Later on I had bad family issues going on as then I had depression or felt so sad he insisted me to go see help but I got annoyed and broke up but ended up going back with him cause his mother had called me to say he wasn't ok. Our second brake up that I did was when I had a lot of stress going on and on top of that I didn't want to let him in at all.the third brake up is currently I didn't exactly leave him we both are going to stay friends for 2 weeks because we worry, we get depressed together and see how that works even tho that was what got us to be together all this time. We seem perfect but I never feel completely happy because I can't handle his flaws or happy comes and goes.
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You told your story but you didn't exactly ask a question dear. Did you just want me to agree that you have a problem? Well, yes I agree you have a problem there. Is it a boyfriend problem as your title suggests. I highly doubt so. The problems you are having with the boyfriend are secondary, a result of an initial problem.
Honey, in todays world, stress is inevitable. We all are beseiged by stress to some level or another so it would be ideal if we all knew how to deal with it, how to 'de-stress' before the stress builds to the depression stage. I will attempt to educate you a bit about that here.
First tho, before I forget, the problems you have in your relationship are mainly because both individuals are not two completely whole healthy people. Sorry if that hurts to hear it. I can say it cus I was once in a marriage where both of us were unhealthy. I know that in math, two halves make a whole. However from experience, I know two individuals who are less than whole emotionally are a recipe for disaster. The way this works is that if one person is strong and the other weak, the weak one will begin to use the stronger one as their crutch. Sometimes a strong person will seek out a weak, depressed, emotionally damaged person to be in a relationship with because they like feeling needed and being their strength. In this case, they enable the weaker partner to remain stuck. If two people with emotional issues that affect their lives are drawn together, neither one is stronger because each is battling their own emotional giants. Therefore since neither is emotionally whole, both are unable to give maximum energy into the relationship. Here I share a quote that sums it up: "Happily ever after doesnt happen just because we wish it so. It only happens when both parties put in maximum effort to make it so." In your and his case, I am guessing that both of you are unable to do that. ..not because you don't want to, but because you're currently unable to.
Sorry this is kinda long but to really help you, a few sentences are not going to cut it. So now on to the depression part and whats going on for you. You mentioned lots of bad issues at home. I dont know exactly what they are but when a person is bombarded daily with very negative things they can't escape from, it will drag you down. No one feels good when in such a situation. But I would like to teach you about what happens inside you when you face situations in your life that drag you down...what is dragged down is actually the amount of "feel good hormones" that your body is supposed to naturally produce. There's also something called neuro-transmitters in your brain that work together with hormones and if the levels are low, there are several reasons that can contribute to it. I will list a link to an article about it that I hope you read. It is very informative and explains all that I want to tell you without having to actually type it myself. I will say that although they list many things that can cause low levels of these much needed ingrediants in the brain, that more often than not, the main contributer to the problem of low/depressed levels of these hormones and NTs neurotransmitters) are due to the amount of stress an individual faces in todays world. Therre are people with medical issues that cause them to be "clinically depressed" where nothing but depression meds will help. However, I have found in life, many who were depressed not by internal occuring problems initiating this issue but outside events, the situations you experience in life that wear you down. I am no professional but you mentioned bad family issues so I am willing to bet that theres a greater chance your issues are caused by external influence and in this case are treatable by you. First here's the article:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Yes, there is something you can do that will instantly jump start your body into creating more NT's and feel good hormones. I came across a article in a blog once on the internet that explains it well. When one daughter got depressed after a 2nd boyfriend broke up with her, it was real bad this time and she was unable to bounce back. I told her what to do but hey, it's just mom, what does she know, right? So through her job, she went for her one free visit to a psychologist who told her everything she could do herself since she would be unable to come in for sessions, and the list he gave her is exactly what I came across.
It's going to sound crazy, really stupid, not believable but hon, you're not going to get results if you don't trust me enough to give it a try, cus what have you got to lose, as silly as it makes you feel.
1. Find reasons to laugh. Laughter is good medicine for a reason. It helps raise these low levels. So watch your favorite comedies, get on the net and find comedy acts to watch. Talking about the hard belly ache laughter here.
2. Listen to uplifting music. I can't say what is uplifting to you but it's going to be something you've always felt when hearing a certain melody, its not the lyrics that count, its the sound. What you're looking for is listening to the songs that make your heart feel light as a balloon as if it were about to float out of your chest. A melody that does it for me is "Clocks" by Coldplay. I have a small collection of songs I play and sing along to whenever I begin to feel a stressed feeling coming on, which warns me my levels are too low.
3. This brings me to the next point--singing. Singing helps to raise those NTs and hormones. So don't just listen to music, sing along.
4. Movement...action is important. Think of how many people you've heard of who lack energy, want to stay in bed all day and do nothing when severely depressed. Doing nothing will only keep a person stuck so doing the opposite, movement will help. It is suggested that a person walk, jog, do exercise or a more fun version of movement, dancing. So just move to the music. There's that music again. Its all tied together as you can see. I have tried skipping, like a little kid would do. Hadn't done it since I was a kid. Imagine a woman in her 50's skipping down the street. I felt silly but as I continued, I began to laugh hilariously at myself and I feel the stress just melt off instantly.
5. Give hugs and get hugs. Have you heard of hugging therapy? Bet you haven't. But in recent years it is becoming more popular. A true prolonged bear hug with another person is much needed to help keep the levels up. One hug per day won't do. It is suggested that around 8 per day will help. So...give a hug and you automatically recieve one. Can't think of anyone you like enough to give a hug to? Hug a stranger.
* The first five are things that will have the quickest effects. Here are more
6. Meditate. This means you're taking time to let your mind relax, not focus on your problems or tasks to be done. This takes some practice to do well and learn how to stop your subconscious mind from just constantly wandering off to dwell on things that rob you of your peace.
7. Learn to forgive. Did you know that when you hold a grudge or hold on to your anger, you are
putting a huge energetic tax on your system? Think of it like picking up a heavy weight and having to carry it around with you all the time. As long as we focus on what was done to us from a negative viewpoint instead of finding the ability to forgive, we keep reliving the experiences as a victim rather than remembering them as an overcomer.
8. Grateful/Thankful Gratitude is one of the highest states you can achieve. No matter what’s going on in your life, you can find something for which to be grateful. Even when something terrible has happened to you, chose to find the blessing or positive point in the situation. Such as: "I am grateful to the people who were challenging to me today because it gave me the
opportunity to grow." And it could be something simple as "I am grateful to have the warmest, coziest bathrobe in the world."
The last three tend to have something to do with our thoughts and our brain. If these 3 are not addressed in your life, then all the relief you find with the first 5 steps will be dropped down to lower levels again. So learning to work on the last three as becoming a part of who you are will help greatly.
I hope you find this helpful dear. If your depression isn't reversed by following these steps, then there may be some of the other factors such as medical issues like thyroid or other things listed in the link I gave you. In this case, it would be a good thing to go see your Dr. Don't think of the word "Depression" as a negative label or condition for a person. I feel you may believe this way due to your initial reaction when your friend suggested you go get help. You now know it means that the NTs and hormones are at critically low levels for you to be able to function normally...think of it like a car low on oil to lubricate the parts. You can make the engine freeze up and ruin it. The low levels in a cars oil could be due to an oil leak and a check up for the car would reveal that.
Its just the same for a human. Just as a cars oil will get used up in the daily functioning on the road, and need to be replaced regularly, so it is with us, we actually need daily if not every other day techniques used to raise our levels again. Depression is just the humans 'indicator light' saying that 'their oil' is low.
Good luck dear.
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